Page 323 of Shadowman
Sure, he could be asking both of us, but where the boys are concerned, it still feels like they’re Byron’s family more than mine. Frankly, Idofeel sort of like a brother-in-law to them.
You can get close, spend time together, laughing and enjoying one another’s company. You can love, respect, and trust one another, but you’ll never have as close a bond as they do. Because they’re blood.
I don’t mind it, though. I’m happy to have them in my life, but more than anything, I’m happy that Byron has them in his. That’s what matters most.
“He cut off contact,” Byron answers. “For obvious reasons…”
Felix and Lem both nod in understanding. We all do. The events that led to where we are now were anything but simple. Still, I’d say it worked out for the best.I hope the others feel that way too…
“So… What’s the plan for tomorrow?” I ask, because there’s somethingelseon my mind. My eyes connect with Felix’s while I sip my tea.
“Oh, I’m ready.” He grins, a sly little thing. “You give me the okay and I’m there.”
I nod, dumping more oolong onto the butterflies multiplying in my stomach. Byron notices my sudden nervous zeal and grazes his fingers along the base of my skull, playing with my hair.
“Will you be… tagging along?” Lem asks, waving off the fortune cookie Felix is trying to shove at him before eventually conceding and taking it.
“I’ve gone back and forth,” I mumble, clearly still apprehensive. “But ultimately, I think I need to be there. I think I’d regret it if I weren’t.”
He nods, not necessarily agreeing with my decision, simply accepting that it ismydecision.How very doctorly of him.“If you’re worried it will… wet your whistle, so to speak, you know what I’m going to say…” His lips twist.
I grin, slouching back in my seat. “Yes, I do. And if nothing matters, then why not make it count? Being here, this opportunity…Life.”
“I never said nothing matters.” He gives me a pointed look.
“You didn’t have to.” I chuckle.
“So, it’s settled!” Felix beams. “Tomorrow night… we ride!”
Byron and I laugh out loud, while Lemuel shakes his head.
“Could you possibly be more excited?” Byron snorts.
Felix’s head lolls. “God, I’m telling you… I need this. It’s beenwaytoo long.”
“In that case, I propose a toast.” I lift my glass, signaling for them to do the same. “To like-minded individuals. And to notneedingrevenge… but getting it anyway.”
Byron is humming in amusement as he leans into my side.
“And to a much-needed vacation!” Felix adds, illuminated. And we clink. “What does yours say, baby?” he asks Lem after his sip.
Lemuel removes the small piece of paper from within the cookie. His face is the picture of a scientist who could notpossiblyfind it more frivolous to partake in such things. He reads it, then frowns. “You’re a perfectionist. Don’t spoil it.”
Felix doubles over.
“Hilarious,” he growls, throwing the crumpled fortune at Felix. “And what doesyourssay, husband?”
Felix purses his lips to dampen the grin as he reads his aloud. “Make time for hobbies. The value ofyou-timeis priceless.”
It’s not the same place I grew up in.
Unsurprisingly, my parents moved around a lot. Dad did some time in prison for minor drug infractions, and Mom did a few stints in rehab. Obviously, I don’t know whether it stuck or not, but judging by where they live now and the state of their rental, I would wager a resounding no.
Outside of that, I know nothing about them, because I chose not to keep tabs—I only found these things out when we started planning this trip. On some level, I think I’ve always been afraid that knowing more about their lives would drive my ever-present need for revenge.
My biggest fear was that killing my parents wouldn’t fix me… That they’d be dead, and I’d still be fucked up. And I’d be stuck dealing with what that meant.
The revenge was always a crutch. If I focused all my energy on anger, I didn’t need to deal with the truth of how deeply and severely my childhood traumatized me. From the abuse, to the streets, to addiction and the assault, I was never able to justexistwithout pain. Which is why when I finally got the chance, withAlice, I didn’t know what to do with myself. Naturally, I had to sabotage it. Because life without pain didn’t make sense to me.
