Page 324 of Shadowman
It truly is a testament to Dr. Love’s abilities that I’m even able to walk around in society, let alone love and be loved.
I swear, the bloke deserves a Nobel Prize, or at least a trophy of some kind.
I was in immense pain after Alice died, struggling with my addictions, my past trauma, and the sudden loss of Dr. Love as what I’d thought was the only thing keeping my demons at bay for years. And instead of dealing with it, I dove headfirst into revenge, because it was what I knew. After all, itwashow I’d coped with my assault. And it had been so satisfying, brutally slaying those rapist cunts. It was the only time I’d ever felt likeLeomyself.
But it didn’t undo the damage they’d inflicted on my life. Because, as we now know, revenge doesn’t solve anything. And in never letting myself grieve, the pain became like an infection left untreated. It just kept growing and spreading until, before I knew it, I was shutting down.
That’s the best thing about finally seeking out closure and healing now, as opposed to getting high and blowing up everything around me like a grenade of human suffering like I used to. Becausenow, I have him.
I don’t need to rely on revenge anymore. I can focus on Byron, like I should’ve done with Alice. He’s helped me move out of the shadows and into the light, in ways I couldn’t back then. I wasn’t ready, and I only wish Alice hadn’t needed to die for me to realize these things…
But I will never forget her.
“I’m trying to forgive myself for what I did to you…”I told her through tears and sniffles while I knelt in the dirt next to her headstone and the pink dahlias I left for her.“I’m trying hard, angel. And I don’t know what happens, or where you are… ButI can only hope it’s somewhere good. Where you’re happy and safe, and loved, better than I could ever give you.”I sniffled and wiped my eyes, glancing at Byron, hovering a few feet away. I couldn’t help snorting a wet chuckle.“He reminds me of you. Sometimes I feel like the universe gave him to me as a second chance… I almost lost him once, acting like a bloody twit. I won’t make that mistake again. For you, baby, I’ll be as good as I can with him. And I’ll never forget you, Alice Alvarez.”
As painful as it was, I needed to let myself feel it. Let the sorrow settle over me, and just sit with it, because it’s the only way to finally let the wound heal.
That’s precisely what I’m doing now. Although, this excursion is slightly different.
Byron and I took the tube to my parents’ current place of residence. We’re lingering outside, and I’m pacing, trying to remember to breathe and not let the mere fact that they’re currently sharing the same air supply as me send me into a spiraling panic attack.
“You wanna tell me what you’re feeling, violet?” Byron asks. Not smothering or pushy. Just…here. For me.
It’s my favorite thing about Byron Kang. Support comes second nature to him. He’s a real Leonardo in that way.
“Knowing they’re in there is making it… rather difficult not to remember things.” I’m stiff all over, my skin crawling from the memories. “I hate remembering…”
He nods, then holds out his hand. Peeking down at it, I feel calmer already. From simplylookingat his hand—it’s bonkers. But it’s a very nice hand. Masculine and strong, veins on top decorated with his new ink—Leowritten above two swords. His nails painted black and the bracelet I made him out of carnelian and sunstone.
Reaching out, I give him mine. He threads our fingers, whispering, “You fucking amaze me… You know that?”
I blink and sniff.
“How badass you are… You did that all by yourself, baby.You’rethe real warrior.”
“He’s right, you know…”
I hear the voice inside my head—my inner strength and courage.
I don’t see Leo anymore. In fact, I haven’t since around the time Byron and I became official. But he’s still here. He’s always with me, except that now, he’s my voice of reason, like he probablyshould’vebeen from the start.
Leo got me through a lot of dark, lonely times, and for that, I’ll always imagine him as something separate from me. Because I needed a guardian, and Leo was it. But just like me, he was angry, and afraid.
I’m not those things anymore, and I’m not lonely anymore. I have Byron.
He’s my Leo, and I’m his.
In a way, aren’t we all Leo? It sounds culty, but it’s true!
“He got me through it…” I tell Byron, and his head cocks. “Leo. If it weren’t for him, I probably would’ve…” My voice trails, and I gulp. “Who knows.”
“It was all you, Trev.” He brushes my hair back with his free hand. “From darkness to light and everything in between. You survived a life not many people could’ve made it through.”
I chuckle and kiss his wrist. “I love that you’re totally fine dating someone who’s killed eight people.”
His face drops a bit. “Dating?Baby… we’re way past dating. Aren’t we? I mean, I thought we were…”
My stomach is doing somersaults. I’m swooning over how adorable he is when he’s all shy and insecure, while also feeling like kind of a knob for making him think I’m not hopelessly in love and desperate to have his babies.
