Page 60 of Shadowman
Slapping the notebook shut, I take a deep breath, closing my eyes and counting to ten.
Some are obviously worse than others…
Blinking, I look around, reacquainting myself with reality. The good news is that I’m still here, sitting in my cell alone,notin some twisted, drug-induced hallucination. The bad news is that my dick is hard from reading that little passage… Which is always confusing.
Hey, whatever, right? As far as I’m concerned, it’s like getting a boner from reading fiction.
Hot, slutty, gay fiction…
No big deal.
Except that it’snotfiction, no matter how desperately I wanted to believe that one instance in particular was a dream. What happened the night the power went out…
Rubbing my eyes, I curl up in bed and allow myself to sink for a moment.What am I doing, man?? I’m out here acting like a…
Like…
Jesus Christ, I’m acting like Ren.
Glancing up at the mattress above, I cringe, stomach rolling in disgust with myself. I cover my head with my pillow, growling and whining into it.
I’m severely fucked up. That’s the only explanation. And now I’m terrified that my friendships will suffer for this. Denial is all well and good, but it can only work for so long…
Ren’s words from earlier replay in my head.“You’re not a wedge, love… You’ve been keeping us together.”
My heart swells, and Ihatethat it does. I don’t want to rely on being a part ofthemto give me validation. Like my only reason for existence in here is to be the stone they step on to get where they need to go.
But if not that, then…what?
The warrior, the friend, the proxy, the shadowman…
What’s my purpose? Who am I, really??
Regardless, I justcan’tbe the prison slut.We already have one of those.
But my behaviors tell a different story. The one that’s written on those pages.
He ruined me. That’s what it is.
Even if it wasn’t his fault, he fuckingbrokeme, and now I have no idea who I am or what I’m doing.
Emotion builds pressure behind my eyes. At first, I try to fight it. But it’s no use.
It’s alright… I’m alone again.
All… alone.
I can stop fighting, and no one will know. I can break down, if only right now…
Because in the shadows, no one sees me.
Word around the cellblock is that the storms have finally subsided, and it’s actually nice out.
I wouldn’t know. None of us have been outside in years at this point. I don’t even want to know what my vitamin D levels are at… Probably nonexistent.
There’s an abundance of D available in Alabaster Pen… But definitely not the kind you get from sunshine.
Still, I have to give credit where it’s due. The mood around here has improved drastically over the last few weeks. Not that it’s because we’re all sucking each other off all the time, because aside from that one occasion, it hasn’t happened again.Andnot only did things not get weird, but it seems like we’ve found our groove again.
