Page 24 of Tattered
I want to stop her, to pull her back against me and hold her but I don’t.
“What’s that supposed to mean?”
“If it came down to it, choosing between this life and you, I’d choose you. That’s where we’re different. I’ve spent the past four years hoping and waiting for you. I told you I wasn’t going to give up. I thought this was it. I thought you were finally coming back but I was wrong.”
“It was only a matter of time though, right? You left me once, I should’ve known it was bound to happen again. I’m just glad this time I was worth more than waking up to you gone with only a letter left behind. For as long as I’ve known you, you’ve kept yourself locked up and closed off. I didn’t push you. I didn’t want to because I thought if you got to see how much I cared, eventually you would trust me enough to let me in fully but you never gave me a chance. I know what happened with your dad back then had to have been tough, but you didn’t have to give up. You didn’t have to walk away. As much as I want to spend however much time I have left with you, I can’t do this to myself again.”
“Ryan, wait...” I shout as she turns, opens the door and walks out.
“God dammit,” I mumble as I stand up and grab a towel. I quickly dry off, wrapping a towel around my waist, hoping to stop her before she leaves.
“Will you just hang on? Stop and talk to me.” I hold my hand out, wanting to pull her against me. My heart is beating wildly, like a caged animal in my chest.
I watch as she swiftly pulls her jeans up her legs, sliding them beneath the towel that still wraps around her chest. I hate that even now, she’s covering herself up from me. How did things go so terribly wrong in just a matter of a few minutes? I didn’t want it to be like this.
“What more is there left to say?”
“Ryan, I can’t give you what you want. That’s not who I am, as much as I want it to be.”
Ryan scoffs, shaking her head as she picks up her bra and turns away from me to finish dressing.
“Will you just look at me?”
“Maverick, I honestly can’t bear the thought of looking at you right now. I still replay the last night we had together through my head and I don’t want to memorize the look on your face as you tell me goodbye.”
I hate the sound of her voice right now. I sense the wall she had let down around me go up, blocking me out. The worst part is I know there is nothing I can do or say to her right now that’s going to help her feel better.
When she’s finished dressing, I watch her as she walks around the room and grabs the boots she was wearing. Sitting on the edge of the bed, she slides her feet in and zips them up her calves.
“Please just stay,” I mutter. The words sound distorted even to myself.
Glancing up at me, her eyes stare into mine. I know now what she meant when she said she didn’t want to remember the look on my face because seeing the heartbreak behind her eyes tears my heart in two.
“I’m not going to stay to appease your own guilt, Maverick. I know you feel this between us and it’s bullshit that you’re going to take the easy way out and leave. I just want you to remember when you go that it wasn’t me who left. I’m not walking away from you because it’s what I want. I’m walking away because I don’t have a choice. You are not and never will be mine; I realize that now. I hope you take care of yourself.”
Reaching down, she grabs the strap to her purse and slides it over her head. The sound of my phone ringing echoes through the quietness of the room, mixing with the loud beating of my heart drumming in my ears.
Crossing the room, I pick up my phone from where I tossed it on the nightstand and check the caller ID. The number is listed as unknown.
“I’m sorry, I have to take this.”
“Of course,” she says as I hold the phone to my ear and answer.
As soon as the call connects and I hear Sergeant Jackson’s voice filter through the phone, I know whatever it is will change everything. Whatever I thought it was going to be, nothing had prepared me for the news I was about to receive.
My eyes close as the dam breaks, unleashing tears unlike anything I've felt since losing my mom. I'm reminded that nothing in this life is guaranteed and anything can change in a moment’s notice.
His words sound distorted as he relays the details of the mission gone wrong. My heart aches for my friends who lost their lives and for the ones who are fighting to hang on in a hospital in Germany.
Fighting through the tears, I glance around the room hoping to find Ryan still here with me only to find that I'm all alone.
It hits me hard that I just let go of the only good thing I've had in my life. It's that realization that allows the darkness to emerge and threatens to swallow me whole.
