Page 39 of Talon
Everyone was quiet long enough that Madison thought no one had anything else they wanted to say, at least not in front of her.But just as she’d made that decision, Malice spoke up.
“Actually.I do.”Malice shifted in his seat so he looked at her, once she met his gaze, she found it hard to look away, as if he had some magnetic pull to him that she couldn’t break.
“I don’t know how much the women have told you.None of the women here have had it easy.”He snorted.“Hell, none of the men have either.I guess what I’m trying to say is that none of us hold what you’re going through against you.It’s not your fault this fucknut has fixated on you.What he’s done to get his way isn’t your fault.And we don’t hold any of it against you.
“We will, however, continue to do everything we can, all of us, to make sure you’re safe and okay.There’s little I hate more than a man who tries to force himself on a woman, especially when he goes to such extremes.Besides.What if by some bizarre chain of events, he manages to get you, you stay with him and are, at least for the most part, content.What happens in five or ten years when he moves on and finds another woman to fixate on?What will happen to you then?”He didn’t give her time to say that would never happen or to even think about what Billy might do, should Malice’s suggestion happen.Instead, he kept talking.“What makes you think that eventually, you wouldn’t end up just like Sally?”
Madison opened her mouth to say Billy wouldn’t do that but closed it again without saying anything.Hadn’t he done exactly that with Sally?
Growing up, she would have said Billy was gentle, he was nice, he would never hurt anyone.But now it looked like he’d not only killed his wife, a wife she had no clue he’d had.And her father.That was at least two people he’d killed.Knowing that he’d killed two, including her dad, it made her wonder if those were the only ones he’d killed.He’d seemed so sure no one would figure out what he’d done.Had there been more?
“If he’s killed two people to get what he was after, chances are good that there are more, and we just haven’t found them yet,” Steele said.
She remembered his name, though she wasn’t sure why.How his timing, saying exactly what she was thinking, was so fitting, she had no idea.
The heavy rock in her stomach, only seemed to get heavier.Madison let her gaze fall to her hands, still folded in her lap.She didn’t think that was Lurch’s goal when he’d started this, still, it was something she had a hard time fighting.All of this, her father’s death, Billy’s wife’s death, the putting people here at the ranch out, was all because of her.How could they not resent her for that?”
“Stop that right now,” Bonnie’s voice pulled her from her thoughts.
Madison looked up, eyes wide as she wondered if Bonnie was talking to her.
“Yes, I’m talking to you.I recognize that look.You’re blaming yourself for this.You’re thinking something along the lines of ‘if it wasn’t for me, none of this would be happening’ and it’s just not true.”
Madison tilted her head and met Bonnie’s gaze.“What makes you think so?”
“I don’t think so.I know it.Did you tell him to kill his wife?Did you force him to do it?”
“No.”She scowled.“I didn’t know he was married, so I couldn’t have done that.”
“Exactly.Did you convince him that the only way you could be together was for him to kill your dad?”
Pain shot through her chest.It felt like someone had stabbed her.Or like she was losing her father all over again.She couldn’t imagine ever advocating for anyone’s death, much less her dad’s.“Of course not.”
“So, you’re telling me you didn’t encourage or condone any of his behavior, before or after the fact?”Bonnie asked, refusing to give up on the topic.
“Of course not.”
“Then somehow you think, because you exist, because you are breathing, that you caused some random nutter to kill two people?”
Madison blinked a couple of times.“I see what you’re saying, and I even agree with you here.”She lifted one hand and touched her temple.“But knowing it here,” she touched her head again, “doesn’t do much to convince this part of me.”She poked herself in the chest, hoping she was making sense to someone other than herself.
“I get it,” Bonnie said, meeting her gaze.“A few months ago I was kidnapped and tortured by a guy I dated for a few weeks.He had decided I was his and he wasn’t going to let me go.No amount of rational talking would deter him.”She took a deep breath.
Even from across the table where Madison sat, she could see the other woman trembling.Malice wrapped an arm around her waist and murmured something in her ear that was too soft for Madison to make out.Bonnie shook her head and turned her gaze to Malice.
“No.I need to talk about it.Talking about it gives him less power over me.I’m not quite there yet, but I will get to the point that talking about him, or even thinking about him, doesn’t terrify me.But remember, I have to go through the pain to get past it,” she said the last like she’d repeated it many times, then she leaned in and kissed him gently on the mouth, heedless that they had an audience.
After another deep breath Bonnie turned back to Madison.“My point is that you may have to repeat it to yourself fifty times a day, but eventually it will sink in.Eventually something deeper than the logical part of your brain will believe that it’s not your fault.Repeat after me.‘I didn’t make him hurt anyone.He made that choice on his own.I am not to blame.’”
Madison didn’t know if she could, but she took a deep breath and forced herself to repeat what Bonnie had asked her to.She felt like an idiot, but she did it anyway.Maybe Bonnie was right.
“Good.Now.Every time you start to feel guilty about all this, whether it’s his wife’s death, your father’s or even accepting help from any of us, repeat it to yourself.Say it out loud.You need to not just think it, you need to hear it.Hearing the words in your own voice triggers something different in your brain and you will start to believe it faster.”
Madison couldn’t help staring at Bonnie for a few seconds.
“You know a lot about this,” she said after a minute.
“Counseling.Someone insisted I go after he rescued me.I’m nowhere near finished or past it, but I am making progress at being me again.I will recommend the same to you, it will help you process your feelings about your dad and the rest of it.”She waved one finger in a circular motion as if indicating the room, but Madison knew what she meant.But she didn’t know how to respond, so she didn’t.
