Page 30 of Finding Ash
We finished the rest of dinner in silence, and with the three of us, the dishes were done and put away in no time.
“The shower is too small for all of us, so why don’t you boys go first?”
“Together?” Ash squeaked.
“While the two of you may fit, I wasn’t suggesting that. One at a time if that suits you.” I know these boys looked to me to make all the decisions as the only one of the triad who’s been in a sexual relationship, but I really was not comfortable making any sort of choices such as showering together for them. If they wanted to, then fine, if not, that was their prerogative.
For now, being left with my thoughts while they prepared for bed was what was best. Considering Sammy was the last man, the only man, I’d ever slept with, my emotions were a bit of a mess, and time to sort them was required.
Chapter Thirteen
Ash
I had no clue what to think, let alone how to feel. It’s not like I haven’t read books with sex in them, but I felt so uncomfortable reading it that I generally skipped through those pages. Did I want to be intimate with Remy and McClain? Yes, in some ways, though penetration wasn’t one of them.
Does that make me broken?
Would they stillwant me if I was?
“Hey,” Remy nudged me with his shoulder as he slid into bed. The smell of the bodywash we were all using filled the air. I drew in the calming scent, hoping it would help keep the anxiety at bay. Lavendar had a way of doing that.
“What if I’m broken?”
“Huh? What do you mean?”
How could I say this without getting embarrassed? Who was I kidding? Everything embarrassed me. “With the whole, you know, penetration thing?” Of course, that was the moment McClain chose to walk into the room.
“I thought this might be a problem,” McClain slid into his side of the bed. “If it makes you uncomfortable, then Remy and I can refrain in your presence.”
Ugh, I was screwing this up. “It’s not you guys, it’s me.”
“What do you mean?” Remy asked.
“I’m okay with you two doing it, I think. It’s the idea of it being done to me or me doing it to someone else.”
“Ah, I see,” McClain said. “Sweetheart, many relationships thrive without penetrative sex. We want to be with you for you and not for sex, though sex is a nice component. But I promise you it’s a non-issue. As we discussed during dinner, there are other means of sexual activity you may enjoy.”
I forgot about that, given the moment he mentioned the words, my brain short-circuited.
“Same,” Remy agreed. “We can do other things, but I really want to try with McClain but only if you’re okay with that. Nothing is worth losing you over, Ash. I love you and I love McClain too.”
“I’m okay with that. If it makes me uncomfortable I’ll go watch TV.” The odd part was I really wanted to watch them because I knew they’d be beautiful together. Was that wrong of me? How would I feel if I knew they were fooling around when I wasn’t there? “I’m such a mess.”
“No, you’re not,” Remy wrapped his arms around me. “You’re you and you’re entitled to your own thoughts and feelings.”
“Maybe you’re on the asexual spectrum. Let me ask you this,” McClain paused just long enough for my heart to race. “Have you been aroused by either of us?”
Had I been. “I want to say yes, but I can’t remember a specific event.”
“May I touch you?” McClain asked.
“Of course.”
“Me too?” Remy added.
“Yes.”
“Lie back and close your eyes. We promise not to touch anywhere private without your consent, and if at any pointyou want us to stop, just say the word and it ends. No hard feelings whatsoever, we love you no matter what, Ash.” When I took too long to move, McClain asked, “Do you trust us?”
