It was a reassuring constant flow of sound, soothing to listen to, plus Chamis liked hearing all of these things from Bennan’s perspective. Bennan didn’t seem to expect a response from Chamis, taking away a lot of the pressure.
He felt a lot more relaxed by the time they arrived at the bakery. Unfortunately, it was a lot more crowded than he’d expected. The dining hall was maybe worse, but those were people Chamis knew, and he was used to it. This was strangers in a small setting, and it was really loud. He was immediately uncomfortable.
“How about we grab pastries and eat them while we walk?” Bennan suggested casually. “It’s a nice day.”
Chamis could actually feel his shoulders unbunching.
“That sounds nice,” he managed to say, getting three whole words out.
He sucked in a breath, blew it out, and concentrated on the feeling of Bennan’s arm against his, where he had looped his through Chamis’s and not let go.
“Thanks,” he whispered.
Bennan just threw a smile at him and didn’t try to carry on a conversation in the bakery where there was so much going on. Chamis felt like he couldn’t concentrate on anything in there.
They made it up to the counter eventually, and Bennan pointed out the pastries that Delana swore were the best ever. Chamis just nodded. Bennan asked for two of those, and then he pointed at two other pastries, and the girl at the counter put those in a bag as well. Bennan paid before it even occurred to Chamis that this was actually a transaction, and he should have been ready to at least offer to pay for his part of the meal.
And then they were back outside, Bennan towing him away from the bakery, and Chamis started to relax again.
“Don’t like crowds?” Bennan said gently.
It didn’t sound judgmental, but Chamis felt his shoulders hunch anyway. “I can handle crowds.”
“That’s not what I said.”
Chamis blew out a breath, sucked it in again, and felt tears prickle at the corners of his eyes. But he was not, he was absolutelynotgoing to cry right now.
“They’re not my favorite,” Chamis managed to choke out.
“It always amazes me when people who don’t like crowds decide to do something like become a Warrior. That must be so tough, but you choose to do it anyway. It’s reallyimpressive.”
This was so contrary to what Chamis had been told on a regular basis and what he’d come to believe about himself that he actually stopped right in the street, and Bennan was brought up short because they had linked arms again.
“Really?” Chamis said, swallowing around a painful lump in his throat. “You’re not just saying that?”
“I would never lie to you,” Bennan said, eyes wide and bright and so beautiful. “I love people, and I’m fine with diving into a crowd. So that part is easy for me. Knowing that it’s a struggle for you but you do it anyway? That’s what real courage is, don’t you think?”
“I think courage is being brave and not being afraid of anything,” Chamis answered.
Bennan shot him a look. “Do you know anyone who’s afraid of nothing? Or do you just not know what they’re afraid of?”
Chamis thought about this for a minute. “But they don’t make it so obvious that everyone knows that they’re… they’reshy and uncomfortable.”
“There’s nothing wrong with being shy,” Bennan said firmly. “And we can work on the discomfort, can’t we? See if there are things that make it better, minimize it where we can. You’ll do it for your job, you’ve already said, but why make you suffer through it at other times for no reason?”
“So I’ll get over it?” Chamis said hollowly, echoing the oft-voiced suggestion through his childhood and teen years.
“Has that worked so far?” Bennan asked dubiously. “Or have you just been miserable?”
Chamis pressed his lips together.
Bennan tried again, “Well, there’s always safety in numbers, right? That’s what Onadal teaches us. How about if there are crowds to conquer,you let me know, and we can conquer them together. How does that sound?”
That sounded really, really good. But was it something Chamis was supposed to admit? Or was he supposed to pretend he would be fine?
He thought of Perian, thought of Bennan, both of them unafraid to tell people what they really felt. He sucked in a breath, then let it out in a huff, squaring his shoulders.
“That sounds good,” he said, surprising himself by actually sounding firm and certain.
