Page 61 of Risky Match
“Oh, no. It’s not that. I’m not dying.” I push a lock of her hair behind her ear, incredibly moved by her concern.
She exhales audibly. “That’s a relief. Before I think of more devastating possibilities, please tell me what’s going on.”
“Okay. Sit back. This will take a while to explain. You see, I have a history of injuries, falling ill to viruses, and a slew of other disasters at Wimbledon. Every year there’s been some reason things haven’t worked out for me here. In the beginning, I was young and knew I had many more chances to win, so I didn’t think much about it. Hell, the first few years, I didn’t even expect to win. Then more years passed, and I still hadn’t won. With each passing attempt, the pressure increases.”
“You still have plenty of time,” she reassures with a squeeze to my forearm.
“That’s what I told myself every year. But this year felt different in a bad way. A couple of months ago, I started dreading Wimbledon for fear something horrible would happen again. The worry and fear that I would never achieve my dream and remove this weight off my shoulders started to weigh me down. It consumed my thoughts.”
“I can see how that would happen.”
“It became worse though. One day my heart raced, my chest tightened, and I broke out in a sweat. I knew I was having a heart attack and rushed to the doctor.”
“Oh, my god. How bad was it?”
She leans forward grasping my arm with both her hands, the color draining from her face.
“Fortunately, my heart was fine. It was my first panic attack. It turns out the symptoms are very similar to a heart attack.”
“At least it wasn’t a heart attack. But you said it was thefirstone. Have there been more?”
“Yes.”
“You must have been so frightened.”
“I was. I still am, if I’m honest. They can happen at any time. And the fear that the press would learn about it and tell everyone that I panic over my tennis matches made it even worse. I couldn’t talk to anyone.”
I’m shocked that I’m talking about this so freely with anyone other than my therapist. It’s cathartic to be able to share this with someone I haven’t paid to listen. Bri makes me feel so comfortable and safe.
“I can’t imagine how hard that was. Is that why you hired Natalie?” she asks softly.
“Yes. Eventually, Josh figured out what was going on and recommended her. She’s been helping me learn to deal with this.”
“Are there drugs that can help?”
“I opted not to go on medication. Some drugs are approved for athletes, but there have been several scandals lately with tennis players testing positive for unauthorized substances. The list of banned drugs changes regularly, so I didn’t want to take the risk that something I took could come back to haunt me the next time there’s an update.”
“That makes sense. How are you managing?”
“Doc taught me techniques for getting through an attack when one happens. We also decided that I’d change my routine for the tournament. I arrived earlier than usual to have time to settle in. I promised myself I’d focus solely on practicing and not let myself be distracted.”
She clasps her hands over her mouth. “Oh, no! Then I arrived to play doubles with you. No wonder you tried to talk me out of it. The distraction must have freaked you out.”
“You have no idea. Then you said it would be your only way to play at Wimbledon and fulfill your dream. I couldn’t let you down. I knew how much it was killing me to have an unfulfilled need to win here. I couldn’t be responsible for that happening to you.”
“I had no idea. Agreeing to partner with me was so incredibly generous and unselfish of you. You truly understood what I was feeling.”
I nod and squeeze her hand. “I did. That’s why, with Natalie’s help, I became determined to make it work. I could spare a few hours to practice and play matches with you. Josh and Natalie helped me think of our doubles as extra practice time.”
“That makes sense, but I’m so sorry. I never would have intentionally put you in that position. I didn’t know.”
“Please don’t apologize. It turned out to be the best thing that could have happened for me.”
“How’s that?”
She looks mystified. It’s a cute look on her. Doesn’t she know how incredible she is?
“I’d been waiting for something bad to happen. I assumed that being forced to play doubles was thatbadthing. But I’d found a way to handle it and turn it into a positive. At that point, I thought things were under control, and I could still win.”
