Page 121 of Nodus Tollens
“We… talked for a bit.” She pulled herself out of his arms and forced him to fully turn around as her hand held onto his. The tension still ran hot between us, creating a charged standoff with our unwavering stares.
“He didn’t upset you, right?” He asked Wren without taking his eyes off me.
“No. He didn’t upset me.” She quickly said as I narrowed my eyes on him. I couldn’t blame him for asking after the shit I said earlier.
Sighing, I knew what I had to do, but I still hated the emotions that came with it. I had to get over it and move the fuck on from this. No matter how difficult it would be for me. Hockey wouldn’t be the same without him, but I couldn’t make him stay. I couldn’t if his heart wasn’t in it anymore. He was changing, evolving into someone better and someone who desired something different. If this was his path and what he wanted… I had to accept that. I had to be the one to cheer him on, just like I knew he would do for me.
“Can I talk with you?” I nodded toward him. Wren’s eyes snapped to mine as they shifted into a mixture of incredulity and pride. She knew what was going to do, and it was partly because of her. Hayes just looked at me. Silence filled the air until he focused his attention back on Wren.
“You okay if I talk with him a bit?” He asked with a gentleness I’ve never seen or heard before.
“Of course.” She smiled. “I’ll be inside.”
He brought her hand up to his mouth and placed a small kiss on the top of it.
I watched as she walked past me, and as she did, she mouthed two little words.
Thank you.
Not much made my heart batter, but that did.
Disappearing behind me, she made her way to the house, and when I heard the soft sound of the door closing, I knew it was just Hayes and I out here. Alone at last. He stood at least five feet in front of me with a defensive look.
“What do you want to talk about?” He asked as he stood with his arms crossed over his chest and his eyes skating from mine to the sky.
Damnit, I was nervous. My palms were fucking sweaty, and heart was beating like a jackrabbit. I shifted in the flimsy chair. I knew he was mad at me just like I was at him. It wasn’t like this was the first time we’d gotten into an argument, and it surely wouldn’t be the last. But this was different. I could see the hurt lining his features. The realness. We weren’t fighting over who ate the last slice of fuckin’ pizza or who hogged all the hot water. This was real-life stuff. This was personal, and it affected both of us.
“You’ve been my best friend since we were twelve.” I pushed out. “And to this day, I still can’t figure out why you chose me. You coulda’ picked anyone. Jake Price, the kid who got you all those PS3 games on your birthday. Or Weston, the one who had rich as fuck parents with an inground pool in their backyard, but instead, you picked me. The poor, moody as fuck kid who fought anyone who pissed him off. Still tryin’ to figure out your logic on that, but I’m glad you haven’t realized yet that it was a bad fuckin’ decision.”
“Mal…” Hayes went to interrupt, but I stopped him.
“Hockey was the one thing that kept me goin’, you know. When I was out on that ice, I didn’t feel like the kid whose parents didn’t care about him. None of that shit mattered out there. All my troubles and worries just vanished.” My stare wavered into the distance. I was overwhelmed by the unwanted feelings currently washing over me. “I feel like I’m at home when I’m out there, and I’d never thought one day you’d want to leave it.”
“I know what hockey means to you, Mal. I know how important it is to have it in your life, but I don’t share that same love for it as I used to. It feels like I can’t breathe or focus on anything else when I’m out there and, for once, I want to feel something other than heavy hockey gear on my body or being body-checked into the goddamn glass.”
His voice rose, but he remained standing in front of me with his stare every now and then finding mine.
“I get it, Hayes. Even if I don’t fully understand it, I fuckin’ get it enough. I’ll move on. I’ll accept your decision and trust that you know what you’re doing. That this will make you happy ‘cause that’s all I ever fuckin’ wanted. If it’s not with hockey, then so be it, but I expect you to be at games cheerin’ my ass on.” I grin. “And… I expect you to show me what true happiness looks like for Hayes Decker because I feel like I’m already starting to see it.”
With Wren, I see it.
With the girl I can’t have.
Hayes’ stoic expression hadn’t shifted yet. It made me anxious. Nervous because I had given him a grin, while he gave me nothing in return. Possibly taking it all in… my attempt at an apology.
“I’m sorry I blew up. You know me and my temper… When you told me that you were done with hockey, I just fuckin’ blacked out. I know it’s not an excuse or anything, but I really am sorry. Even though I wish you would have told me sooner, I’m glad you finally did.”
He then finally reacted by shoving his hands into his pockets. A deep sigh invaded the air around us as he connected his eyes with mine.
“Hockey will always be home, even when I’m not there, Mal. The ice won’t change. The way you play your heart out every goddamn game won’t change. The only thing that will is not having me out there with you. That’s it.” He moved over to the chair Wren was sitting before and dropped into it. “Just because I won’t be playing anymore doesn’t mean I’ll cut hockey out of my life completely. Or you, for that matter.” He glanced over at me with severity in his gaze. I didn’t want to admit that fear out loud, but it was the truth. It sounded fuckin’ selfish of me to say that I was worried he’d realize I was no longer needed in his life. That when hockey would be out of the equation, so would I.
But I had to know better than thinking Hayes could do something like that. Though it was a valid fear, I couldn’t dwell on it. Not when he never gave me reason to believe he would do that.
“I gave it everything I had, and I’m sorry if it upset you. I know I should have told you sooner. I just didn’t know how to tell you.”
He was holding off telling me because he knew I would react like this. He knew I wouldn’t take it with an open mind, and yet here I was trying. Granted, it was an hour after the blowout in the dining room. but still. I was letting myself accept it.
“You’re right. You should have told me, but I understand why you didn’t.”
