Page 13 of Nodus Tollens
“Kate, it’s okay…” I tried reassuring her, but I could tell she was past the limit of being pissed off. She was practically steaming from her ears with how angry she was, and I felt responsible. This was how it always went. Kate to the rescue while I coward behind her, praying that everything would just disappear and be forgotten about. Why couldn’t I stick up for myself? Why couldn’t I, for once, get angry and just let it all out?
“No, it’s not okay. If you would have been hit any harder, it could’ve caused you to….” Her eyes closed on a somber sigh, and her shoulders dropped. I knew what crossed her mind in those few seconds after I was hit. I could tell by the tears that were threatening to fall from her eyes and the shakiness in her tone. She was worried about me, and I hated that she had to fear something like that happening. I wasn’t invincible, but I wasn’t as fragile as she thought I was. Though my head hurt like a mofo, all in all, I was okay. Physically anyway, but mentally, I wanted to crawl into a hole and disappear. “Let’s get you up.” Kate sighed and stretched both hands out for me to grab. With muddy palms, I entwined our hands and slowly pulled onto my shaky feet. My whole lower body felt soaked. Kate shifted her eyes onto my legs and over my ass, causing a ripple of groans to fall past her lips. “I feel like stabbing someone.” She muttered while taking the football she had in her hands and tossing it into the crowd. Surprisingly, it was a decent throw, too.
“Seriously, I’m fine.” I forced out a laugh, suddenly feeling extremely self-conscious about the fact I literally just fell into a pile of mud in front of at least a hundred classmates. I could still feel their eyes every now and then, coming back over to me in amusement.
God, I needed to leave as soon as possible.
My cheeks had to have been the shade of a fire hydrant, and my eyes burned with the need to cry. Kate immediately took notice of my facial expression, and her eyes softened. “Come on. Let’s go back to our room.”
I didn’t want her to leave, though. I knew just how excited she was for tonight. I didn’t want to ruin her fun or the possibility of her finally getting Hendricks’s attention. Knowing her, she would probably argue and demand that she leaves with me, but this time I wasn’t going to back down. It was time for me to deal with my anxiety and unease without the help of someone else. She wasn’t always going to be there to fix my problems, and for once, I wanted to be seen as someone who was strong. That despite everything going on in my life, weakness wasn’t my downfall anymore. I wanted to conquer all my fears and doubts, until all that was left to beat was my malfunctioning heart. Alas, that was the only thing out of my control.
“Kate.” I stole her attention with the firmness in my tone. “I promise you I’m fine. I appreciate your concern and how you always look out for me, but no. You’re not going back with me this time. You’re staying here, and you’re going to have fun. I see Jess over there that you can hang out with, but there’s no way in hell I’m letting you go back to our boring dorm with me.” I softened my eyes to add a little more intensity to my words. I could see how badly she wanted to interrupt me by the way her mouth opened and closed, but still, she remained silent. “Just please, for me, stay and try to talk to Hendricks. You’ve been going on and on about tonight and how excited you were. Don’t let my muddy pants ruin your night.”
“Wren…”
I already knew she was going to argue, so I swiftly cut her off.
“No, don’t Wren me. Say you’ll do this for me, please.”
Her lids lowered, and her mouth cinched to the side as if contemplating in her own head what to do. Kate was beyond stubborn, but she always had my best interest at heart. Even now, I could see indecisiveness in her gaze as she tugged forcefully at her plump lower lip. Her stare wavered over briefly to the stage, and in that moment, her eyes locked onto something, or should I say someone, who ignited a subtle warmth throughout her body. All the tension escaped from her eyes and shoulders as if that man up there held the key to everything. Deep down, she wanted to stay, but her good conscious wasn’t letting her.
“Just say you’ll stay.” This time, I hit her with a potent stare that I knew she couldn’t refuse.
Suddenly, her nostrils flared then, on a deep exhale, she flapped her arms in surrender. “Fine. Fine, I’ll freaking stay, but if you need me. Text me.”
“I will.” I grinned in relief.
“Promise?” She locked eyes with mine, and like always, I saw panic. Not enough that would send her into something full blow and frantic, but just enough to where the feeling would linger in the back of her head.
“I promise. Now, please.” I nod my head into the direction of the turbulent crowd. “Go have fun.”
In response, she gave me a sad smile. She was one of those friends who didn’t like when you missed out on the fun. She wanted to experience it with you, even if you were a stick in the mud like myself. Also, it didn’t help that she had to continuously worry about me. Not that she had to, but she most likely couldn’t help it.
I guess that was just a downfall of having me as a friend.
I could sense her hesitation, so I placed my palm onto her arm and lightly pushed her in the right direction. “Go.” I mouthed, and reluctantly, she went. With her back to me, I watched and made sure she’d made it to Jess, so I knew she at least wouldn’t be alone here tonight. When Kate finally immersed herself into Jess’s group of friends, I took that as my cue to leave. With mud covering my ass and most of the back of my pants, I took one last look at Kate with a smile. Though I could still feel eyes on my lower half, and my heart felt like it was going to hammer out of my chest, I gracefully put one foot in front of the other and departed.
The first step to overcoming your fears, don’t show any signs of distress. Lift that crown and show em’ just how unfazed you actually are.
And surprisingly, it fucking worked.
3
HAYES
To this day, the sound of my name being cheered by turbulent crowds and roaring fans seemed too surreal. I wasn’t vain, but to say I didn’t get a rush of adrenaline from it would be a big fat fucking lie. I think most of my teammates would agree that the high you got from it was unlike any other feeling in the world. It made you feel utterly invincible to have a crowd of a hundred plus fans in the palm of your hands like this. Nothing would ever come close to that feeling, but even kings grew tired of their prominence. At first, I felt like I was on top of the world when I got out onto the ice and had every fan out there rallying behind me. The encouragement was like a drug plunging straight into my veins, one I never wanted to get rid of. We were the kings on campus, and what young freshman wouldn’t want that? To be admired and yearned after by near every damn female on campus. Every guy’s fucking dream, right? Wrong. At first, I thought it was my dream. The fame, hockey, women, I happily and greedily indulged in every aspect of it.
In retrospect, I was the man. Hell, we all were. High-fived for games, high-fived for sealing the deal with more-than-willing-and-giving puck bunnies. Sutton University was our kingdom. I embraced it all in the beginning until suddenly, I didn’t. It wasn’t like I had an epiphany where I was suddenly struck with the urge to be a gentleman or desired something more in life other than hockey. Gradually, it became a tiring cycle of the same shit. To be honest, I was bored. I knew there was more to life than putting on skates and chasing tail, but I wasn’t quite sure what that something was. What exactly did I want? Because suddenly, it wasn’t hockey anymore.
God, Mal would be giving me so much shit right now if he knew what I was thinking. Especially right now, as we stood on stage, overlooking a sea of black and purple screaming fans. With his arm around my shoulder and a goofy widespread grin across his face, I was astonished to see the grumpy bastard in a good mood. Granted, he had a few beers in his system by now, but seeing him crack a smile was like witnessing a lunar eclipse.
That rare.
Cruz was busy laying it on thick to the crowd, who was eagerly eating up every slurred word of his. If it weren’t for our high status around here or the fact he was team captain, I’d take the damn mic out of his hands and cut him off. Clearly, he was already beyond our three-beer maximum. No surprise there. And it was only going to worsen with the boys egging the fucker on. With Hendricks’s loudmouth and Locke’s incessant provoking in the background, it was a recipe for disaster. But hell, with them all together on stage, I could only imagine the trouble they’ll cause tonight.
“Never gets old, does it?” Mal shouted a little too closely to my ear, causing my body to pull away to the side. It was obvious he was referring to the cheering around us, and I knew he soaked in every high-pitched squeal and low rumble from the fans. If anything, it made him play harder, skate faster, and brought out the mean fucker in him that lingered beneath the surface. Mal was the opposite of self-absorbed. I mean, he had to be when he grew up the way he did. He was never praised as a kid or celebrated for something as simple as getting a good grade in school. He evaded conversations about his parents, and I didn’t blame him. His dad was a piece of shit, and his mom never gave a shit. So, when he was finally noticed, and people actually started to witness and appreciate his talent and greatness, he fucking absorbed that shit and used it to his advantage. Unfortunately, I didn’t feel the same. My whole life I’ve been fortunate. I had great, loving parents who supported me in everything I wanted to pursue. Especially hockey. They were present at every game. Decked out in number 11. They roared for me louder than any other parents out there. Even off the ice, they spoke of me like they couldn’t be any prouder to have me as their son. To be honest, it was exhausting living up to who they perceived me as. I wasn’t a saint, but compared to the guys on the team, I was like the Pope. I’ve tried to keep most of my life private and out of the mouths of strangers, but it was inevitable that some details would be exposed. Due to my carelessness my freshman and sophomore years, I was a hot topic around campus. It wasn’t what I would consider negative gossip, but as soon as the whispered words got to my parents, I wanted to crawl into the deepest hole known to man. No parents should know how hard and thorough you can fuck a woman.
Ever.
