Page 142 of Nodus Tollens
Hasn’t my heart already been through enough?
I continued to cry, begging for him to come back to me, but my helpless words went unheard.
And here I was now. A hundred-yard stare focused on the door in front of me as I tried and failed at summoning enough courage to see him. To look at Hayes one last time and say goodbye. His parents were in the room right now with him, doing the best they could to hold it together. The despairing howls and cries were unavoidable. Physically, I had blocked it all out, but mentally, I was lost in a state of endless misery with no hope of ever resurfacing.
With no hope of ever finding peace.
My hand was hovering over the door handle, the shakiness in my palm prevented me from grabbing it. No amount of comfort or relaxers could pacify this sudden crack and shift in my world. I was stuck in a state of shock and disbelief, that even now, I was confident they had the wrong person. That whoever was behind this door wasn’t my Hayes.
It couldn’t be.
I caught the mixture of a sob and whimper in the back of my throat and swiftly covered it with a palm to my mouth. Remnants of the sound leaked out as I felt my legs slowly begin to give out beneath me. If it wasn’t for the sound of the door opening in front of me, I would have let myself fall and nosedive into blackness, but I didn’t. I forced my legs to steady and sucked in a breath when I found Shelia waiting for me. No longer crying, she looked distant from the woman I had met. The shine in her eyes that I had envied was gone. It was stripped away until nothing was left but hollowness. Bottom lip trembling, she went to open her mouth, but the words had died on her tongue. Even I couldn’t find the right words to say as I felt as though nothing would feel right.
“Wren.” My choked-up name came from behind her as Greg came into my line of sight. Haunted eyes found mine as he drew Shelia into his chest and sighed. Disconnected from the world around her, Shelia remained frozen at the door. No longer focused on me, she was locked onto something over my shoulder.
“I’ll be back, Hayes. I promise. I need to go find Mal.” She spoke without turning her head, all while more tears fell down her cheeks. Then, her stare captured mine again. I was afraid of what words may come out of her mouth. Whether she would blame me or not for what had happened.I Instead, she stepped forward and pulled me into a hug. “Goodbyes aren’t forever. Tell my son you’ll see him again. Tell him we all will.”
She hugged me for a good two minutes, and I squeezed her back. Tighter than I should have, but I couldn’t let go. When she finally decided to pull away, she quickly took off down the hall. I was so shocked by her sudden disappearance that I turned my head around to watch her, and when I spun back around to focus on Greg, my eyes caught sight of the bed.
The bed Hayes was on, and I froze.
“I don’t know if I can do this… I can’t…I don’t think I’m strong enough to say goodbye.” My words crumbled around the ripple of shakes that came over. My vision fogged with tears as my hand flew to my racing heart.
“My boy doesn’t need strong. He just needs you.” Greg reached for my free hand and squeezed solace into me. “Please, give him one last time with you. Give him the peace of knowing you’re here…Even if he is gone, he deserves that.”
Devastated, I sucked in a painful breath and forced my eyes to refocus.
“But…” I began to say as I shook my head.
“This isn’t just for him. It’s for you too, Wren.” He trembled.
My chin dropped to my chest.
“He loved you, Wren. That much, I know. Though it was short, I could see it in his eyes. The way he looked at you like you were his entire world.” His voice broke as his eyes closed. A grimace of pain took over his features while his hold on my hand tightened. “And I knew… I could see that he was your entire universe, too.”
“He was.” I winced as tears fell. “He is.” I corrected. “And always will be.”
Greg tried smiling, but it fell short as the pain of it all was too new.
“I know, and we will always be grateful for that.” He nodded. “Every dad hopes that their son will achieve the most out of life. That they will one day accomplish every goal, no matter how big or small. “But every father…” A small tear formed in the corner of his eye, but he refused to hide it as it streamed down his cheek. “Every father dreams that one day they will find true love. A love that is so blinding that they can no longer see the same… because there is nothing more precious than watching that little boy who grew up crashing dirt bikes and spending all his time out on the ice finally fall in love with a girl who will change his world for the better.”
I was then pulled into a hug. One where I could feel his appreciation and gratitude seep into me. We stayed locked in an embrace until he slowly began to pull away with his hand wrapped in mine.
“It’s time, Wren.” He finally tried releasing his hold, but on instinct, I gripped his hand tighter, afraid to let go. “Love him one last time.”
One last time?
I’d love him for the rest of my days until my heart gave out. Until my very last breath, I would love Hayes.
Hesitant, scared eyes latched onto him, and with a sob, I began to let go. His fingers slipped from mine, and with a thankful, solemn smile, he dropped a kiss onto my head.
“Thank you for loving my son.” His words were meant to soothe me, but instead, they ignited a whirlwind of anguish that penetrated the most intimate parts of my soul. Parts that I refused to let anyone see or let get to me, but today, I was cut open and exposed to the world around me. Vulnerable and in a state of complete utter shock, my wounds were visible and would be until the end of time.
Once he pulled his mouth from the top of my head, he walked past me, leaving me in a state of heartache.
* * *
Were eyes fully aware of our emotions? Did they know when we were afraid or heartbroken and somehow shift what we perceived? Or did they not care about subjecting us to the cruelest of things, whether they would scar us for life? As I stood with my stare cast downward and the faint shadow of the end of the bed cast over my feet, I prayed that my eyes would take pity on me. That they wouldn’t expose me to an image of Hayes I didn’t want to see.
