Page 143 of Nodus Tollens
I was drowning in the greyness of the walls and the eerily quiet that filled the tiny space. I’ve never felt so alone in my life as I fought to lift my head.
I’m here, Blue. Please look at me.
“I can’t.” I stated out loud to no one.
Though I couldn’t find the strength to look at him yet, my feet began to shuffle closer to the side of the bed. It was like my feet had a mind of their own, and my body needed to be closer.
Like my heart needed to be closer to him.
Soft grey blankets caught my eye, and over top of it, I could see the outline of his arm. My throat clogged when my stare lingered upward and landed on his bare shoulder. Stripped of his shirt, I could make out bruises and small lacerations covering his body.
“Hayes….” I cried out, thinking of the many times I found comfort in the spot where his shoulder and neck connected. Once a spot of comfort, now tainted with dry blood and wounds that would never heal.
Slowly, my eyes moved to his neck, but my erratic breathing was forcing me to slow down. His face was nearing, and I knew I would collapse the moment I saw it. I’d never recover from the sight of it, but I needed to see him.
I missed him so much.
“I’m so scared, Hayes.” I confessed in rocky words. “But I’m here, and I’m not going anywhere.”
Then, ever so slowly, I raised my stare and met his lifeless, beautiful face. Battered and broken, he was still the most handsome human I had ever seen. Nothing would ever change that. But my heart splintered into a million pieces as I took him in. I waited for him to slowly open his eyes and give me one of his dimpled smiles, but nothing happened. Not even when I fell onto my knees and rested my hand on his arm. No movement, no anything.
“Hayes.” I shook his stiff arm to get his attention. “Hayes, please. Just wake up.” I shook him again. “I can’t… I can’t do this without you.”
Nothing.
Only painful silence answered me.
“Baby.” I cried out, this time louder and more forceful. “Hayes… you can’t leave me…” Tears began dripping down my face and onto the floor. “You can’t leave me.” I mumbled incoherently as disbelief began to hit me all over again. “You can’t leave me.” I demanded with a shout as I rested my cheek onto his arm, hoping for a miracle.
Hoping for anything but this.
“Please… please, give him back to me.” I begged. “Don’t take him…Don’t take him from me.”
Painful sobs started to wreak havoc on my body as I coated the blanket in tears. A river of unstoppable tears rained over every broken plea and word that was desperate to be heard. Back and forth, I ran my nose along his arm, mumbling my urgency for him to come back to me. Over and over, I said it, and over and over, my heart was cracking even more.
Then, on one final desperate act, I lifted my head from his arm and leaned over his body. Making sure I didn’t put too much weight on him, I cupped his poor mangled cheeks. Instantly, I was struck by how cold he was.
“I love you. More than I could have ever imagined, Hayes. More than I could have ever anticipated, it has always been you.” My cries deepened as I stared lovingly and hopelessly into his unopened eyes. “You took me out of the darkness and brought life back into me. And for that, I will always be grateful for you.” Dropping a tear-stained kiss onto his head, I couldn’t help but place a few more on his face. “If one thing is certain in this world, it’s that I was always meant to be yours.”
How could I learn how to live without you, Hayes, when all this time it was supposed to be you who had to learn how to live without me?
It wasn’t fair.
None of this was fair.
“You left me too soon.” I rubbed my fingertips over the top of his head and along the sides of his face. “I wasn’t done loving you yet.”
I don’t think I would ever be done loving him. If anything, as time passed, I would only love him more.
And with his face still cradled into my hands, I slowly removed them and let my head fall just beneath his chin, where I lay in my favorite spot. Tucked under his jaw, I breathed him in one last time. I let him hold me one last time.
Hours could have passed. Minutes or even seconds as I rested my head on his chest. Tears had finally seized as I stared absent mindlessly at the wall.
“I started writing a journal for you.” I confessed. “The one you left by my door.” I half chuckled, half cried at the memory of finding it. “I was going to fill it with memories of us and eventually give it to you to hold onto.”
A rush of air escaped me.
“I’ll keep writing in it. Even if you’re not here. I promise.” My eyes slammed shut. “I’ll fill it with everything.”
