Page 144 of Nodus Tollens
I couldn’t quit. I couldn’t end our story now when it had just begun.
“I’ll keep our love going, Hayes. I won’t stop our story. I won’t let it die.”
And I wouldn’t. No amount of time or space could make me forget.
And that’s when my whole body surrendered to the realization that it was time to let go.
Rising from his chest, I cupped his soft, beautiful cheek one last time and soaked in every part of him.
“I’ll see you in my dreams.” I lowered my face and, ever so gently, placed my lips against his one last time. Tears cascaded down, but I held on. I held onto the moment of us and the love we had.
A love so unbreakable that I knew I would find him in the afterlife.
But until then, it was time to let go.
“I love you more than words, Hayes. Always and forever.”
Then, finally, with one last kiss, we broke apart.
A glimmer of peace blanketed over me as I knew he was no longer suffering and that he was in the safest place he could be. He’ll forever live in the pages of my favorite book, the extra greasy slice of pepperoni pizza he would order, and the blankets in my room we’d spend hours wrapped in. He would be with me every day.
Gone, but never forgotten.
We will see each other again. I promise.
EPILOGUE
WREN
After Hayes’s passing, everything became a blur. The funeral was held in his hometown, where almost all of Sutton U’s students and faculty came to show their condolences. It was a beautiful service full of love and remembrance. His mother and Coach both gave eulogies. So many tears fell that day. Too many to count.
After that day, Mal disappeared. Not entirely, because he was still on campus. Playing hockey and attending classes, but after Hayes’ funeral, Mal no longer wanted anything to do with me. Or that’s how it felt. He avoided me at all costs, practically shutting me out of his life completely. To say it didn’t hurt would be a lie because it did hurt. He comforted me when I needed support. He was there for me and gave me the strength I needed to get through that horrible day.
But now, it was like I didn’t exist.
I heard rumors going around that he was possibly being drafted into the NHL after this year. I asked Kate since she was ‘dating’ James from the team, but no one was certain it was going to happen. They were just whispers at this point, but I had no doubt in my mind that it was going to happen. He was desperate to get away from it all. Where the pain and grief weren’t severe. I didn’t blame him for wanting to escape, but I wasn’t the only one he was shutting out.
Greg and Shelia also became victims. When they needed him the most, he stopped calling, he stopped visiting, but they understood why.
They didn’t blame him.
While things seemed to be going well for Mal, everything remained stagnant for me. Denial was the first stage. Even after his service, I still couldn’t comprehend that he was gone. A deep wave of sorrow settled, and that’s when it shifted to anger. Anger at Hayes, at the driver who had hit the vehicle, and even at myself. I blamed myself more than anyone for his death.
Now, I was stuck between depression and acceptance. Some days, I felt like I was doing better, but other days, I felt like I was drowning in endless grief. It was a battle. One that would never be won or lost.
Every weekend, I would drive back to his parents’ house and stay with them. I think it brought them comfort, knowing I wanted to remain close to them. Despite only knowing them for a short time, every day, we were growing closer and closer. We’d go through old photos of Hayes and find joy in the past. Greg and I would watch old western movies, an old tradition he and Hayes had, and on nights when I needed to feel him, to smell him, I’d crawl into his bed and bury myself in his blankets. Those were the nights I got the best sleep.
Those were the nights I’d dream him back to life.
And he was always there waiting for me.
Now, exactly six months later, still numb and broken, I found myself lying on a blanket in front of his grave. Nothing but my journal and a pen. I found my best words when I was here with Hayes. I could feel his presence all around me. Like the starry sky, he was everywhere.
“After this year, I’ve decided to move closer to you.” I confessed. “Now, before you say anything. Yes, I want to be here. I don’t need to or want to travel around the world. I love being around your family. I love being here.”
I need to be close to you.
“If I can get a decent-paying job, I was thinking of buying a house. A small one, but somewhere close so I can come visit more.”
