Page 37 of Nodus Tollens
If that isn’t enough to tell you that I’m not interested, maybe this will.
I don’t do love. I won’t ever love. I won’t ever love you.
P.S. Please stop leaving random blue items at my door. I will thank you for the dolphin, though, it’s extra soft.
P.P.S I’ll never be sick of blue.
Was this progress? I sure as hell hoped so. Despite the sharp jab to the heart I felt when I read ‘I won’t ever love you’, I knew it was a lie. It had to be. She was protecting herself with words she didn’t mean, and by God, I wanted to change that. With the trust and love she never thought she could have, I wanted to give her everything and more.
She didn’t have to write me. She could have thrown everything I had given her away and completely shut me out, but she chose not to. She chose to keep our communication open. I swear, I have never experienced such relief since we won the frozen four last year.
In my opinion, this win was a whole lot more rewarding than hockey.
With a wide smile plastered across my face, I glanced up at the door in front of me and grinned. She had already made my day a hell of a lot better, and it was only through her writing. I could only imagine the effects she would have on me if she were actually standing in front of me. I don’t think I’d last longer than a few seconds before the need to ravage her mouth took over. To feel her silky sunshine hair through my fingers. To hear her soft little sighs against my lips. Fuck, I wanted that more than I wanted my next breath, but I knew I couldn’t force it. No matter how badly I needed her with me and by my side, I knew I couldn’t.
I had to show her that I wasn’t like all the other men out there because I wasn’t. There wasn’t a single man out there that could love her like I would. That would treat her like I would, or even compare to the type of worship I would offer. She deserved to be shown that, even in a sea of people, my eyes would always search for hers. I didn’t want just a fling. In her eyes, I saw forever, and I knew one day I was going to get it. No matter how hard I had to work for it.
So, with the notebook still resting in my hands, I closed the front cover and gave her door one last look. I didn’t get what I came here for. I didn’t knock on her door. I didn’t get to see her beautiful scowling face, no. I got something far more meaningful than that. I found hope. A hope that lit a match within and gave me a boost of confidence and strength that I desperately needed in my life. Though she didn’t know it yet, she was saving me. I was slowly being revived, and I wanted to do the same to her.
It was time to show her that life wasn’t so blue because, from now on, with me, all she was going to see was yellow.
10
WREN
For two whole days, I’ve been in a state of panic. Partly because I haven’t received any more unannounced gifts at my door. It bothered me more than I thought it would, but what really had me alarmed was that the notebook was gone. I left it beside the door, and the next morning, it had vanished.
Did Hayes take it, or had someone else gotten their hands on it? God, I really hoped it wasn’t someone else, but now as I thought about it, I think I’d rather have a stranger read it than him. Why did I even entertain the idea of in the first place to communicate through a journal? Curiosity, perhaps? Or a part of me just wasn’t ready to let him go yet. Whatever it was, I indulged in it fully. Though my words weren’t the friendliest, and I had told him exactly three times in three different languages to leave me alone, it had brought an unsuspected jump in my heart rate.
Jesus, I was such a walking contradiction.
I wanted him to leave me be, yet I still found myself wanting so much more. Through a fucking journal, of all things. He really was screwing me up, my thoughts, my brain. All rational thinking seemed to have flown out the window, too.
Hayes Decker would, without a doubt, be my downfall if given the chance. I’d fall so easily, so willingly, too, if I let myself be open to the idea. Could I picture a life where Hayes would be in it? Yes, a million times yes, but in the end, I would be doing him a favor by avoiding him entirely. I couldn’t drag him down with me. I couldn’t let him suffer and worry about something that was completely out of my control. I’d be selfish in asking him to stay. I think anyone with a conscience would feel the same, but just this once, I wanted to experience something good. Something that resembled a warmth I’d yet to come across. Maybe that’s why I wrote him, for the thrill of what he might respond back with.
Would it finally satisfy the need in me, or would it only intensify it? That was yet to be determined, although, deep down, I felt as though I already knew the answer.
Unlocking the door to my room, I sauntered inside to find Kate sitting crisscross apple sauce on top of her bed. With her back slightly hunched over and her fingers moving a million miles an hour over her keyboard, my eyes locked onto what looked like a jersey neatly folded beside her.
I guess she must have bought another one.
Throwing my bag on top of my bed, Kate had yet to notice me, but I had a feeling she had her headphones on. So, with a playful grin stretched across my face, I tiptoed over to my unsuspecting victim. Could she really not see me coming from the corner of her eyes? Jesus, if there was ever a murderer in this room, and Kate had her headphones in, she’d be fucked.
Definitely would be the first one to go.
Once I was close enough to touch her, I lifted my hands slowly in front of me. With her head now bent in a way her dark locks pooled over the side of her face, I would be completely unnoticeable to her. She was so oblivious right now, so caught up in whatever song was playing in her ears as her body swayed side to side leisurely. Then, on a three-second countdown, I prepared to lunge.
3…2…1
My knees bent, and I leaped. I landed directly in front of her computer and got an earful of a terrified squeal. Her legs kicked out and began flailing all around, causing everything on her bed to crash onto the ground. I braced for a kick to the head or gut, but as soon as she realized it was me that had landed on her bed, she halted her frantic movements and pulled her earbuds out.
“Jesus Christ, Wren!” She placed a palm over her racing heart and stared at me with wide eyes. “You scared the shit out of me.” She yelped.
On my stomach, I moved my arms under my head and grinned up at her below the brim of my hat. She, of course, didn’t return the smile. Instead, she narrowed her eyes at me and began cursing under her breath.
“Payback’s a bitch.” I chuckled as she bent over the side of the bed and retrieved her fallen items.
“Payback? What the hell did I do to you?”
