Page 5 of Nodus Tollens
“Nervous?” She lifted her face as well as a thick eyebrow and gauged my reaction.
“You can say that.” I chuckled lightly. Relaxing my shoulders, I hoped it would ease me, but instead, the sounds of soft chatter from the hall and a faint consistent beeping interfered. Closing my eyes briefly, I could feel her gaze on me. My breathing was slightly erratic, but I reined it in the best I could until she removed the cuff from my arm.
“Alright, Wren, Dr. Adams will be in shortly.” She gave me a friendly smile before exiting the room, leaving me in the haze of uncertainty. Clasping my hands together, I started to fiddle with my thumbs. Back and forth, I scraped my nail against the cuticle until I started yanking aggressively on the rips in my overalls. The hole used to be the size of a quarter, a neatly designed tear that was now the size of a baseball and had an array of strings hanging from it. Though I knew one day I was going to completely destroy the pants of my overalls, ripping and pulling gave me some sort of relief in the moment. For a few minutes, I was given a rush of calmness. My breathing was evening out, my heart rate was steady, and my mind wasn’t racing. It was a joyful few minutes, until the sound of a soft knock on the door interrupted it. Instantly, my fingers dropped the tangled strings on my pants, and my heart quivered. The sight of Dr. Adams had me stiffening, not that I had anything against him because he was a great doctor, but he wasn’t a sugar coater. He wasn’t a sympathetic man, or one that would provide lots of comfort. Instead, he used every ounce of his energy to promise his patients that he would help. As long as he could and as hard he could, he would do anything in his power to make sure you lived a long, happy life. And so far, he’s kept his promise. Even on that dreadful day three years ago when my body went into sudden cardiac arrest. I was picking up paperwork from the cardiologist when, suddenly, everything went black. I connected with the ground instantaneously with barely a pulse, barely breathing, when Dr. Adams stormed into the waiting room and saved my life. CPR, an AED, fifteen horrendous minutes passed, until finally my heart started beating again.
Now, every time I saw him, I was bombarded with a rush of emotions. His weathered down face, and rough hands gave me onslaught of memories from that day and how frightened I was. From that day on, coming back here was a reminder and an uncertainty of what if one day that happened again? There was no anticipating anything with the heart. One day it could be beating wildly, then the next, it could completely stop.
“Wrenly Baker, my favorite patient.” Dr. Adams grinned as he peeked through the door, then slowly stepped inside. Dressed in his usual white coat and slacks, I found myself noticing the harsh lines of aging across his face and the tiredness in his eyes. Pushing sixty, I always saw him as just a grumpy older man. A straight-forward and no-bullshit kind of guy, but after the day he saved me, he seemed to have grown a soft spot for me. Every month, I was greeted with the words “My favorite patient,” and though I knew it wasn’t true, it still made me smile.
“Dr. Adams, my favorite doctor.” I smiled as warmth lightly tinged my cheeks.
I watched as he wobbled over to his rolling stool and took a seat with a quiet grunt. He was a bit uncoordinated and unsteady, but once he’s seated, he focused his attention on me.
“How’ve you been, Ms. Baker?” He rested his palms onto his thighs and scooted his chair closer to the exam table.
“I’ve been okay.” I nodded and tucked back the stray pieces of my hair behind my ear. His stare scoured my face for a moment, as if trying to check for any deception. Every conversation was the same. How are you? Fine. Any concerns? No. If anything was going to happen again, let it. I didn’t want to spend the rest of my life worrying. Instead, I wanted to live life and enjoy what time I did have left.
But I doubt a renowned doctor would understand where I was coming from. To him, medicines and surgeries were the answer to a longer life. But what was the answer to a happier one?
“Only okay?” He tilted his head faintly to the side, observing me with curious eyes that felt a little too excessive. “Didn’t you just start you senior year at Sutton? Surely that’s been an experience for you so far?”
I was currently a month into school. For most, it would be an exhilarating time, seeing all your old classmates, making new memories, and navigating the life of a college student. I wasn’t most people, though. I found comfort in the privacy of my dorm room. Avoiding my peers was essential to my plan, but I made an exception for my roommate Kate. Luckily, she could be both extroverted and antisocial. So, on Friday nights, when most students would be out drinking themselves into oblivion, Kate and I would have crime documentary marathons in our room until dawn. Though it may sounded boring to most, I loved my quiet, obscure life.
“It’s been… eye opening. Kind of surreal, but I’m enjoying it.”
He gave me a grin, then reached beside him where his clipboard was lying on the desk. “Eye opening, huh? I can remember my college days like they were yesterday.” I had a feeling Dr. Adams was a stud back in the day, and the way his eyes drifted away for a second, he was most likely reminiscing on those days. Awkwardness floated in the air, and I tried to get rid of it with a chuckle.
“Anyway, do you have any questions or concerns?” He asks while slowly bringing the clipboard into his lap and peering down at it.
“Not that I can think of.”
His mouth moved as he read over the notes from the nurse, and he slowly nodded his head in approval. “Vitals look good.” He flipped the paper and looked through more of the notes. “Looks like your last Echo was about two months ago…”
My hands found the cushion of the table, and I softly squeezed onto the edge with my fingers.
“Since everything looks in order, how about we schedule you an Echo for your next appointment? Just to check on things?” He lifted his eyes and meets mine.
“That works.”
Feeling like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders, I began to count the seconds until I could leave here.
Everything was fine.
I was okay, but the second I left, the countdown till I would have to come back would begin. And in those days in-between, I would pretend I was just a normal girl. With no health issues, no limitation, and no expiration date.
I would be the real Wren Baker. Full of words, grateful, and brimming with endless sunshine and happiness.
“Good.” He smirked and pushed off his soles of his feet to stand. “Well, it was nice seeing you again, Wren. I’m happy to hear that you’re enjoying school.”
“Thank you. It was nice seeing you, too.”
He reached his hand out for me to grab, and I immediately rested my palm in his. He was extremely gentle with his squeeze, as if he found me too fragile to handle anymore. Or maybe I was just thinking too far into it.
“See you in a month?” He lifted one grayish brow and showed off his pearly whites in a big smile.
“Yes, see you in a month.”
* * *
