Page 56 of Nodus Tollens
Would it be wrong to say I’d kill for these fucking lips?
Before her, I rarely ever let my mouth near anyone else’s, and when I did, I didn’t think much of it. There was no imagining just how soft they’d feel against mine. There was no before or afterthought at all until now. Now, all I wanted to do was memorize every ridge and curve that spread across her mouth. I wanted to trace her lips with my finger, then my tongue, until no part of her mouth was left untouched.
I wanted to be the last man who tasted her lips.
Then, ever so slowly, on a prayer, I lowered my head. I was mere centimeters from her mouth. I could taste her sweet breath on my tongue, but right before my lips touched hers, she spoke.
“I have a heart defect.”
Her words came out like a torpedo, and at first, I couldn’t comprehend what she had said. I pulled back slightly, causing our foreheads to separate and my confused stare to fall onto hers.
“Tetralogy of Fallot, to be exact.”
At first, I gave her no reaction. Nothing. Why should I, though, when I didn’t seem fazed at all, but when I abruptly took a step back and away from her, I finally got a reaction that I never thought I’d ever see.
Panic.
Sadness.
“I was born with it, and there’s no cure. I’ve long ago accepted the fact that my heart will go out way before you or anyone else I know.” Why did she suddenly sound like a fucking robot? Why was there no emotion or anything behind those words that were currently shredding their way through me? All I managed to get from that was that she was dying, and what pained me most was that she had accepted it. This beautiful young woman who had so much life to live had already accepted that she was going to die from this, and for once in my life, I felt like giving up. I felt like burning this stadium to the ground, along with all my hockey gear and every hope and dream with it. Without her, I didn’t want it.
Disbelief plagued me. It fucking wrecked me, and still, I had nothing to say.
“This is why I don’t do….this.” She pointed her finger back and forth between the two of us as her voice cracked. “This is why I wanted you to leave me be, Hayes. Can’t you see that I was only trying to protect you?” She broke. A cascade of tears fell from her eyes as black mascara stained the top of her jersey.
“Blue…”
First my dad, and now her? Why was life continuously trying to fuck me over like this? My vision started to blur with angry tears. My hands were clenched tightly at my side, and every fiber in me wanted to hurt something, but my heart demanded something else.
“Now, look what you did!” She shouted disbelievingly with a forced laugh. “You made me want things I know I shouldn’t have and seeing you with that girl made me realize you deserve so much more than what I could give you.”
My girl was breaking right in front of me. I had a feeling it’s been bottled up inside her for quite some time now until she couldn’t contain it anymore. The floodgates had been opened, and right now she was suffocating from it all. This whole time, her pushing me away, being closed off, she was only doing it to protect me, and I needed to show her I didn’t need protecting.
I just needed her. No one else.
I took a hesitant step forward, then another until she stopped me.
“Please, go away.” She cried, but with a shake of my head, I closed the distance between us and yanked her into my arms. I enfolded her in a tight hug that had her gripping at my shirt, frantically reaching for any part of me to pull me in closer as she fell apart in my arms.
“Shh…shh.” I whispered gently into her ear. “It’s okay, Blue. I’m here. I got you.”
I couldn’t let her go. Not now, not ever.
With her face buried in my neck, she sobbed uncontrollably until she started to gasp for air. I held on tighter. Taking in every cry, every clawing nail at my back, I let her use me.
“Calm down, baby.” I snuck my hand under her hair and placed my palm across the nape of her neck. Slowly, I kneaded the muscle as my other arm tightened around her waist.
This didn’t change anything, not in the least. If anything, I needed her even more. She deserved to be loved, and I wanted to be the man to do it. No, I needed to be. Fuck her heart condition, fuck her trying to protect me. I knew what I wanted. I knew it then, and I knew it now. Nothing has changed. I’ll be damned if I let this woman slip through my fingers.
“Look at me, Blue.” I demanded.
Her cries had softened, but when she reluctantly pulled her face away from the crook of my neck, I saw just how devastated she was. Puffy red eyes stared at me in uncertainty, and for a moment, I found myself lost in her gaze. Even a crying mess, she was still so damn beautiful.
“Now, you listen to me, and you listen well. I don’t need you protecting me. I’m a grown-ass man, and although I know you had good intentions, pushing me away wasn’t going to get rid of me. At this point, nothing you could do or say would make me walk away from you.”
“But..”
“No buts, Blue.” I placed a finger over her mouth to silence her. “Fuck your heart condition, Wren. You’re mine, and nothing is going to get in the way of that.”
