Page 89 of Nodus Tollens
What?
“You want to read it?” I asked, not expecting that from him at all.
“Yeah, you read it. I’d like to read it, too.” He slowly set the book back on the desk and continued scouring my desk. All I could do was stare at him. Still floored that he wanted to read my book, I could feel my eyes begin to water. It felt silly, but how did I get so lucky? Why did I ever try to push this amazing, beautiful man away?
“Why?” I mumbled softly. “Why do you want to read it?”
He stopped what he was doing with a smile, but when his eyes caught my misty ones, he frowned.
“Why?” I asked again, trying to regain my composure but failing miserably. His arms were desperate to wrap around me, but he remained standing a few feet from me with a tortured expression.
“Why wouldn’t I read it, Blue? I want to know the words that helped you. I want to feel what you felt. I want to know everything about my girl and everything in her life that makes her happy.”
He took a step toward me, and I could practically feel my skin buzz with the need to touch him. To hold him.
“Maybe one day I can be just like these words for you. I can be your safety net, your comfort.”
God.
Could he not see that he already was? Hayes was everything. I loved this book and the words, but nothing compared to how he made me feel. If I had him, I didn’t need it anymore.
“Why do you have to be so perfect?” My voice crumbled on a half cry, half laugh as he closed the distance between us and wrapped me snugly in his hold.
“I’m perfect for you. That’s about it.” He spoke against the top of my head and tightened his arms around me like he never wanted to let go. My heart pounded with intensity.
It was ironic. My heart was my biggest nemesis. It forced me into a life of fear. A life of unknown, and yet it gave me the greatest treasure of all. It gave me hope. It gave me Hayes. Despite having a weak heart, it loved greater and more fiercely than any other out there. It knew these moments were precious and uncertain and that Hayes was endgame.
My forever. However long that was.
“Will you tell me what you struggled with?” His words came carefully and cautiously as if afraid it might anger or scare me. Instead, I felt relief.
I then took the opportunity to pull my face away from his chest to have this conversation face-to-face. I needed to look at him while I confessed everything.
“It didn’t take long for me to notice how different I was from the kids I went to school with. At recess, I wasn’t allowed to run or join in on games of tag or soccer. My parents told me my heart wouldn’t be able to ‘handle it.’ It made for a lot of boring summers.” I chuckled lightly, remembering all the time I spent drawing with chalk and watching as the neighborhood kids ran down the streets. To say I was envious at the time would be an understatement.
Hayes gave me a sad smile and a squeeze, urging me to continue.
“After about the hundredth appointment, I knew things weren’t normal. The older I got, the more I grasped the severity of my situation, and it took me a while to accept it. I was in a dark place. I wouldn’t eat, I wouldn’t socialize, I just felt… hopeless.”
“Baby…” Even with hurt and sorrow lining his beautiful features, I caught a glimpse of those dimples.
“For a long time, I just wanted to drop dead and get it over with.” I forced the horrible words out, even though they burned. “I was a terrified girl who knew she was going to die way before her friends. I cried every night. I fought with my parents because I was so angry.”
Closing my eyes, I felt fresh tears stream down my face and coat my cheeks. I felt so exposed, so open for the man who held my heart and soul in his hands.
“I was so angry, Hayes, and maybe I still am, but I made my peace with it. I made my peace with the fact that I’m dying.”
Despair.
Anguish.
Agonizing pain.
These were all the emotions I captured in the few seconds Hayes stared at me before yanking me close and lifting me by the backs of my thighs. He wanted me close.
“Blue… I…I’m so fucking sorry you had to go through that… Fuck, have to go through it.” His voice is now gravelly and pained as he rubs our tear-stained noses together. “I can’t… I can’t lose you, too.”
Peppering his face with kisses, his torment breaks me. It tears at my heartstrings and causes a cry to rip from my throat. Then, as I repeat his words in my head, I stop altogether and pull my mouth away from his face. Confusion strikes me.
