Page 126 of Aftersome
Confusion swept through me until finally, a flashback from last night had hit me.
“Move in with me.”
He had said it mid-thrust and looking back, I just thought it was a heat-of-the-moment comment. That he didn’t really mean it, but now as I sat here going over it in my head, I was beginning to think maybe he did mean it.
That he wanted me here for good.
My hand flew to my chest at the new revelation and I struggled to catch my breath. Guilt and every other awful emotion had swarmed my heart because deep down, there wasnothing else in the world I wanted more than to be with him always.
Even on his bad days, I wanted to be the one who pulled him out of the darkness, but I worried that my secrets might be too damaging. That once they were out in the open, he wouldn’t want me anymore.
The thought made me sick.
Throwing the note beside me, I quickly got out of the bed for a much-needed breath of fresh air. Finding my pants lying on the floor, I quickly picked them up and stepped into each pant leg. As much as I didn’t want to wear jeans right now, I didn’t have anything else to wear.
Unless…
Unless I went through Mal’s drawers to see what he had for cozy pants. The last thing I wanted to do was snoop around through his things, but I doubt I’d even find anything. So, with hesitant steps, I made my way over to his dresser where I slowly began to pull open the top drawer.
First thing I saw was neatly folded boxers and socks. Everything looked organized, but I should have guessed that it would be when I first saw his home. Mal was a clean freak.
Everything opposite of how he grew up.
Gently, I closed the drawer and opened the one below it. Immediately, my eyes caught onto what appeared to be a journal. Small, brown, and leather, it looked worn, like he had it for years. Curiosity got ahold of me and I grabbed it.
Everything told me not to do it, but my impulsiveness got the best of me.
My hand burned a hole through the leather as I held it out in front of me. Sweat began to build up above my brow and just as I was about to open it, I stopped.
What the fuck am I doing?
A sharp gasp flew past my lips and as if the journal was on fire, I tossed it back into the drawer. Disgust at what I was about to do plagued me. How I could so easily rummage through his personal things and almost read his private words.
My stomach churned violently and I instantly took off for the bathroom.
Couldn’t I just have one normal morning waking up at Mal’s? Or would I always find some sort of reason to feel guilty?
Once inside, I slammed the door closed behind me and laid both my palms onto the brim of the sink. I locked my fingers around the sides and leaned forward until my head was facing downward and my legs stretched out behind me.
My heart pulsated destructively while my breathing had turned labored.
I had a feeling it wasn’t just the journal I was upset about, but the aftermath of emotions that were beginning to arise after last night. Before Mal, Hayes was the last person I had been with and I thought it would remain that way forever.
And in some way, I felt as though by sleeping with Mal, I had officially erased Hayes. That I was no longer his anymore, and the thought terrified me.
Just because you found happiness with another, doesn’t mean that a piece of your heart won’t always belong to Hayes,my inner thoughts had told me, but I still couldn’t stop myself from letting a tear or two fall. I was so caught up in Mal and everything that has happened between us that I never fully accepted the fact that I was letting Hayes go.
But when I thought I could never possibly make room for another person in my life, I went and fell for his best friend.
The one person in the world who I never thought could make me feel this way.
And just when I thought that things couldn’t get any worse, they did. A soft knocking on the door caused my hands to slipfrom the sink and quickly brush away the tears that coated my cheeks.
“Doe? You in there?” Mal asked, his tone slightly panicky and off.
I smiled.
“Yeah, I’m in here.”
