Page 100 of Into These Eyes
Tension radiates off him and even though he refuses to look at me, I see a hard veneer glaze over his eyes. His father’s abandonment hurts him deeply.
“Will you ever forgive him?” I ask gently.
He taps the tablet screen. “Come on, I’m dying to see how cute you were as a kid.”
Unlike everything else he’s happy to talk through, his father is clearly off limits. So, I don’t push it. But I won’t forget about it either.
I tap on the first thumbnail, then pause it before it plays. “There’s a lot of footage. Just tell me when you get bored.”
He grins down at me, warmth flooding back into his eyes. “Settle in. Could be a late night.”
I let out an amused scoff and play the video of me, as a newborn, in Mum’s arms. It’s then I realise that resting the tablet on my lap doesn’t allow Gavin the best view.
“Here,” he says, taking hold of the side closest to him and moving it on his thigh where we can both see it better. “Well, there’s no need to ask if this is your mum. She’s beautiful. Or maybe it’s that ugly little scrunched up thing she’s holding that’s making her look so attractive.”
“Hey!” I jab him in the side with my elbow.
He chuckles, his hand suddenly on my shoulder, squeezing gently before disappearing to the back of the couch again.
Over the next few hours, we watch, with Gavin pausing the footage frequently to ask questions. He can’t get over how much I look like Mum, and how beautiful she was. When Mum’s laughter bubbles from the speakers, I gasp. It’s been so long since I’ve heard it, it’s almost like her ghost is whispering in my ear, reminding me of the loving, happy mother I lost.
I only wish I could reconcile that woman with the one who cheated on my father.
As the videos go on, showing me growing up, laughing with Dad as he puts me on his shoulders, or spins me around, or just cuddles me, I pause it too, telling Gavin where we were or what the occasion might have been. Somewhere in amongst all the pausing and unpausing, my hand drops away from the screen and rests on his thigh. His muscles tighten, but before I take my hand away, he relaxes again. So, I keep it there. After all, it’s much easier to reach the screen.
Soon, the footage shows me at fourteen, holding baby Anika protectively. Images roll forward of me trying to pass her to Dad and him stepping back, of me putting her on my shoulders after he’s refused. Another of Dad and I standing with Anika in front of the Kiama blowhole. When the blowhole erupts, Anika gets such a fright, she clings to Dad’s leg and cries. He quicklyextracts her and pushes her at me before marching toward the camera to take it from Mum.
“Your father,” Gavin says. “I don’t think I’ve seen a single video or image of him holding Anika. It’s always you.”
I’m surprised he noticed. I knew it then, and it became more obvious after Mum died. Even the affectionate hugs he used to give me stopped after Mum’s death. I always thought it was his way of protecting himself from further hurt—something I’d followed his lead on. But now I understand it was guilt holding him back. He didn’t deserve to hold and comfort me or Anika because he was the reason we needed comforting.
“He was always like that with Anika, but after Mum died, he disconnected even more. That’s why I stayed instead of moving out when I was ready. She needed a parent and our father was incapable.”
Gavin’s soft, caring eyes gaze into mine. “She’s lucky to have you.”
I scoff. “I doubt she sees it that way.”
“I think you’d be surprised. She might not verbalise it, but she’d have to be blind not to know that her sister has an incredible heart. I’m sure anyone you care for feels your love.”
The heart he’s just mentioned thuds hard against my breastbone. His sincerity tears something wide open inside me. He sees me. Sees behind those walls I’ve constructed. The walls he’s destroying with a sledgehammer.
I look away, blink rapidly and swallow over the excruciating lump in my throat. Before he can say anything that’ll tip me over that edge, I press play.
After much pausing, laughter and waves of sadness, we finally reach the end. Emotions flow through me like a whirlwind, but I’m so glad I watched it. With Mum’s funeral being so morbidly sad due to the circumstances of her death, I never thought to look at these memories as a celebration of her life.
It’s not until Gavin places the tablet on his other side that I realise I’m pressed right up against him. He feels solid, warm, and comforting. Too damn good. In this moment, I understand that it hasn’t just been one bad experience and too many responsibilities that have kept me from letting a man into my life. I simply haven’t met anyone who makes me feel this way. I’ve never had my heart jolt or my stomach flutter. I’ve never been hyper aware of every touch. I’ve never had an insatiable need to look into a man’s eyes.
Until he came along.
Every instinct tells me he feels it too, but I can’t stop that niggling little voice in my head that doesn’t trust my instincts. What if he’s only here because he feels obligated while he waits for his conviction to be overturned? What happens when he leaves?
The thought that I might soon lose him, sends a shrivelling pain through my chest. And I’ve had enough pain to last a lifetime.
“Hey,” he says with concern, “what’s wrong?” Dusting a thumb over my cheek, he brushes away a tear I was completely unaware I’d shed.
I don’t want to lie to him, but I’m not ready for that level of vulnerability yet. So, since I value his opinion, I reveal him another truth instead. “As much as Mum’s affair was a shock that I’ll never get answers to, my father has me torn in two. I just can’t wrap my head around him. That level of violence, of deception. I stood by him, I did everything I could for him because I always believed his grief was deeper than mine. How am I supposed to grieve for a man I never knew?”
Gavin places his hand on my shoulder, angling me toward him a little. “Maybe you can’t,” he says softly. “Maybe all you can do is grieve for the part of him youdidknow.”
