Page 110 of Into These Eyes
I nod, turn my attention back to the laptop, and hesitate. This video might hold answers. But it could also hold more devastation.
“Anytime it gets too hard,” Gavin says, “you can stop. Remember that.”
When he gently squeezes my hand, I find the strength to hit the spacebar.
My father’s eyes dart about the screen for a moment before he takes a deep breath.
“Jamie,”he says, looking straight at me,“if you’re watching this, I’m finally gone. And I’m glad.”He shifts on the stool, looks off to the side and shakes his head before he focuses on the camera again.“Damn this’s harder than I thought. Even though I’ve been over it a million times.”
Dropping his head in his hands, he fists his fingers in his hair for a long moment.
My heart thunders against my chest as I tighten my grip on Gavin’s hand. Hope flares through my entire body. If this is what I think it is …
Dad’s head jerks up, his face determined.
“Right. Gotta get this over with. I hope I got the chance to tell you the truth face-to-face, or this’ll be a shock. But, because I’m a coward, I’m recording it as a guarantee, in case I leave it too late. If I haven’t told you, Jamie, I’m sorry for what you’re about to hear. Either way, you'll have questions. Here are the answers, as I see them, anyway.
“I fell for your mother from the moment I saw her in primary school, but she didn't love me. Over time, we became best friends, but she never looked at me the way I wanted.
“Then, when we were sixteen, a new guy started at our school. He was a few years older than us, in his final year. Well, she fell madly in love with him, and of course, I was jealous. He stole all the looks I wanted from her. He stole all the kisses that should have been mine. When he was around, I didn’t exist. He was everything and I was nothing.
“And then something incredible happened. Six months after his arrival, he left. Apparently, he’d just found out his ex-girlfriend from his old school was about to have his baby.
“While your mother was devasted, I was thrilled. It brought her straight back to me. For almost a year I comforted her, supported her through the initial dark days, her sorrow, then her acceptance that he wasn't coming back. We grew closer than ever, but I knew her heart still belonged to him. Even though he broke her, she admired the fact that he took ownership of his responsibilities.”
He glances away from the camera for a moment, a look of shame clouding his expression as he stares at me again.
“So, when she finally gave in to me, I knew she’d also take ownership ofherresponsibilities.
“I sabotaged the birth control we were using and got her pregnant. I trapped her. I needed a guarantee that she wouldn't leave me.
“I’ll never regret what I did. She loved you so much, she forgot all abouthimand devoted herself to being the wife I wanted and the mother you needed. For thirteen years, we had the perfect family.
“Until they met again. Both of them married, both of them parents, both of them cheating liars.
“But like the fool I was, when it all fell apart again, I took her back. I believed her when she told me she made a mistake. I believed her promises that she’d never see him again. That she'd never leave me.
“I believed her for three years. Then I found a letter she’d written to you.
“And I snapped. She was seeing him again. And this time, he was free. And she was planning on leaving me. Leavingus, Jamie.
“I followed her for almost a month. She wasn't going to her girls' nights out anymore. She wasn't out shopping during the day or taking care of the house. She was meeting him. And planning.
“So, I started planning too. I learnt the routine of her deceit.
“If we couldn't have her, no one could.
“So, that last night, I knew where she was going. I sent you upstairs to give your sister a bath. I used the golf course to get to his house before she did. I knew I could kill her and be back home again without you even knowing I’d left the house.
“I stabbed Matilda Evans. I took her life in a fit of rage so great, I didn’t even care what happened to me. Of course, it wasn’t until after I got home and calmed down that I realised the fate you and your sister would face if I was caught.
“When Reid rang our doorbell, the horror of what I'd done to you almost destroyed me.
“You can imagine my relief when he said they had the killer in custody. It was too easy. All I had to do was let someone else take the blame to keep you girls safe.
“When I found out who that someone was—his son—I knew it was meant to be. It takes two to have an affair, to cheat on the ones who love you, to destroy them. So, I went along with it, knowing I was taking his son from him. Tit for tat. That’s how I justified it.
“It’s fucking shameful. And, Jamie, I never got away with it. It ate at me, gnawed at me, haunted me every waking moment and, when Icouldget to sleep, it turned my dreams into nightmares.
