Page 150 of Into These Eyes
Your father and I hadn’t had an intimate relationship in years, and neither had Lockie and his wife.
We’d both felt trapped with people we loved, but weren’t in love with. Yet when we found each other again, our hearts were set free.
There’s nothing like it, Jamie. From the bottom of my soul, I hope you find that kind of love. And that you can enjoy it for as long as possible. We lost so much time.
But the world can be a cruel place. I know, because it stung me again for the second time. Though I wonder, if the second time wasn’t karma.
Although we did the right thing for us, we were doing the wrong thing by the people we’d built lives with. We began an affair and started to plan how we would end it with our spouses so we could finally be together.
But like I said, life is cruel.
Because the day Lockie planned to tell his wife, was the day she was diagnosed with a terminal illness.
How could he leave her?
He knew he couldn’t. I knew he couldn’t. As much as it hurt, if he’d left her then, I’d have known he was no longer the man I thought he was. The man I love.
As vile as it may seem to others—to you—we promised each other that we’d eventually be together again. It was only a matter of time.
So, the wait began. But our carelessness had already led to more heartache, and joy.
I was pregnant.
And a terminal illness trumps pregnancy, right? Still, I had a part of Lockie growing inside me, and I couldn’t give that up for anything. And he couldn’t leave his dying wife.
So, the lie I’d been keeping from your father by omission had to be revealed. Like I said, we hadn’t been intimate in years. I had no choice.
I told him the truth, and I think it broke him. But I also think he loved me the way I loved Lockie. Because he forgave me. As long as I promised never to reveal who the baby’s father was, as long as I promised never to see Lockie again, he’d forgive me. We’d put it behind us and rebuild our future as a family.
And so, I lied to him again. I promised, knowing I would break that promise the moment the time was right. The moment Lockie was free.
I’m writing this now, before you get home from school. Before I lie to you both again. The girls’ nights out were real. For a little while. Then they became the nights Lockie and I would meet, and plan for the tearing apart of my family. For the death of his wife.
She’s been gone a month now and we feel the time is right.
Anika’s two. So little, so innocent. She needs her real father. She needs the love he can give her. As much as he’s tried, your father can’t forget the truth of who she is, what she represents. I know you’ve noticed how disengaged he is with her. Now you know why. At least, if nothing else, you can now make sense of that.
I truly hope you never see this letter. I hope you understand and forgive me the moment I tell you I’m divorcing your father to be with the love of my life. The love that feels like I’ve waited for forever. I may not deserve it. But I’m taking it. Life is short.
But I know you too well, my daughter. I know you’ll be angry. I know you’ll say you hate me for destroying our family. I knowyou’ll say I’m selfish. I know you’ll say you never want to see me again.
All I can hope is that life shows you something close to what I feel for the man I believe I’m destined to be with, even if the universe kept saying otherwise. Maybe you’re still too young, but you’re an adult now. And adults leave childish resentment behind and open their hearts to forgiveness.
I will always be your mother, no matter what you decide. So why not let me be part of your life?
I love you, Jamie. Please forgive me. Please open your heart for me.
Love,
Mum.
I’m almost deafened by the pulse thumping in my ears as I put down the pages. Then I lift my eyes to the two women waiting with bated breath. One, the woman I love, the other … my sister.
From the overwhelming mindfuck crashing around in my brain, two thoughts rise above it all.
Anika’s my sister.
Anika’s Jamie’s sister.
