Page 165 of Into These Eyes
I know he’s watching me, but I can’t find it in myself to look back. I understand all too well what my words must mean to him. I know what they meant to Jamie, and they both loved Matilda.
“Fuck,” I hear him mumble, then sniff, and I know that if I look at him, I’ll lose it. As he tries to get control of himself, I remain stuck in tough-guy, closed-off mode.
“Anika told me,” he begins in a voice heavy with emotion, “it’s not too late to start a relationship with her.Better late than never, she said. I agree. But I’d love to know what your thoughts are on that.”
I’m not ready. I don’t know if I ever will be, so I deflect. “Yeah, she’s right. For thirty odd years I didn’t have a sister. Now I’ve got one for the rest of my life.”
He doesn’t pressure me, and I don’t glance at him to see if he’s disappointed in my answer. Looking might mean I care.
When the silence descends again, I realise he’s initiated every conversation. Maybe that’s for the best. I’m not sure what horror show might come out of my mouth if I go first.
“Can’t take your eyes off her, can you, Son?”
I tense at his use of that word. He has no right to use it when addressing me. Grinding my teeth, I hold back the anger pushing its way up my throat. “Nope.”
“It’s obvious you love her.”
“Yeah, I love her. I love her so much it fucking hurts.” Jesus, of all people, why am I telling him?
“Then you understand?”
The hairs on my scalp prickle.Fuck. He has me there. If something happened to Jamie, I’d lose my mind.
“But you stayed with Mum.” I curse myself the moment the words are out of my mouth. In a way, that statement feels like I’m giving him the respect Jamie’s mother gave him. And I really don’t want to.
“Obligation overrode love. My heart still aches for every moment I wasn’t with Matilda. But I’ll never regret being there for your mother. I’ll never regret being your father, Gavin. I can’t imagine a life where I wasn’t there for every moment of your childhood. Of course, I always thought I’d eventually be with Mattie, that it was just a matter of time. But that time was stolen. And I ended up losing you both.”
We’re silent again. He’s waiting for a response, but I simply don’t have one. Yes, his time with the woman he loved was stolen, but the time he could have spent being my father wasn’t. He threw that away.
“I’m so glad you’re able to love deeply … after what you’ve been through.”
“Yeah,” I admit.
“So, imagine being told I killed Jamie. That there’s irrefutable proof. Imagine I took her from you. Forever.”
Anger buzzes right beneath the surface my skin.How fuckingdarehe?
I rise, crushing the empty Coke can and slam it into the bin a few feet away. Then I turn and finally look him dead in the eye. “Except Ididn’tkill anyone. And you never bothered to ask.”
Utter shame stares back at me, but he doesn’t look away, doesn’t hide from me.
So I don’t hide from him. I let him see my rage, see how much I despise him for abandoning me, for believing the boy he raised was killer.
Then, before I do something stupid, I walk away.
Halfway to Jamie’s car, I realise she has the keys. For a second, I think I’ll just keep walking, but the blood flying through my veins, the hurt surging through my heart, has other ideas.
I turn back.
He’s standing beside the park bench, staring at me, tears spilling down his fucking cheeks. I stalk toward him, every muscle in my body coiled tight, ready to release what I’ve kept locked inside. If it didn’t mean going back to prison, if it didn’t mean hurting Jamie, I’d beat him to a fucking pulp.
But sometimes, words hurt more.
I march right up to him, slam my palms into his chest and shove. “I fucking hate you!”
The idiot doesn’t flinch. He steps right back into my space. I shove him again. “I hate you!”
He nods, steps toward me again. “I can’t hear you, Son.”
