Page 49 of Into These Eyes
“No! You don’t get it. Forty fuckin’ years is a lot different than sixteen. I just wanna go back. Ta what I know. Ta where I’m comfortable. Killin’ that prick Reid’s my ticket to what I want. I helped ya survive inside, now it’s your fuckin’ turn ta help me. We made a deal.”
He’s right. If it hadn’t been for our chance pairing in a cell, I know I wouldn’t have survived. Benny was my rock. My teacher. My fuckingfather. I wouldn’t be sitting here now if it wasn’t for him. And we both know it.
In his eyes, what he’s asking for isn’t unreasonable. The plan was to get Benny sent back to prison after his release. But he can’t just commit some victimless crime. Unlike me, he isn’t out on parole. He’s out because he’s served his time, which only leaves one option. He has to commit a major crime to end up in supermax again. His home. But like me, Benny’s not a cold-blooded killer. He’d just been unlucky. Twice. He hadn’t meant to kill anyone. After years of listening to me rant about my conviction being Reid’s fault, Benny had come up with what he thought was a fool-proof idea. We’d find a way for me to get my revenge and kill Reid, then we’d make it look like Benny did it. He’d go straight back to supermax, and I’d continue to try to build a life on the outside. But for me, it was pure fantasy, a way to let off steam. I’d played along, never believing he’d actually want to go through with it. That fact hadn’t sunk in until a few days ago, when he showed me the gun he’d managed get hold of.I’ve been wracking my brain ever since, trying figure out how to convince him that it’s not so bad out here.
But unlike Benny, I have hope.
Maybe, that’s all he needs too.
“You’ve only been out for a few weeks. I’m not about to stop helping you acclimatise.”
“A-fuckin-climatise? Is that what we’re talkin’ about? Not loyalty, not promises?” He finally takes a seat across from me, runs a hand through his hair, then pounds it down on the table. “Ya remember how my loyalty served you, right?”
“I remember. But there’s something else we need to consider.” I have no idea what he’ll do if I tell him I outright lied. And I sure as hell don’t want to lose him.
His eyes flash with anger. “What?”
“Change. Life is change, Benny. And wanting what’s best for those you care about, for those you’re loyal to. Sometimes, others can see what’s best for us, even when we can’t.”
“Psycho-fuckin’-analysis-bullshit, is what that is.”
“You don’t want me to have a life? You’d rather I rot out here or rot in prison?”
He glares at me. “That’s not fair.”
“We both know life isn’t fair.” I sigh heavily, the guilt of owing him so much weighing me down. “I want to see if it’s even possible for her to clear my name. Maybe she can’t. I don’t know. But I want to find out. And to do that, I’ll need time.”
“And I just need tadotime. It’s who I am.”
He’s right and he’s wrong. If he wasn’t so damn stubborn, he’d see that and give this new world he finds himself in a chance.
“The moment I stepped foot in this caravan, all I wanted was to be back inside. Which was nuts after wanting to be free, but there it was. That feeling of being an outcast was almost crippling. All I can give you is experience, Benny. Andexperience has taught me that, just like being hurled into prison, you can get used to it out here, too.”
He leans back and crosses his arms.
“I’ll help you, Benny. You know I will.”
“Six months,” he says.
“Six months what?”
“That’s what I’m givin’ it. Just like you. Six months. If I don’t feel any different by then, we go back ta the plan.”
“You could take out someone else,” I joke.
Unfortunately, Benny doesn’t catch onto my humorous tone. “I’d never hurt anyone who doesn’t deserve it. Ya know that.”
“Yeah, I do. That’s why I was joking.”
“Not funny,” he grumbles, then holds his hand out across the table. “Deal?”
“Deal,” I lie again, and shake, hoping like hell he won’t even remember this conversation in six months.
After he takes a long sip of his cooling coffee, he looks me in the eye. “I’m happy for ya, Gav. Hope she can do what she’s promised.”
I give him a nod, not quite sure whether to believe him or not.
Reaching into his back pocket, he pulls out a phone and places it on the table. “They gave me this useless thing when I got out. Only decided ta give it a try last night. Can’t even turn the fucker on. I’ve pressed all the buttons and nothin’ happens.”
