Page 95 of Into These Eyes
“So, you can see why I avoided anything that’d make it even harder.”
I shouldn’t ask. It’s definitely none of my business. “So, you’ve never …”
To my surprise, instead of telling me to fuck off, she shrugs. “Once. When I was seventeen, just after the trial. I think I was trying to escape the suffocating sorrow and hatred that constantly consumed me. I wanted to go somewhere else …besomeone else. Even if only for a moment. And itwasjust a moment. I was young and naïve, and so was he. It wasn’t good … wasn’t anything I had any desire to repeat.”
My heart cracks open, amazed she’s revealed something so intensely personal, and stunned by her bravery in doing so.
But that’s not all, is it? My skin prickles as the thought takes hold. What are the chances we’d be sitting here now, both of us untouched for the same amount of time? Because of our parents’actions. I don’t believe in destiny or fate, but this feels a hell of a lot like we’ve been waiting for each other without ever knowing it.
Until now.
I clear my throat, remembering she’d said she had no desire to repeat what hadn’t been good for her all that time ago. “And now? How do you feel about it now?”
“Like I said, I don’t give it any thought. So, you see. Iampathetic.”
I squeeze her hand. “Now you’re insulting me. If you’re pathetic, then I am too.”
That gets a tiny smile out of her. “I seriously doubt that.”
Heat rushes to my face, but I want her to know. “I haven’t had sex since I was a teenager either.” I don’t care if she thinks I’m a loser. If it makes her feel better, I’m happy to be the biggest loser on the planet. And I hope she sees my confession as another bond between us.
She frowns, her eyes darting rapidly between mine. “But, that guy, at the caravan park. He said … it seemed like maybe you’d had women there.”
“That’s not who I am, Jamie. One thing about prison, it has a brutal way of teaching you who you are. I know what I want, know what my values are. So, if it makes me a loser for not wanting to pay a woman just to use her body, then I have no problem being a loser. But I don’t think it does. And I don’t think you are either.”
Rolling her lips between her teeth, her hand slips from beneath mine. I think I’ve totally fucked up, made a complete and utter fool of myself. Until she covers my hand with hers, reversing their position.
“Thank you,” she says softly as she squeezes my hand. “But what about … dating?”
I guess I walked right into that one. Not that it matters. We both have similar excuses. “What do I have to offer anyone? I’m not an attractive package. An ex-con convicted for murder, living in a caravan. What sort of woman wants to get involved with that?”
“One with understanding and depth,” she quotes my earlier response. Her eyes search mine for a moment, and as light shimmers brighter on their surface, she quickly retracts her hand. “I’d better get some work done.” Swivelling away, she takes a seat at the dining table and wakes up her laptop.
As I stack the dishwasher, I now know why she wasn’t shocked by my reaction when she made contact with my bare skin. Just like me, she hasn’t experienced anyone’s touch or love in all that time either. She completely understands.
By the time I hear her say goodnight, she’s gone. Her files are still spread out over the dining table, but the laptop’s closed. I’m not sure why she’s abandoned her work so early, but I notice that reading device of hers is missing from the breakfast bar where she’d left it.
I smile to myself, knowing she thinks about sex and love and relationships a lot more than she lets on.
Chapter 29
Jamie
What the hell possessed me to tell him that? Every time I’m around him, the parts of myself I’ve kept hidden come out. There’s so much energy between us, I don’t know what to do with it, so I end up doing and saying things I shouldn’t.
Like teasing him with that peach. I hadn’t planned to. I’d just had an urge to have fun. When I’m with him, it comes bubbling up and I don’t want to push it down. Besides, it’s not just aboutmehaving fun. I want to make him happy. I want to see that beautiful, knee-weakening smile on his lips, in his eyes.
Then, when he started pressing me about dating and men, my walls flew back up. Until I understood he wasn’t trying to humiliate me. He was genuinely curious, the way I was curious about him. He’s seen me at my worst, and it hasn’t made him run away. If anything, it’s drawn him closer. So I’d told him the ugly truth, and he told me. Leaving me stunned, and relieved. I’d suspected as much after his obvious reactions, even though that creep in the caravan park had placed doubt in my mind. But Gavin Lake is exactly who he appears to be. A decent, genuine human being.
And then there’s his insistence that I’m beautiful. No.Gorgeous.
After I change out of my clothes and slip into my pyjamas—one of seven identical sets—I let down my hair and step in front of the mirror. And try to see what he sees.
When was the last time I looked at myself closely? I only bother a cursory glance to make sure I look presentable for work before walking out the door. I don’t worry about the attractiveness of my appearance. Why would I? That’s not what my life’s been about. It’s been about raising a little girl, then a teen, and it’s been about supporting my father, studying, then building a career.
Even when Jarrod asked me on that date, I hadn’t tried to do anything different with myself. He already knew who I was.
So why do I feel differently now?
