Page 145 of Cerulean Truth
Yet, she displayed such ungratefulness. Where the hell did she even come off talking to me like that? After all the time and energy I’d invested in her? Seriously?
Marco and I were fighting again. It had been months since our last one. I tried not to feel anything anymore. No sadness, no anger, no fear, no loneliness… the last one was the hardest. But it had worked so far, trying not to care. But now, Marco was saying all these things, and they hurt. So I wanted to hurt him back.
“You think your momma is coming to save you? Your momma left you here because she didn’t want you. You screwed it up, you’re such a screw up even she didn’t want you! And now you’re here screwing everything up again!”
No no no, I hated him so much. I hit him, and again, and again. I kept hitting him. Until something strange happened,something warm came over me and next I knew, he was lying on the floor bleeding and around me suddenly at least a hundred mirrors popped up.
Godsdammit Emma, I cursed her to the end of the world. Her fucking outbursts were catapulting me back to my so carefully forgotten past, all my pent-up anger, frustration, sadness and every other dark emotion from back then, came rushing back, just becauseshecouldn’t contain hers!
And I was so done with it. With her. I decided then and there to end our “relationship” or whatever it was. I was done. She would have to find someone else to train her.
And then she had to go and have a fucking panic attack!
Fuck.
When I entered my dorm, I didn’t even bother with translation. I hurled everything within reach across the room, nearly punching a hole through the wall in my frustration and sense of injustice.
After calming down and realizing I had almost demolished my entire room, I changed into running gear to go clear my head. Right as I was about to leave, a soft knock echoed at my door. A tear-streaked face—beautiful, despite the tears—and a trembling little figure entered my room.
All the anger and rage dissipated at the sight of her. Though still hurt, witnessing her so fragile and vulnerable, standing tentatively in my doorway, shifted my entire emotional state.
All I wanted to do was hold her in my arms, comfort her. Again.
Recognizing the shift in my emotions, it dawned on me it wasn't the first time such a transformation had occurred. In fact, reflecting on it, this dynamic seemed to define our relationship. She would act insufferably, only to become so vulnerable, any justifiable anger on my part would retreat like a Skindo after a fight.
Realizing this, fury surged within me once again. Godsdammit, who did she think she was, behaving like that? Practically manipulating me? My rage spiraled out of control. Twenty-one years of carefully keeping my anger right below the surface, and she effortlessly punched holes in the protective layer. I began to question if I ever truly had control over them.
She must’ve seen or even sensed the changes in my demeanor because hers shifted as well.
“I wanted to come and apologize,” she said, holding out her hand as if she were begging.
“Don’t bother,” I spat at her. The anger had resurfaced, and it felt too good to have the upper hand for once. Her bottom lip started trembling, her pink upper lip glistening from the tears that had landed on it. Gods, how was it possible to be so furious with her and still want her at the same time? I never knew whether to throw her against a wall and kiss her or throw her out the window—figuratively speaking. Mostly.
“James, let me explain... I was...” she started, her voice unsteady, but I interrupted her. There was no way I was hearing her out after an outburst like that.
“Emma, I don’t care! Just shut up and get the hell out. I don’t want to know!” I shouted. I didn’t want to feel anymore. I only wanted her to go away and take all the feelings with her.
“I’m sorry, James, please! I know you’re angry at me for blowing up at you, and you’re right, I shouldn’t have said what I said but…it’s only… I thought you cared…you know, but then last night…and then this morning …”
By her third sentence she wasn’t even rambling anymore, they were just words. I tapped my foot impatiently. She needed to leave. I didn’t want to cave and I knew I would if she stayed much longer.
“It’s just, in all those books, movies, stories, whatever, all those superheroes, wizards, vampires… they all have one thingin common: they all felt out of place in the human world and finally found their home amongst peers, embracing their powers. But with me, it’s exactly the opposite! I was thriving in my world, I was happy! I had a happy home and a bright future ahead of me and here… I’m no more than a constant failure and it aggravates me! It’s so frustrating!” She uttered a small sob .
I clenched my jaw. “Maybe if you weren’t so wrapped up in your own self-pity, there would be room for some other emotion to seep through, and we could actually get some work done.”
Her eyes widened. “Shut up!” she yelled, going from sad to hellcat in under two seconds.
“Youalwaystalk about my self-pity, well,what about yours? You think it’s strange you react this intensely, every time I talk about my background? You don’t think it’s because you feel so sorry for yourself? You can’t even process the fact I had a good life outside of Cyclos! You literally can’t haveonefight with me, without accusing me of victimizing myself. It’s so obvious you’re projecting, and I don’t mean that in the magical sense!”
She was out of breath, her eyes were shooting fireballs at me, and her entire composure reminded me of a lion in the wilderness, ready to pound on some innocent prey.
She was right. Of course she was right, She irritated the crap out of me because she reminded me most of my own weakness. But I was in no place to recognize her side of it, so I fuckingroaredat her.
“Who the hell are you to makeanyassumptions about my background? You don’t know shit about me. You might think that you do, but you don’t. What, just because we spent some time together, you think youknowme? You think yougetme?” I snorted derogatorily. “Newsflash baby: time to get over yourself, you’re really not that special.”
I paused, hesitating for a second about the next sentence that was about to come out, but she was still glaring and I….
“You’re nothing but a pathetic bundle of disappointing attempts at being someone you’re clearly not cut out to be.”
