Page 91 of Cerulean Truth
"Emma, what's going on?" His tone was sharp, cutting through the haze of my thoughts like a knife. "You're not even trying."
I flinched at the accusation, his disappointment pressing down on me like a physical force. But try as I might, I couldn't seem to find the words to explain, couldn't articulate the tangled mess of thoughts churning within me.
"I'm sorry," I murmured, my voice barely above a whisper. "I just... I can't."
James's expression softened slightly, his frustration giving way to something akin to concern. "Emma, you can't keep shutting yourself off like this. It's not healthy."
I wanted to tell him that I had no choice, that the alternative was to drown in a sea of memories too painful to bear. But the words caught in my throat, strangled by the weight of my own silence.
With a sigh, James ran a hand through his hair, the frustration still evident in the lines etched across his brow. "Fine. Let’s retry tomorrow." As I met his gaze, I saw something flicker behind his eyes, maybe a glimmer of understanding amidst the frustration?
I nodded, relieved I’d bought myself twenty-four hours of rest.
The next morning,we skipped physical training all together and dove straight into translation.
By noon, I’d been trying for hours to summon the smallest of emotions but that wall I’d erected around them stayed firmly in place.
Whenever I needed a breather from the intense training, I found that throwing a few magi questions at James, was the perfect distraction.
“Can you read minds?” I asked him.
“No,” he replied dryly, “now focus.”
“Can anyone?” I asked anyway.
He sighed (slightly) annoyed. “Well…no, not exactly, but some magi have formed the True Bond.”
He knew I was procrastinating, but I also knew he would feel compelled to answer any question I had about our “lifestyle.”
“True Bond? What is that?” I asked, not really caring, only being happy to have found yet another magi subject to explore instead of (not) translating.
He sighed again (little more annoyed). “The True Bond is a form of complete telepathy; it’s the sharing of each other’s translation, but on a mental level.”
“I don’t understand.” I frowned.
James tapped his foot impatiently. “It’s when two magi choose each other and decide together to form a bond of the mind in which they share everything. It’s a definitive form of telepathy. Every thought, every translation, every emotion is shared. It’s the highest form of trust and the closest thing we have to a marriage. But there’s no ‘divorce’ possible, the True Bond is for life,” he explained.
I pondered this.
“So, couples have to decide to it together? What if only one of them wants to bond, can the other one force it?” I wondered.
James looked disgusted at my suggestion. “Well yes, theoretically one could ‘force’ it, but it would take a sick mind to do so. It would be like ‘mind rape’ and I have no knowledge of it ever happening. Now, will you stop deflecting with inane questions, and summon a godsdamn emotion so we can get back at today’s training?”
I sighed disappointedly. My attempt to stall some more hadn’t worked.
“Just summon any emotion, Emma, get angry, or frustrated, or whatever works,” he said visibly irritated.
“Iamangry and frustrated!” I replied, my voice strained with impatience. “It doesn’t work! At all! You suck as a teacher.”
It wasn’t very kind. Nor was it true. But whenever I felt like a complete idiot, which was practically all the time, I took it out on him. He was my teacher, my emotional punching bag, and the most challenging guy I’d ever met—his undeniable physical appeal notwithstanding.
He rolled his eyes, ignoring my outburst. But I had it with training for the day and like a petulant child, I tried to leave, while glaring at the man who made me feel inferior on a daily basis. I knew all he wanted to do was help me, I knew so on a rational level. But emotionally, I hated him for making me feel so inadequate.
“Emma, don’t be childish, get back here and do the fucking work! You can’t give up every time it gets hard, your emotions are closer to the surface than they have ever been. If you give up now, you could lose control!”
Did he just call me childish?
“So what?” I said through my teeth, trying to contain my anger. “It’s not like it would change anything, would it?”
