Page 95 of Cerulean Truth
I took a deep breath. “I took a life from someone deserving.”
Jackson went completely still. His eyes, full of worry, didn’t blink and even his hair seemed to have frozen.
“As ordered by the Council?” he asked breathlessly.
I shook my head once.
“Jesus fuck. James, what the hell.”
I shrugged. “It had to be done.”
“No.” He shook his head. “You’re not getting away with it that easily, you tell me what happened and you tell me now.”
I dragged my hand down my face a little and rested my elbows on my knees, trying to grasp what exactly had happened.
“I can’t tell you much without putting you in a compromising position with the Council. Let’s just say, I had to do something and it tugged at my rage. I tried not to, but in the end, I couldn’t remember why the guy was allowed to live. So I unalived him.”
Jackson stared at me, his expression a mix of shock and disbelief.
“You blacked out again?” he asked, referring to my rage-hazes as a kid.
I shook my head. “No. I was very much aware of the control I had. I decided to let it out. I remember every fucking second of it and I don’t regret it. It wasn’t a burst of energy, emerging because of a lack of control.” I paused. “It wasmychoice.Iwas in control.”
Jackson snorted. “You carried out an unsanctioned kill and you’re telling me you’re in control? Are you hearing yourself James? You are definitely not calling the shots, your anger is! And it’s not the first time either, I’ve seen you lose it a few times now.”
"Itisunder control," I hissed, clenching my fists under the table.
Jackson shook his head. "You’ve got to be kidding me. Have you seen yourself since Emma's arrival? It's like those first years in Cyclos all over again. You can barely contain your rage. It's pouring out of you like sweat after a godsdamn day’s training!"
I scoffed. "You're exaggerating."
"No, I'm not. You need to deal with whatever is bringing out your darkness before we all die at your fucking hands. You're a godsdamn walking fire hazard."
"You doubt my word?" I narrowed my eyes.
"No, I doubt your control."
I fell silent. I couldn't quite argue with his beliefs, considering I had just returned from severing someone's head not half an hour ago.
"Did you tell the Council about these 'doubts'?" I asked.
Jackson snorted. "Are you insane? Of course not. But you need to get a grip... What the hell is going on between you and Emma that's pulling out this side of you?"
I hesitated. I couldn't tell him everything—I'd be in breach of a massive confidentiality. But I could give him some information. After all, I trusted the guy with my life.
And so I did. I didn't tell him about her translation being untraceable, but I did tell him about her struggles to translate without the fear of death. Then I opened up about our recurring conflicts.
"I don't know why... We keep fighting over and over again." I sighed.
"Maybe you guys are too similar? Opposites attract, but you two are two alphas in the same room. Both so fearful to fail, all other aspects of life get thrown out the window. I love you, man, but your priorities in life are messed up. Wanting to be the best is fine but wanting it above all else is fucked up," he said, shrugging.
"It's not normal, her not translating anything else than a fear of death. I don't understand it; why is she so blocked?"
"Maybe she's blocking something out," he suggested.
I hadn't considered that yet. "What, like an underlying trauma of some kind?"
"Maybe... She’s been through a lot lately. With the uprooting of her life, her failing regularly… Plus, you don't know what might have happened to her during those twenty-three years on the outside."
