Page 21 of Choosing Her
“Why don’t you?” I responded immediately. He’d agreed readily when I told him my stipulation, but he also hadn’t seemed very concerned about her finding out. I thought it was obvious that if Naomi found out, it would be game over for us. She wouldn’t even ask why we were doing it or try to understood. She would kill first and ask questions later.
And even if she did ask first, I wasn’t sure if she would have understood anyway. Even though our parents meddled in her life too, it wasn’t the same pressure for her. Naomi was everything they wanted her to be. She was the golden child, while I was just the younger sister who didn’t exist to them, except when someone asked about their second daughter. I wondered if it ever occurred to Naomi that it happened. Did she know what it was like to be the forgotten one? Had she everwondered why they only sent her postcards, instead of me? Did she wonder why it was that they picked my classes for me, while they listened to her opinions—on her classes, on her major for university, on what she wanted to do with her life as a whole?
Naomi got everything she wanted, while I was left dealing with the scraps of her leftovers. Including, apparently, her ex-boyfriends.
“I don’t think she would be that upset, Crossy said. “And what could she do to me, anyway?”
“It’s not about what she would do toyou. It’s about what she could do to me—because, newsflash, I’m the one she still has in her life.”
“Ouch.”
I rolled my eyes. “Don't act like you actually care. You were probably thrilled when she finally broke up with you, weren't you?”
“You have a very low perception of me, don't you?” He glanced away as he murmured, “I loved Naomi.”
The words were just as much of a punch to the gut now as they were when he’d said them in the summer. The way he’d pulled me aside at the pool and whispered, “We need to just forget about what happened between us. I love Naomi now.”
That was the moment I knew Naomi had won. She’d won, when she didn’t even realize that there was competition going on at all. How was that fair? How was it that I was always one step behind her in every way in life? Even when I’d found the perfect boy first, she had somehow gotten him—and ruined any chance for me to be with him, even when she then cast him aside.
“It doesn’t matter anyway,” I said. “She’s my sister and I make the rules. You agreed to this when I said I would tutor you. If you don’t want to agree to that anymore, then I’d be more than happy to cut it off now.”
“More than happy, huh?” Crossy asked, his voice flat. “You really don’t like me, do you?”
We’d been sitting next to each other in class for three weeks now and he was only picking up on that now? Maybe I hadn’t been as rude to him as I thought.
“Why would I like you?” I asked honestly. The genuine shocked that crossed his face at the question surprised. How could he not have seen it coming? After the way he treated me in the summer—casting me aside like I meant nothing to him—there was no way I would like him. He had to understand that I hated him with all my being. That if I had my way, we never would have seen each other again. And that if these were any other circumstances, I would have stuck to my initial hardnoto tutoring him.
“I don’t know,” Crossy said softly. He rubbed a hand on the back of his neck and looked out the window, facing the indoor arena. “I mean, at New Year’s Eve…”
Even though he wasn’t looking at me, I turned away from him, unable to look at him at all anymore. Maybe, just a little, because I didn’t want him to see the tears that were springing up in my eyes. He had no idea how much I wished I could go back to that night. If I ever found a time machine, I would go back there—not even to change it necessarily, but to relive it again. To bask in the happiness of that moment, without any fears of what would come next.
“New Year’s Eve was different,” I said softly. Because it was. He was a different person then, and I was too. How could we compare what was going on between us now to that night? “It was after it that everything changed.”
He took in a big breath, like he was planning to say something. But I beat him to it, not wanting to dwell on this any longer. “Get your textbook out. I have some practice problems for you to do. We’ll go over Unit Four today.”
As he came over the corner to grab stuff from his bag, I went the long way around the coffee table and looked out the window he’d been standing by, trying to keep some level of distance between us. I watched the three girls on horses down in the indoor arena, as their trainer called out what to do. I wished I was down there. I wished I was anywhere but here.
I didn’t turn around again until I heard Crossy clear his throat. When I did, I saw him sitting on the floor with his textbook open on the coffee table, eyes expectant. I knew I should go sit next to him to start walking him through stuff, but I stayed where I was as I told him what page to turn to. I would do the best I could as his tutor, but I refused to let myself pull down any of the barriers between us, there to protect myself from him hurting me a second time. I was too scared that if I did, I wouldn’t know how to put them back up again.
CHAPTER 14
crossy
NEW YEAR’SEVE - 10PM
“You don’t have four sisters.” The words were flat and uninterested, like she genuinely thought I would make up such a stupid fact about myself.
“I don’t?” I asked. “Well, jeez, I better go break that news to my mom.”
Her mouth twitched again, that tiny little movement that couldn’t be called a smile but was also enough to tell me that she was interested, even if she didn’t want to show it.
“What are their names?” She challenged.
“I thought we weren’t talking about our families.”
“We’re not making small talk.” She poked my leg with her foot like she was rebuking me. “But if your family is interesting, you’re more than welcome to share.”
I laughed and let my head fall back against the wall behind me. I’d only brought up my sisters as a way of telling her that I was visiting my cousins along with one of them, while the other three were still home in Canada. If I’d known she’d be curious about it, I wasn’t sure I would have. Everything about my family was my classic fun fact about myself for icebreakers, so I was used to talking about it all the time, and I’d been enjoyingtalking about other stuff with her. When I looked at my watch and realized it had been over an hour and a half since I came stumbling into this laundry room, I hadn’t believed my eyes. Maybe I should just take it as a good sign that it took us that long to get to the topic of our families.
