Page 45 of Choosing Her
Where are you? Why can’t I find you?
Crossy
He was looking for me. All this time, I thought he’d chosen not to call, but he was looking for me. Why?
Dear Saylor,
Well, I know who you are now.
I’ve spent six months dreaming of this day and now that it’s here, I wish I could undo it.
How did I find your sister instead of you?
I know that I’ll never be able to make this up to you. I saw it on your face today when you opened the door. You looked so heartbroken that I wanted to apologize rightthen and there, but what could I say? How could I tell Naomi the truth?
I’m so sorry, Saylor. I’m sorry I never called. I’m sorry I never found you. Most of all, I’m sorry I stopped looking.
I’ll try to fix this. I promise.
Crossy
The letter was dated the same day he’d shown up at my house for the first time. Somehow, it never even occurred to me that he hadn’t known I was Naomi’s sister when he started dating her. He’d seemed so calm and collected that day that I just assumed.
Dear Saylor,
Everything I do seems to make it worse. I thought telling you that we should forget about what happened between us would relieve you. I thought it would make you feel like you didn’t need to avoid me anymore.
Instead you pushed me in the pool. And honestly I deserved it.
Have I said I’m sorry yet? Because I am. I really, really am.
***
Dear Saylor,
Naomi broke up with me today and honestly, it felt like a relief. Not because I didn’t like her but because it was torture to have to be near you.
I hate that I know we can never be together now because I think you were always the one I was supposed to end up with.
***
Dear Saylor,
I sat next to you in english class today and I honestly thought you were going to stab out my eye with a pencil.
Do you really hate me that much?
I guess I can’t blame you--if I was you, I’d hate me too.
But I hope you know that I never stopped loving you.
***
Dear Saylor,
I thought I knew pain before this but nothing hurts more than spending so much time with you and knowing you’ll never be mine.
I love you. I’ve always loved you. I will never stop loving you. Just thought you should know.
