Page 18 of Daughter of the Dark Sun
Apattar wished she could always feel Ninann’s touch, arms wrapped around her like a cocoon of safety from the outside world. She felt adrift, clinging to her sister like a beacon of hope. If her achingly perfect sister could find a scrap of something worth loving in the girl deemed a black omen, then perhaps their father could too. Perhaps his mind would clear. He would see the Shadow-weave could not be purged, his actions slowly killing his daughter instead of saving her.
“I want him to see me! Not whatever black abomination he has painted in his mind.” The words caught on the growing lump in Apattar’s throat. She swallowed, trying to focus on the comforting warmth of her sister’s presence. “I wish he could see what he has done to me. I’m not you, but I’m not evil!”
“Shh, shh. Hush now, my black dove,” Ninann whispered, warm breath tickling Apattar’s neck. “I love you as you are; weboth burn brighter as two.Soerl. We are a gift from the gods to each other. Do you not remember your own words? Papa fears your fate, but I do not think he hates you. He fears you are, well…”
“I’m what?” The words flew out of Apattar’s mouth as she jerked away from Ninann’s embrace. “I’m cursed? Destined to go mad or end the world? I am not, I will not! I refuse this future! The stars did not write my life. The gods died eons ago! They ruined the world and abandoned us. Why would they curse me and bless you? We are the same!” The words tumbled from her mouth, rage unbridled, Apattar too exhausted to temper her feelings for Ninann’s sake.
Ninann sat bathed in the gentle golden rays of the young day. Deep red-brown arms—soft and doughy from a life of luxury—sparkled as dew droplets condensed on her skin. Long wavy locks of black hair glowed with an amber hue at the edges. She somehow looked even more radiant in the sun.
Apattar hated seeing those bright green eyes clouded with even a hint of pain. For all the hurt and abuse Apattar had received from their father, she could not find anything but love in her dying heart for her devoted sister. A goddess in living form.
She’s too perfect to even understand what I’ve done, isn’t she? But I can’t go back now. Father made sure of my fate.
“I don’t know how to forgive him for what he has done, Ninann.” The words clung in Apattar’s throat. “And if I can’t forgive him, this rage will only fester until one day you are not here, but he is. You do not know what lurks beneath the surface, the things my mind tells me to do when I lose control.”
“Wh-what do you mean? When you lose control of what?” Ninann looked at her sister with quivering lips.
“I can’t… You wouldn’t understand. You are the white dove of our family, you bring hope and pride to our House. I am theblack dove, a seed of destruction.” Apattar’s voice fell as she forced herself to continue. “Father says the void between worlds leaked into my being the moment I took my first breath under the black sun.”
She wanted to say no more, but the hurt and worry in Ninann’s eyes gave her pause. The woman deserved the truth. Apattar could only imagine what her life must look like in her sister’s eyes. Once, they had been inseparable, thick as honey. Custom took precedence, and Ninann soon left to train at the temple, while Apattar spent the days locked in her chambers. What strange rationale did their father give Ninann when she found hersoerlripped away one day?
Apattar paused, sucking in a deep breath, letting the air expand in her lungs until it hurt. She exhaled and stilled her mind, closing her eyes before beginning again with a strained voice.
“I… I killed a man, Ninann. I ameverythingFather ever said I would be. I don’t want to be, but I am.”
Apattar hung her head in dejection, shoulders slumped forward under the crushing weight of her guilt. Weary brown eyes looked up at Ninann, still radiant and pure in the sunlight. The white dove, marred by the black stain before her.
Saliva pooled in Apattar’s mouth; a bead of sweat broke out along her upper lip. The world fell out of focus, spinning at the edges of her vision. Apattar felt a hand wrap around her waist, but she could only focus on the taste of bile and the sounds of retching. She squeezed her eyes shut and tried to chase away the memories. The hazy face of a bald man, purple lips twisted into a half-formed scream, appeared out of the black void. His eyes rolled back into his head, the whites streaked with writhing shadows.
“But, but surely you had a reason!” Ninann’s angelic voice scattered the memories drowning Apattar. “Like when thethieves came and Papa said you were attacked, when you got the first scars on your cheek.” Ninann wiped a sleeve of her red and yellow dress across her sister’s wet mouth, gentle touch soothing the chaos within.
Apattar took a few shaky breaths before looking back to Ninann. “Attacked,” she chuckled weakly. A sanitized version of the evening of her fourteenth nameday, when the first blade descended on her face. “Do you want to know, truly?” she asked slowly, studying the sweet round face before her.
“I…” Ninann trailed off, afraid or unable to speak, Apattar could not tell. She walked over to a bench behind them, supporting Apattar as she collapsed on the cool white stone.
“You should know all of it, for it to make sense. I have been leaving home since I was eight, you know?”
Ninann’s eyes widened.
“Eight? But you were still a little girl! I thought you said it only started a year before I caught you! What, so for nearly twelve years you’ve been sleepingby yourselfin the desert at night? In the place we send criminals for punishment? By the gods, Atta, you, you… you could have been killed!”
“Father wouldn’t have mourned my death,” Apattar said with a bitter laugh. “I can’t explain it. The stars, the cold snaking across my skin, the music of the shadows. You think me insane, I know, but our lives were different from the moment the world ripped us apart in the womb. I have had to find my comfort where I can. Fa— he, he hates me. I feel it in every word he utters.”
Apattar touched the cluster of black scars racing down her right cheek, two still red and swollen. Each earned simply for existing as anevranenith.
“If not for your love, I would have run away long ago. You can’t understand.”
Ninann did not reply for a minute, or maybe three. The air sat heavy and stagnant between them, Apattar’s words lingering on her lips and in Ninann’s ears. Apattar felt the invisible hands return, clawing at her throat, a knot forming in her stomach as they came.
She desperately wished she would cry, could force the gnawing void out through her salty tears. But she knew they would not come. They rarely did, not after years of holding her gaze steady as her father showed his hatred and loathing of her existence with every touch. Her test of resolve had now become a prison with no escape, leaving dread feelings and memories festering in the dark.
“You’re right, I can’t understand. Not fully,” Ninann said after a while, reaching for Apattar’s arm with a timid touch. “I hate what Papa has done to you, and I don’t think theMakhaerenis right, but we must try something if the Shadow-weave is so unstable! You are a daughter of the Sunmaiden, one of the blessed Eásiri! I still love you, as does Mother. She teaches me out of duty, not favoritism. Remember when we were little and you came to my lessons? Our powers are shared; she never denied your education. You must know you are loved!”
Apattar swallowed the guilt rising from the pit of her stomach. Why did Ninann have to make this harder?
“It’s not only what he says and does, Ninann. I can’t even begin to dream of your life. You have your freedom. My Little White Dove. I am glad you do, but where do you think I go during the days? How did I get these scars?” Apattar stared at her sister with hard eyes.
“He said you agreed to it, to try and siphon out the Shadow-weave… to cleanse you,” Ninann murmured.
