Page 25 of Icebreaker
“I’m gonna keep a real good eye on him, but he’s a good bear and always follows directions. If I ask him to stay in my backpack, he will.”
“Now that we’ve got that settled. Why don’t we get some breakfast, pack a lunch, and then get on the road?”
“It’s a plan.”
We headed up to the mountains for one of my favorite hikes. It was on the backside of my family’s cabin near Tannenberg. My family had spent every summer up here and most of our Christmases. It had been in my dad’s family for years, and I couldn’t imagine ending up anywhere else.
My parents weren’t thrilled about my decision to become a police officer, but they understood my draw to the area. If I got accepted into the sheriff’s office, I’d be moving into the cabin this summer. My acceptance into the program felt like a long shot, given my age, but I was hopeful that my knowledge and love of the area would make up for it. I hadn’t considered a second option.
My daydreaming about what life would look like in the future was interrupted by Ellie’s excited discoveries along the trail.
“Daddy B, did you see this one?” Ellie held up an oak leaf that had fallen. It looked chewed on. “Do you think a caterpillar got this one?”
“I think something got that one, but I don’t really know what caterpillar bite marks look like.”
“He wouldn’t bited it. He’d nibble on it.”
“Thank you for correcting me, but I don’t know what caterpillar’s nibbles look like either.”
From the moment we exited the car, Ellie had allowed himself to fall into the little space I’d suspected was in him but had never gotten to see. He sparkled with animated chatter and seemed lighter. Ellie was always sweet and kind, but he practically floated during our hike, and it was gratifying to see.Usually, he was so serious that it was difficult to find any mischievousness in him, but today, all of that poured out of him.
After about thirty minutes of walking on a steady incline, all of Ellie’s extra energy had finally been expended, and he settled into a pace next to me instead of bouncing from one side of the trail to the other. It had been a while since we’d seen any other hikers, and there wasn’t any noise except for us, so I figured it would be a safe time to discuss what each of us wanted in this relationship.
I captured his hand and asked, “What do you need in a Daddy?”
“Before I answer that, can you tell me how you see yourself as a Daddy?”
“I’ve always imagined it would be my job to make my little’s life easier, better, and happier. I’m a fixer.”
“Sometimes a fixer goes too far.”
“I think sometimes people mistake fixing for controlling, and I don’t want to control anyone. When I’ve imagined having a boy, a little, it was so they could be everything they wanted because I was handling the pesky details. They can focus on things that are more important to them, and I get to fix things. It’s a match made in heaven.”
“What do you like about littles?”
“I like how free they are. They enjoy the moment and the space they’re in. I don’t have the ability to turn my mind off like that, but I enjoy experiencing it through them.”
“I know you said you’ve never been a Daddy, but you’ve taken care of littles before?”
“Only a couple of times. There’s a place downtown that sometimes has open membership nights where people can go and experience it and see what it’s like…”
“Oh, do you mean Wilde Dandies?”
“Have you been there?”
“Nope, but I’ve read about it on some online forums. There’s no way I could afford their membership fee.”
“Yeah, it’s not easy to swing when you’re in college.”
“But you didn’t find anyone there that you were interested in?”
“I had a nice time, but didn’t find anyone I wanted to experiment with outside the club.”
We walked a little farther down the trail. We were both quiet as we contemplated how to move forward, and Ellie collected rocks along the way.
“What kind of Daddy are you looking for?” I repeated.
“Someone who will help me organize my life.”
