Page 35 of Icebreaker
“I promise I can afford the stickers, and I’m not saying this to be mean or make you feel bad, but I promise that splurging on stickers won’t make a dent in my budget.”
I instinctively started biting my lip. I hated spending money without a clear budget because I always felt like I was going to go over, and then people would suffer because of my selfishness. I was stuck in the aisle, unsure of what to do. Daddy sensed my distress and pulled me close, wrapping his arms around my shoulders. My face ended up snuggled against his chest.
“Baby boy, what’s wrong?” he whispered.
“You told me to pick the glitter that I wanted, and I did. You said it didn’t matter, but then you bought me the constructionpaper, and you mentioned it didn’t matter how many sheets I got. I mean, it’s just paper, so I didn’t worry as much about that. But now we’re in the sticker aisle, and you said not too much, but that I could get what I want. I really don’t like it when I don’t have a budget because I don’t know what the boundaries are. I really prefer having boundaries, and now I just sound stupid because I’m over here freaking out about stickers. Nobody should care about that, except I know how tight budgets can be, you know? Ours was always tight at home. It may just be stickers, but sometimes people don’t have enough for that. And now I just…ugh.” The words vomited out of me, and I wanted to disappear in the middle of the aisle.
“Okay, how about this: twenty-five dollars. Is that fair?”
“Are you sure you can afford that plus the glitter?”
“Baby boy, I’m asking you to trust me. I got it.”
“All right, Daddy B. I’m gonna go find the best ones.”
Daddy B kissed me on my cheek and answered, “I know you will, kiddo.”
“Do you have studying that you need to get done today?” Daddy B asked when we returned from our shopping trip.
“Only a little. I need to double-check my vocabulary, but that shouldn’t take me very long. I also need to make some notes on a chapter, but I started doing that the other day. Why?” I answered truthfully, but all I wanted to do was create a pretty picture with my new glitter and stickers. Daddy B had also tossed some felt and blank paper into the cart on the way to check out. They were a temptation I struggled to resist.
When we’d gotten to the checkout, I’d realized he’d snuck in some fancy markers and pens without me noticing. Rather than let me see the total, Daddy B had asked me to wait on the bench next to the entrance doors. I kinda, sorta, absolutely one hundred percent loved that the place he’d directed me toward had been in his line of sight. And as much as I wanted to say it was too much, the way he’d solved the problem of me fretting about the cost gave me butterflies.
“Do you remember when you told me that you got really frustrated when it felt like you weren’t getting stuff done?”
“Yeah, it’s the story of my life. I make all the plans, and then they never seem to get done.”
“I was thinking it might be easier if you had a schedule to follow. I know you said it’s easier when you have a to-do list from Mr. Haddad because you know he expects you to do it in the order he gave it to you.”
I contemplated his point, but there wasn’t much to think about. He wasn’t wrong.
Daddy B dumped the bags on the kitchen table. “So go get your studying done while I fix lunch, and then afterward, we can go over the stuff we need to do.”
“What stuff?”
“We need to do your chore chart and schedule, but I think we should come up with a list of rules too, so there’s no confusion. If we can get everything done that we need to, then you’ll be able to have some little time this evening. I think it’s important to you, and you’re not getting nearly enough of it.”
Instead of answering, I walked across the kitchen and into his arms. As I wrapped my arms around his torso, Daddy B wrapped his around my shoulders, fully enveloping me. His scent—deodorant, sure, but also a musk that was uniquely his—calmed me. His tight hug soothed me in ways I wished I couldexplain. How he instinctively knew what I needed was beyond me.
“Can I study in here?” I asked, my voice muffled by his chest, but I didn’t mind.
“Always, kiddo.” Daddy B kissed the top of my head, and I nearly swooned.
With his permission, I settled at the kitchen table to review my notes and write my outline.
At the stove, Daddy B puttered back and forth. As a hockey player, he needed to eat a lot to maintain his calorie intake. When it was just me, I survived on cafeteria food, salty ramen, and microwavable snacks. But he focused on healthy snacks and made sure there were plenty of nutritious options in the house. The cafeteria at the dorm was still available to me, but I had hardly needed to use it since moving in.
I’d be eating there next week, whether I wanted to or not, because Daddy B was leaving on Thursday and not returning until Sunday. I’d gotten spoiled with the bye week and had gotten used to having him around. Even if we weren’t actively doing something, I liked having him at the apartment.
But eventually, he’d return to his real life. Before I came to stay with him, I heard him talking about going to parties or heading to the bars downtown. Since I’d move in? Nothing. He came home and stayed home. When he’d suggested hiking yesterday, I was surprised because I’d never heard him mention it before. The novelty of me would wear off soon enough.
“Hey, are you getting any work done?” Daddy B came to stand beside me at the table and looked at the completely blank page in front of me.Shoot.
“I…uh…yeah… I’m working on it.” He eyed the empty page in front of me and tapped the closed book next to it.
“What’s distracting you?”
I shrugged. He gently captured my chin and raised my face to look at him.
