Page 76 of All I Need (Hearts of the South)
“Do you not understand how unfair that is? I don’t love him, Amy. Letting him love me when I don’t feel the same way? That is so selfish.”
“Are you still using him?”
“No.” A flicker of anger burned under her skin. “Of course not.”
“Then relax and let it unfold. You two are finding your way.”
Savannah stared at her sister. She’d expected Amy to help her. Instead, she was making it worse. “I don’t want to hurt him, Amy, and I’m going to.”
“Savannah, you’re not going to deliberately hurt him, any more than I would hurt Rob on purpose.” A hint of exasperation tightened Amy’s voice. “Maybe you should simply stop worrying so much and actually enjoy your life. Enjoy being with him. He enriches your life, or you wouldn’t still be with him and we both know it.”
Hands clutched around the warmth of her barely touched cup, Savannah blew out a long breath. She couldn’t let go like that. It frightened her.
“You need to think about whether you’re afraid of hurting him or hurting yourself.” Amy leaned back, lifting her own coffee for another sip. “You don’t need to confuse those, or you’ll end up hurting him for real.”
“What are you talking about?” She narrowed her eyes.
“I’m talking about your tendency to shut down and hide from life since Gates died. In this scenario, that would most likely look like you leaving him because you’re afraid of how you feel about him. Only, you’d tell yourself it was about not hurting him. You don’t have that luxury because you know leaving him would devastate him. So really, the only thing you have left to do is let it ride, let him love you, and figure out what life with him looks like. You aren’t there yet, but you will be. Give it time.”
* * * * *
Savannah’s phone buzzed while she was walking from the coffee shop. A quick glance at the screen revealed a text from Emmett, asking her to meet him outside the ER’s main entrance. She had a few minutes until her break was up, and the pager lay quiet in her pocket.
Outside, she set her coffee on the brick wall at the top of the steps and smiled as Emmett crossed the one-way street between the parking lot and hospital. She’d thought Troy Lee made tan and brown polyester look good. The vest under Emmett’s shirt made his chest and shoulders seem broader, and dear Lord in heaven, the combination of starch and authority. He even walked differently, shoulders back and straight, the leather gear belt molding the line of his hips. Combined with the knowledge he was hers in a way she’d never expected, she really wanted to jump him right here.
This was another facet of him, one she found as attractive as the talented musician or the leap-in-and-live-life man learning how to reshape that very same life. She wanted to unravel him, explore all the layers she didn’t know yet.
“What are you doing here?” Her voice emerged breathier than she liked.
“Pick one of these.” He shoved a small stack of paint sample cards in her hand and straightened his hat brim above his sunglasses. “And save me for a few minutes.”
“What?” She glanced over the paint chips in various shades of gray.
“Lord help me, Gary Walker wants to bond with me.” He grimaced. “And Troy Lee was right. That car is a pigsty. Do I smell?”
“I’m sure you don’t.” If she leaned in and sniffed him, with her emotions and attraction to him so close to the surface, that would lead to other activities and they’d both be in trouble with various ethics boards around the state. She held the paint cards aloft. “What’s with these?”
“I got the house. Signed the lease first thing this morning. The owners are paying to have it repainted inside, and you’ll hate anything I pick.”
“What does it matter if I hate it? You’re the one leasing the place.” That mud gray was hideous. She tossed it in the waste bin next to the steps.
He rested both hands above his gun belt. “Would you be serious? Like you’re not going to spend time, including nights, there.”
She wasn’t even going to argue that because they both knew he was right. With a sigh, she pulled her pen from her pocket and circled a medium gray with blue undertones. “This one.”
“Got it.” He stuffed the card in his shirt pocket and glanced over his shoulder at the deputy waiting impatiently by the car, arms crossed over his chest. “You want a say in the furniture too, right? We can hit Sundries after work.”
“Furniture?” Paint was one thing. Furnishings were something else entirely.
“Landra’s plan is to take over the apartment, and I’m leaving her most of my stuff. Painters are coming tomorrow, and we’re supposed to be able to have furniture in by Friday. Unless you want to be looking at what I would pick on my own—”
“Sundries after work is good.” The wide smile actually hurt her face, and he laughed.
“I want to kiss you so bad.” He shook his head and walked down the steps. He paused at the bottom and pointed back at her. “About five thirty? I’ll meet you there.”
“Sounds great.” She watched him walk away, an unfamiliar emotion curling through her, warming her chest. He spoke to the other officer, then strode to the passenger side and lifted a hand at her in farewell before he climbed in the car.
A hand at her throat, her pulse fluttering under her fingertips, she eyed the car as it pulled onto the one-way street and disappeared around the corner. No, not an unfamiliar emotion. Merely forgotten. That feeling fizzing through her was plain, old-fashioned happiness.
