Page 55 of Safe With Me
I didn’t want to. Talking meant . . . I don’t know. Hope? Talking meant hope and that had died so long ago I didn’t want it resurrected.
“There’s nothing to talk about.” I clasped my hands behind my back so he couldn’t see my fingers twined together until my knuckles ached. “This whole week, us sleeping together? I’m using you and it’s not right.”
“I knew you were using me.” He shrugged, rotating one wrist between his knees. “Not all I want, but it’s enough for now.”
“No, it’s not. We need to stop–”
“Like you and Park?” His mouth twisted in distaste. “You and Tick Calvert?”
“What are you talking about?”
“You’re okay with sex. I get that – sex with you is amazing. But the emotional part? You don’t like that.”
I stayed stiff and still, even though I squirmed inside. “Well, it’s a moot point. We’re not doing this anymore.”
“What do you expect me to say here, Hannah? I can’t force you into a relationship with me. I don’t want to lose you, and that’s the fastest way possible.”
He was being reasonable. What was I supposed to do with that?
“I know life has been out of control for you lately. And I know that’s the worst for you. I was part of that. I’ll regret that the rest of my life. I’m trying to be steady while you figure out what you want. Not gonna lie – I want that to be me.”
“I’m scared,” I whispered. Where had that come from?
“Hell, so am I.” He blew out a long breath. “I want to be with you, but I’m afraid to care too much in case I lose you. Sitting here sweating now.”
His honesty deserved honesty. “I don’t know how to do more than sex.”
“I kinda figured that out. That’s why we lasted as long as we did. We told ourselves we were friends.”
“We were friends.”
“We were more than that, but didn’t act on it. That’s why I quit hooking up. Figure you kept on seeing guys like Park and what’s-his-fucking-face because it was a way not to go there with me.”
Oh, I didn’t like that insight. At all. He saw inside me, and life was safer when people couldn’t do that. The only people I allowed that kind of insight? Sara. Maybe Gracie and Tilda.
“So we can stop sleeping together. You can send me home.” He shrugged again. “Doesn’t really address the problem, which is we want each other more than physically and we’re both chickenshit.”
“My mama.” I wound my fingers more tightly together. “Watching her and Daddy . . . it was hard to feel safe, you know. They weren’t like your parents.”
“Darby loved Ashley like no tomorrow.” His lips curved into a sad smile, old grief in his eyes. “Always kinda thought I wanted that until I saw what it did to him after.”
“You don’t want to love me like that.” I got it, but the realization made my heart twinge in my chest, a sharp twang that reverberated out to make my throat ache.
“Scares me shitless.”
“I don’t know how that kind of love looks.” That was a lie. Andy loved Gracie like that, and Sara and Trace . . . well, they were deeply, hopelessly devoted. I craved that, but I craved safety more.
“So we could be together.” His careful tone gave me the sense that he was picking his way over dangerous ground. “You know . . . like each other, take care of each other, not go that deep.”
The idea let me breathe, even as it choked me with loss. If I didn’t get further into him, if he didn’t get further into me, neither of us could get hurt. If he turned out to be someone else I couldn’t trust – Who was I kidding? He’d already shown me that he wasn’t – I’d be safe.
I swallowed, like shards of glass all the way down, and forced out the words. “I can do that.”
“Okay.” Gaze glued to me, he nodded. “Me, too.”
I shouldn’t feel such a deflated sense of disappointment. I should feel relieved. I could have Tate, who I’d always wanted, without the threat of deep emotional commitment.
I wasglad. I was moving forward with the man who’d kept me from falling for anyone else.
