Page 59 of Twisted Bonds
Maybe it wasn't the right thing to do, coming to the shelter, but I needed to get away from the house. I didn't want Beau to see what his actions had done to me. With the old memory came the darkness that took hold and pulled me into that deep abyss of depression, anger, hatred, and self-loathing. My first thought was to seek out Bain, but the last thing I wanted to do was hurt Beau or his mother, so I came here instead.
It's late; most of the women are in bed, and both Laney and Heather's lights are off, which also tells me it was an early night for them. Making sure I'm quiet as I enter the building and press the code into the system, so the alarms don't go off, I silently make my way to my office. I only turn the small lamp on to give me enough light not to walk into anything.
Right away, I go to my small bathroom with a stand-up shower in case I need to stay overnight because I'm working late. I never thought I would have to run away from my own home. Starting the shower, I let it heat up while grabbing a towel and a set of clothes I keep here just in case.
I catch my reflection in the mirror after pulling my shirt over my head. I had to replace the one Beau had ripped open, but that's okay, at the time, the act of it was hot. As I look at myself, I see the dark circles under my eyes and how my cheekbones are slightly more pronounced from not eating properly. I've been sick to my stomach being under the same roof as Beau, so nervous and not knowing how to act around him.
I thought that was going to change today. It was so perfect—until it wasn't. The moment it was over, and Beau said those words to me, my world crashed again. I knew I was fucked up. Nobody could go through what the D'Angelos put me through and come out of it still believing in rainbows and bunnies. Sure, you can have good days, and I have, but that doesn't mean the bad ones will never come again.
The most minuscule of a memory or an act can have it all flooding back in a heartbeat, like what happened earlier. I know Beau didn't mean for it to happen, and I don't blame him for saying what he said because it's the fucked-up truth, but that doesn't help me any now.How can he expect me to try and change how I handle my darkness if he isn't willing to help wean me from it?
I get that he thinks it's like weaning me off the ecstasy back in the day, but this isn't something that I can just throw up or sweat out when going through withdrawals. Beau has trauma as well, and I understand that doing what I need may bring up his own PTSD—I get that. However, not wanting me to do it at all is unfair to me.
I open the glass door to the shower and step inside. The water is hot—painful, but I need it right now. I lean my hand against the back wall and let the spray pelt down onto my bare back. The burn feels good after the initial sting, and I relax a bit.
Standing here, just about to start washing away the day's event, I'm saddened at the thought of washing Beau away, but then his words haunt me once more, and with them, the memory it brought forth. It's like an earthquake; after the initial quake, you feel aftershocks for hours, even days afterward. This one brought on one of the memories I wish I could forget most.
It was the day I learned that Julien Dalama was Dante's best friend, which would be why he threatened me that day we raided his house. I'm unsure who the other men were, but I will never forget Julien. He was someone who got his rocks off on humiliating a woman or a slave, as he so adequately explained.
"A woman should be seen and not heard unless she is screaming out her master's name as he fucks her whatever way he chooses. You would quickly learn that in the Dalama House; women are only treasured when they bring something to the table, like an heir. Unlike some, I don't have abreeding kink, so the only thing a woman has that I cherish is a hole to deposit my cum in."
Dante had laughed at his friend's notion of women. He worked his hand harder, thrusting the object into me until he had me coming. Once he was done, he helped me to stand after releasing my wrists, then shoved me to my knees. That's when I saw the large knife in Dante's hand. He returned the ornate-handled knife to his friend, who then licked it clean. The fact that it had been in my ass didn't faze him at all, and it turned my stomach…the sick fuck.
"Unfortunately, Sergio is very fond of our little poppet and refuses to share her with anyone other than his brothers, but she's a great receptacle; just keep your dick out of her mouth."
Dante caressed my head as if he was petting Sergio's pet as I stared at him in disbelief. I had known better than to argue with him, so when I was told to open, I obeyed like a good girl. Just as Julien finished his release, Sergio walked in and stopped short seeing what Julien had done to his pet.
To say he was livid would be putting it mildly. When the middle brother held his hand toward me, I jumped and rushed over to him, automatically going to my knees to wait for his next order. Sergio didn't give a shit who Dante was meeting with, and gave Julien a piece of his mind. They had me so whipped that as I knelt there listening to Sergio go off, I still had a mouthful of semen yet to be swallowed, but not until I was told to do so.
When Sergio’s attention returned to me, and he realized I was still holding another man’s cum in my mouth, he scowled and demanded,“Spit that shit out. You don’t ever swallow any cum that doesn’t get put there by me or my brothers. Understand?”
I nodded and immediately spit the fluid out on the floor.
“What the fuck, Sergio?”Dante stood with his hands on his hips, glaring at the cum that stained the floor.“I hope you’re going to have that cleaned up.”
Sergio shrugged.“Find another whore to clean it, this one is out of commission.”
For a little while, I had been noticing small changes in Sergio. I had been there for seven to eight months by that time, and it seemed that I only needed to be the good girl that Sergio was wanting in order for him to start treating me a bit more decently.
I'm not sure when I slid to the shower floor or when the water turned cold, but suddenly, the shower door swings open, and Laney gasps, "Oh my God, Ryan!"
My knees are bent, and I'm gripping the spare razor I keep here to shave. It isn't until the water turns off and I look up at her and see the fear in her eyes that I begin to snap out of the haze I'm in. Suddenly, the cold hits me, and I start shivering. Laney gives herself a visible shake and reaches for the towel I left on the rack. She wraps it around my shoulders and tries to get me to stand, but I'm shaking too much from being cold.
"Here, let's warm you up a bit." My friend begins rubbing my arms over the towel. "What in the world are you doing here, honey?"
I can hear her, but for some reason, I can't form any words. I can't tell her I'm screwing things up with Beau because I'm too fucked up in the head. I'm supposed to be the one who has it all together. Laney and Heather get their strength from me. They see me as a role model, so for them to even find me like this has me spiraling.
A commotion is happening outside the bathroom, and then I hear a familiar voice, and my body automatically starts to relax. "Where is she? Where's Ryan?"
The door to the bathroom bursts open, and all I want to do is cry—happy tears. He's here—he will know what to do. "Bain…"
Laney gets up just as Bain drops to his knees. "Yes, baby, I'm here," he soothes, pulling me into his arms.
Sweet torment. It's how I describe the feeling each time Bain brings the whip down across my back. After the fifth kiss of the whip’s fall, I could feel the darkness slowly recede, and I sighed. It's almost like having a sinus infection where you have this pain and discomfort all built up in one spot, and then you take your meds, and it slowly breaks up. Everything is so clear once again. It's the best way I can describe it, except it's not a build-up in just my head. My whole body is consumed by it if I don't have these sessions.
I'm sure I can wean off it eventually, but it's not something that I can quit cold turkey. Otherwise, what happened tonight will happen each time. When Bain helped me off the shower floor, we discovered why I washolding the razor in my hand. Fresh razor cuts streak across the inside of my thighs, and I have no recollection of doing it.
Bandaging me up, Bain brought me here to the playroom immediately. Again, I was trained to be a certain way while in this room, so I stood there waiting for Sir's orders. When he saw me standing there, I saw the understanding in his eyes, so he changed into his role.
