Page 27 of The Lady Was Lying
Relieved that she seemed more herself and slightly less worried about why she wanted to talk than he had been a moment earlier, he asked, “About what?”
“My past. Your future. I’m sorry about yesterday. And last night. And about the way I treated you after Elsbeth ended your betrothal.” She chewed on her lower lip. “I’ve made many mistakes. Since the duke died, I haven’t asked how you are or what you’re thinking. I presumed you’d fulfill your duties as expected, and then I didn’t respond well when circumstances changed.”
Neither of them had responded well. “I should have told you what I knew sooner.”
“You shouldn’t have had to tell me.” Her eyes held sadness but also resolve. “Why are you so insistent that we remain in London?”
Between her apology—which he hadn’t expected—and the honest curiosity in her question, he could glimpse the relationship they used to share.
One that he had missed.
He wanted to explain himself, but there wasn’t a single overarching reason why he insisted on staying. More like a multitude of small ones that were difficult to describe.
“I did everything he ever asked. I never questioned my role or my responsibilities.” Not even the betrothal. “He taught me everything he knew about becoming duke and being an admirable man. I listened and learned all I could about the land and the tenants and my obligation to both.” He picked up a spoon and stirred his tea before he forced himself to admit, “Making him proud is all that I ever wanted.”
It was embarrassing how little he’d considered himself in his future.
“He was proud of you.”
“I know. He told me practically every day.” He tapped the spoon against the edge of the cup. “His approval was enough…until it wasn’t.”
“But you are an admirable man, and nothing can change that.”
He set down the spoon without picking up the cup. “Thank you.” His character wasn’t something he really doubted. “I’ve followed in his footsteps and become the duke he expected me to be, but I don’t know who I am beyond my title. I want to find a partner. Not one that is assigned to me. One that I discover on my own.”
He felt ridiculous voicing what he wanted.
He had been too busy living up to the standard set by his father to even realize that he did not know what he desired in a wife. It wasn’t that he regretted the past. He’d been genuinely happy, and he wouldn’t trade the hours he’d shared with the duke for anything.
Now though, his circumstances were so different than he’d expected them to be. He didn’t know how he’d discover what he wanted if he stayed at Bramblewood and lived the same life he’d always lived.
Leaving had been the only option.
“I’m sorry if I made leaving Bramblewood difficult,” she said.
“You had every reason to question my intentions.” Before the deathbed confession, he’d had no trouble communicating with his mother. He shouldn’t have allowed a rift between them. Having her support would have made the last months easier. “I should have explained sooner.”
“You were angry and confused.”
“That isn’t an excuse.”
“But it is a reason.”
“I suppose.” Having a reason did not make him feel better. “I’m sorry I didn’t come to you as soon as he told me.”
“And I’m sorry he burdened you with such a heavy secret. I will always wish you didn’t know, but since you do, I’ll try to accept the choices you make.” She reached out and gripped his forearm. “Maybe we can both try to do better in the future?”
“I would like that.”
An unseen weight lifted from his shoulders. If he and his mother could return to the easy relationship they had once shared, his life would be a great deal less fraught. He’d missed her support more than he’d realized.
Chapter Six
Accompanying Emmeline to visit Danford, his wife Clarissa, and their children was not typical behavior for Belinda. Over the years, she’d interacted with them many times, but she’d never visited them at their home.
If she hadn’t been worried she’d do something foolish—like sneak into James’s townhouse and kiss him without his permission—she wouldn’t have even considered inviting herself along. As it was, she couldn’t trust herself to stay away from the duke, so she found herself seated across from Clarissa and Emmeline as they chatted and watched their children frolic in the nursery.
Her mind drifted as they discussed how exceptional their children were. While proficiency in Latin was probably impressive due to their ages, it didn’t much matter to Belinda. When the conversation shifted to household matters, she rose to her feet. “I’m going to take a turn about the garden.”
