Page 56 of The Lady Was Lying
“You encouraged me to sample as many men as I could. When I debuted, you told me to be bold and fearless in my quest for passion. Why would you tell me that if there was any possibility I might not experience desire as you do?”
Blindly following what was expected of her was not in her nature. Why had she done it?
She hated being told what to do. She didn’t even like her mother, and yet she’d allowed her mother’s example to guide her.
“I’m still not fully convinced you can’t experience passion.” Her mother held up her hand before Belinda could comment. “I do believe that you haven’t experienced it yet. Maybe kissing was not the right place for you to begin. It didn’t occur to me that it was a possible stumbling block until just now, but there are other paths you could explore. Maybe you’re one of those girls who requires extensive courting. Maybe you require hand-holding and talking, instead of kissing and fucking.” She wrinkled her nose. “Or…you could…um…heavens—I don’t know. You are entirely outside my realm of experience. Perhaps you could…ask Sebastian to arrange a marriage for you. Plenty of unions are created for reasons other than love. Your husband could find passion with others if he can’t experience it with you. Whores do exist for a reason.” She snapped her fingers. “Or maybe you would be well-suited to marry a man who prefers other men?”
“Mother.” A laugh slipped out of Belinda, bordering on hysterical. She shouldn’t have been surprised. Her mother had always lacked the ability to temper her thoughts. And she’d always been unapologetically blunt. Suggesting that Belinda should marry and not bed her husband was akin to blasphemy. How would they acquire an heir if they didn’t copulate? “I refuse to marry a man and then send him elsewhere to find his pleasure. I would rather be alone than abandoned.”
“Alone. That’s foolish.” Her mother waved her hand in the air. “And you misunderstood what I was saying. If you don’t satisfy him, you won’t have to send him anywhere. He’ll find his own way to someone else’s bed.”
“Mother!”
“What? It’s true. I mean…it’s never happened to me personally, but plenty of other women have lost the interest of their husbands, and in those cases the men explore other options without needing encouragement.”
Belinda’s hands flew up to cover her ears, but she couldn’t quite block the sound of her mother’s chuckle.
“No need to act like a prude, Belinda. You might not enjoy kissing, but you aren’t shy or innocent. You can comprehend pleasure even if you haven’t experienced it. Consider embarking on a courtship without kissing. Maybe affection will grow, even if desire does not.”
Over the years, it had occurred to Belinda that kissing as many men as she could was horrid advice. However, she hadn’t spent much time considering the reason why it was lacking. She’d simply assumed there was something wrong with her.
Something broken.
Something that couldn’t be fixed.
But now, she wondered, what if there wasn’t something wrong?
What if she wasn’t broken?
What if it had been her approach that had been the problem all along? Was it too late to change direction? And what would happen if she did? Would James be interested in her if she hadn’t tried to kiss him or threatened to seduce him during their initial encounters? Would she be interested in him if she had kissed him? Or was he simply a loose thread that she needed to pull?
“There’s one thing I don’t quite understand,” her mother said. “If kissing isn’t something you want, why are you still doing it?”
“It isn’t a lack of want.”
“If it isn’t working though…”
“When Sebastian cut my season short and sent us to Greydon Hall, I decided I would remain a spinster forever. I stopped actively seeking men for quite some time, but you are right, I do attract attention whether I intend to or not. I was not any happier avoiding kissing than when I was kissing indiscriminately, so I allowed myself to experiment without expectations and with an even wider variety of men, but the results have remained consistent. I keep thinking I’ve accepted my spinsterhood and then something spurs me to try again.”
“Because you want to be loved,” her mother stated, as if it were the most obvious thing in the world.
“Loved,” she echoed.
“It’s only natural to seek love.” Her mother smiled as the clock in the hall began chiming.
“Oh no. Is that the time?” Rising to her feet, her mother looked at the door. “I’m going to be late. I’ll speak with Charles to see if we have space in our schedule to call again before we leave. In the meantime, tell your brothers and sisters I called.” She waved over her shoulder as she glided through the room and then disappeared into the hall.
A moment later, she reappeared in the doorway.
“I clearly should have told you this ages ago, but I didn’t realize it was necessary. It’s foolish to live your life according to someone else’s rules—mine, included. If I understand correctly, it’s been years since you discovered kissing isn’t the way to your heart. Don’t you think you owe it to yourself to try something new?”
“But…” Before Belinda could add anything else, her mother was gone.
The resonance of her words remained, and Belinda had no idea how to reconcile her past with her newfound clarity.
Did the conversation with her mother change everything? Or nothing?
With more questions than answers, she called for tea for herself, since she’d never requested it for her mother.
