Page 57 of The Lady Was Lying
Belinda was lying on her back in the window seat staring up at the blue sky when Sebastian and Emmeline stormed into the library. Her thoughts had been a maelstrom of emotion when her mother departed, but now that a couple of hours had passed, she was less upset.
Not entirely unbothered, but certainly calmer.
Nothing had changed in her present circumstances. Even if her perspective was altered.
“Mother was here?” Sebastian asked, coming to a halt when he reached her side, his eyes clouded with concern. “You spoke with her?”
Belinda nodded. “She says she may return with Charles later in the week if her schedule allows.”
“If her schedule allows,” he repeated before sighing and running his hand through his hair. “Did she say anything else? Did she do something to upset you?”
“She called me frigid,” she stated unemotionally.
Emmeline appeared in Belinda’s line of sight, her mouth hanging open. “What a horrid thing to say. Why would she call you frigid?”
“Because kissing leaves me unaffected. It always has.”
“There is nothing wrong with you,” Sebastian staunchly declared, pinching the bridge of his nose. He’d known the truth for years now, and when she’d first told him she couldn’t experience passion, he asked what he could do. Instead of offering platitudes, he’d promised that she’d always have a place at Greydon Hall, and that she’d never have to marry. His assurance had made life immeasurably less fraught. “You know better than to listen to our mother.”
“I do, but she is not incorrect this time. At least not entirely. If you set aside your assumption that she’s wrong, you’ll have no choice but to admit that her conclusion makes perfect sense.”
“That doesn’t give her the right to show up and fling her thoughts about indiscriminately. We haven’t seen her in years, and instead of asking after the family and engaging in social niceties, she belittled you.” His outrage was more comforting than she wanted to admit.
“She didn’t belittle me, although she did suggest I ought to stop kissing altogether. At least until I determine whether it’s possible for me to appreciate a gentleman for his character.” Forcing a laugh, Belinda made sure her smile lingered as she dropped her legs to the floor and sat up. “Even you can appreciate the suggestion that I try conversing with a gentleman instead of sneaking into empty corridors and deserted rooms to stick my tongue down their throat.”
Sebastian groaned. “Belinda.”
“Heavens,” Emmeline said, shaking her head. “That is…well…you don’t seem terribly upset, but…are you sure you’re all right? Even if a part of you agrees with Vivienne, surely it was a difficult realization to make.”
“I’m fine.” It was nearly the truth.
“And you want to take her advice? You want to attempt a more sedate approach to courtship?” Sebastian asked slowly.
“I wouldn’t say that I want to. Or that I’m going to. But it does make a certain amount of sense. At no time have I made any effort beyond endeavoring to establish a physical connection with a man. If she’s correct, then maybe…” She dropped her gaze, unable to finish the sentence.
Emmeline leaned over and whispered something to Sebastian too softly for Belinda to hear. A moment later, her brother’s boots trod out of the room, while Emmeline sank onto the window seat next to her. “Your mother might be correct. Or she might not be. Either way, you don’t have to follow her advice.”
Belinda blew out a breath. “It’s just…”
Emmeline seemed to understand, laying her hand gently on top of Belinda’s. “I imagine it’s confusing.”
Was it confusing? Or was it simply frustrating?
“What if I can enjoy kissing in the right situation and I’ve been approaching it in the wrong way?” She bit her lip. “I’m not sure if I’m more terrified that she’s right or that she’s wrong.”
“I don’t have answers, but I do have thoughts if you’re interested in hearing them. While I can’t guarantee they’ll help, I can’t see how they’d hurt.”
Belinda nodded once.
“My situation wasn’t quite the same as yours, but before I married Sebastian, Clarissa told me that lovemaking was transcendent. She bade me to enjoy it. To revel in it. She made my brother seem like some sort of lothario and herself the recipient of immeasurable pleasure. On the one hand, her confidence increased my apprehension. I had no prior experience, and I still didn’t actually know what to expect. On the other hand, I was eager, and I had no reason not to believe her. My expectations were raised to an unreasonable level, and I didn’t even realize it.”
Belinda wasn’t sure how she was supposed to respond, because her situation was far more complicated than having unrealistic expectations.
“The first time was awful,” Emmeline admitted softly. “Awkward and uncomfortable. We barely knew each other. Didn’t kiss at all. Our union was meant to be practical, but there is nothing practical about lovemaking. It’s physical of course. But it’s also emotional. Your brother is the most handsome man I’ve ever seen, and I found myself attracted to him from the moment we were introduced, but it wasn’t until we knew each other better that the lovemaking became transcendent.”
Talking about her brother’s sex life probably should have made Belinda uncomfortable, but she’d discussed sex with her mother for years and was therefore rather used to it.
“You think my mother is correct, then?”
