Page 54 of A Virgin for the Vicious Highlander
Cecilia squeezed Paisley’s hand, wishing she could somehow draw some of her best friend’s enthusiasm into herself.
It had been a glorious surprise when Paisley had arrived the night before with her husband, and ithadlifted Cecilia’s spiritssomewhat. The two women had retreated to talk and gossip as they used to, but the one subject that Cecilia kept avoiding was the wedding. And Murdoch.
It would only be a disappointment to ye if I told ye the truth.
She had given what she hoped were satisfactory answers every time Paisley circled back to those topics, but she should have known that the interrogation would not stop.
“Do ye love him?” Paisley asked. “I remember ye said ye were intrigued by him at me weddin’, but I never would have thought that the two of ye would find one another. I never thought he would findanyone, though I suppose I prayed for him to be happy, too. Why, it’s like hittin’ two birds with one stone!”
Cecilia forced a chuckle. “Ye ought to be more careful where ye aim, or else ye’ll be accused of castin’ love spells.”
“Do ye think ye’ll be happy here?” Paisley continued, apparently believing that her initial question had been answered.
“I think there’ll be happiness here,” Cecilia replied, glancing at Dipper, who was fast asleep between them. “I dinnae ken if I’ll get used to the bitter winters, though. I thought the convent was bad—I didnae ken whatrealcold meant.”
Paisley sighed. “Well, ye’ll have to spend yer winters with us then. I’m sure Murdoch wouldnae mind sendin’ ye to me durin’ the cold months if I ask him very nicely.”
“That would be a fine thing, indeed,” Cecilia replied, meaning it. “Especially once the wee one arrives. I cannae wait to dote on the laddie or lassie.”
“Neither can I.” Paisley gave her hand a gentle squeeze, and the two of them turned to each other, smiling at last for the same reason.
I’ll have to give them the love I would’ve given to me own bairns,Cecilia realized with a heavy heart, for if she was to have a white marriage with Murdoch, then they would never have children of their own. She would never be a mother.
Uncomfortable with that thought, Cecilia carefully peeled back the coverlets and slipped out of bed, not wanting to wake Dipper.
“Where are ye goin’?” Paisley whispered.
“To stoke the fire,” Cecilia replied, the fib slipping easily past her lips. “Or else I’ll be shakin’ like a leaf by the time I have to put on me weddin’ gown, and I’ll be more inclined to go and say me vows in layers of blankets.”
She crept across the bedchamber to her writing desk first, discreetly picking up her folded list. Then, she tiptoed to the fireplace and crouched low, making sure that her back blocked any view of the paper in her hand.
After a few prods of the embers and an expert addition of kindling and smaller chunks of wood, decent flames started licking up the grate.
I’ll never be a maither. I’ll never have bairns of me own,she lamented, staring at the crackling fire. It was not something she had the opportunity to contemplate deeply, but now that she realized it could never happen, she wanted it keenly.
Of course, she was aware that someone else could father her children if Murdoch really meant what he said about never touching her again. But there was no way he would allow any child that was not his to remain in the castle. At the very least, he would likely not allow her to raise such bastards. They would probably be foisted on someone else, growing up with no knowledge of who their real parents were.
Thatwas worse than having no children at all, to her mind.
As the flames burned hotter, she cautiously unfolded her list and read the entries, feeling foolish as she did so.
One – Kiss and be kissed by a man.
Two – Be touched by a man the way the village girls described.
Three – Be kissed… elsewhere by a man, like the village girls used to talk about.
Four – Make love to a man (whatever that means).
Five – Fall asleep in a man’s arms.
There were more, but none were as important as those five. And she was about to give up everything she had written down. The moment she was married, she could forget about ever experiencing what the village girls used to gossip about. It would remain a mystery, beyond what she had already learned.
With that disappointment in her heart, she took a breath and tossed the list into the fire, before getting up and returning to her bed. She knew she should at least try and get somesleep before her wedding, though the chances of that were very slim, indeed.
“Och, Cecilia…” Paisley gasped, clapping a hand over her mouth as her eyes filled with tears.
Feeling awkward and sweaty and about as uncomfortable as she had ever felt in her life, Cecilia forced a smile. “That bad?”
