Page 85 of The Last Thing
I whip around to look at Hallie, who is wiping her eyes.
“What do you mean?”
She glances at me, but doesn’t quite meet my gaze.
“Loving opens you up to heartbreak. And this?” She gestures to her body. “It’s too much.”
I sit down on the edge of her bed and grab her hand. “Where is this coming from?”
She finally meets my eyes, and she knows what I mean.
Not the fears she’s feeling tonight. Why does she keep her heart walled off? Why is she afraid of love?
“Growing up, I was obsessed with my grandparents’ love story. I’d beg my gran to tell me about it over and over. Finding a love like that was what I wanted out of life. When I was fourteen, my grandfather was in the hospital, recovering after some heart stuff. He was expected to make a full recovery, and my grandmother had been staying with us while he was there. One night I woke up to my grandmother screaming. I ran downstairs and found her on her knees on the floor, my mom in front of her crying. Frannie was beside me a moment later, and then our dad told us what happened. Pop had passed away suddenly.” Her voice thickens, and she sniffs back tears. “I will never forget Gran screaming at the top of her lungs that she wassupposed to die first because she couldn’t live without him. That was the moment I knew I never wanted to fall in love because I didn’t want to endure that type of pain. Losing parents, siblings, friends… those are all painful, but losing the person your soul is tethered to?” She shakes her head. “I don’t want to do that.” Her lip quivers as she rests her hands on her stomach. “But I didn’t think about this. Losing a child—the thought is unbearable.”
Well, fuck me.
I assumed someone hurt her, but really, she’s terrified of experiencing the kind of pain that comes with deep loss.
My chest cracks open when I think about what that means. All this time she hasn’t been afraid of falling for me. She’s afraid of loving me that much. I don’t know how to convince her it’s okay. But that’s for another time. Her feelings for me aren’t what’s important right now.
I put my hand over hers where it’s resting on her stomach. “We don’t know what’s going to happen, but even if we lost this baby, would you regret loving them?”
Her nostrils flare and tears fall down her cheeks.
“This is scary, but it’s a part of life. If you try to hide and prevent yourself from feeling pain, all you’ll be left with is emptiness, and I know that’s not what you want. I understand your fear. I lost my dad suddenly, and I’m still grieving him. I always will be. Grief is love transformed. And it fucking hurts sometimes, but I’d rather feel that hurt and remember the way he loved me than to have never had it at all. Love is a risk, but it’s the best risk you’ll ever take. Without love, life is meaningless. Don’t prevent yourself from experiencing it. And when it comes to this, how would you ever be able to love this little person as fully as they deserve to be if you’re scared to open your heart all the way?”
She moves her hand and twines our fingers together over her stomach, resting her head on my shoulder.
“I’m really scared.”
“I know you are. I’m scared too. But my dad would have told me to have hope. So that’s what I’m doing right now. For myself. For you. For our baby. That’s his love still here. Still getting me through.” I brush my lips over her forehead. “It’s okay to be scared. But don’t give up. And don’t regret loving this baby because I can guarantee it’s the best thing you’ve ever done.”
She turns her body into me, and I wrap my arms around her, holding her close while she cries.
I’m still scared. And though I wish it wouldn’t have taken this to get her to open up to me, I’m glad she finally did. Now I know it’s not about breaking through her walls, but showing her that loving someone deeply is worth the risk of losing that love one day.
CHAPTER TWENTY-FOUR
HALLIE
I let outa shaky breath as Wilson and I wait for the ultrasound tech to get everything set up. Right before they came to take me back, a nurse came in and said all my labs looked normal.
That’s something.
I wasn’t expecting to completely lose my shit and pour my soul out to Wilson, but… I know I’m safe with him. And even though he said some hard truths and encouraged me not to fear love, I never felt judged.
Though when he asked if I’d regret loving this baby even if we lost it, guilt almost overtook me. Not because of Wilson or his words, but because of how selfish I was being. How stupidly terrified I was. I’m afraid if the ultrasound shows the worst that I’ll completely break, but I also know I’ll cherish every time I held my stomach or talked to our baby or… any of it.
I don’t want to stunt my love for them out of fear.
In the chair beside me, Wilson has my hand in his, and he’s brushing his lips over it.
He’s my rock.
My safe place.
And… I’m falling in love with him. There’s no question about that.
