Page 20 of Indecent Desires of a Proper Lady
She began to pull at the pins in her hair furiously, desperate to be released somehow. She had thought all her life that Charles was meant to be hers, and that he just wasn’t able to see her yet. She felt that it was upon her to make him see her, but he did not. Clearly, he would not! But that didn’t matter anymore. What mattered now was that she didn’t care, and she had in a moment, awoken to her very obvious foolishness.
She paced back and forth, the tears having dried now, and being replaced by a thick, heavy anger that had lain in wait for years. It seemed to be directed at everything. It was unfair that her father was taken from her so cruelly.
It was unfair that she also had lost her mother many years before. It was totally and wholly unfair that she had made the choice to devote so many years to a man who did not return her love. He did not deserve her! Why had she bestowed this childish passion on him?
Rushing to her notebook, Margaret flipped to the pages and pages of poems and began to tear them out in clumps. “How could I have wasted so much time? Juliet knew it, and yet I could not listen!”
She ripped again and again and threw the papers into the fire, savoring the sound of their crackle as the hungry flames rose high, turning the paper to blackened ash. Her fingers hovered over the start of her novel inside the notebook, but she stopped and put the notebook on her side table. That she would keep.
For a while, she watched as the papers were slowly consumed by fire, and it felt like a release. A final hold on her was let go, and she could finally be set free. Philip’s encouraging words again rang in her mind. She was capable of anything. Her father’s face always flashed in her brain. He would not have wanted this. He knew of her affection for Charles and while he never mentioned it, she knew that he could tell that Charles did not love her back.
“It is time to live my life,” she whispered, happy that finally, it was as if the dark clouds had parted from her mind.
A quiet knock made her head turn to the door quickly to watch as Juliet entered. “My Dear, are you well?” Juliet’s face was lined with concern. “You ran out so quickly, that I did not have a chance to speak to you.”
Margaret smiled, finally feeling happiness come from inside of her. “Yes, Juliet, I am very well indeed. Better than I have been in a very long time. I just needed a moment alone to organize my thoughts. I will be down shortly. You must go and entertain your guests!”
Juliet blinked in surprise. She reached out a hand to touch the ends of Margaret’s hair. “But your hair! What has happened?”
Margaret laughed. “All is well! We can discuss it later this evening once it is you and me alone.”
Juliet stood, her eyes narrowed with suspicion. “I suppose I have to listen to you.” She wandered to the doorway. “But you must promise. Once all guests are gone, you have to disclose everything. We are sisters, after all.”
“I promise.”
Juliet left the room, and Margaret sighed with contentment. She moved to sit in front of her looking glass again to stare at the long, curled mess she had made of her hair and the lady maid’s work. What use was it anymore?
She ran her fingers through her dark locks, feeling something, wanting to do something drastic to memorialize her change of heart. She spotted scissors on the side of her dressing table. They were for cutting threads and the like, but she took them up in hand, an idea burning its way through her brain. She opened them and placed a lock of her dark hair between the blades, letting the piece of hair fall to the floor in victory.
* * *
Philip awoke the next morning, resolved. It was a good feeling, but unfortunately, he was not sure of his success. He knew that he had to ask Leonard permission to offer his hand to Margaret before he left for the Navy. He could not leave without trying, for even if Charles did not ask her, another man might come and attempt to woo her while he was away. He could not risk it.
Margaret was the one he loved and needed to be with. But he needed to think carefully. He would send a letter to his family discussing his plans, without names of course, and spend the day preparing for how he would ask. He did not feel that he could see her that day. After yesterday, and the overwhelming desire that had come over him in her presence, he needed time to think clearly without her around.
He was about to leave to the gentleman’s club when he found Charles standing by the stables. Charles bore that brooding look that he had noticed before.
Philip approached him quietly. “Charles, why do you wait down here and not come inside? I assume you are here to see me.”
Charles nodded but did not answer Philip’s question. “I came to say goodbye for a time. I rushed away from Bartley, after having made my decision. I will go to France to help with shipments there. Something has come up, and I want to be the one to handle it.”
“I see.” Philip clasped his hands behind his back. “Well, that is good news, is it not?”
Charles nodded again. “It is good. I need the time away to think and to plan. I fear the threatening messages are weighing heavily upon me. I have told them that I promise to get them the money. Unfortunately, there was a rather bad large investment I made before I came into business with Leonard. My capital has severely decreased.”
Philip frowned. Charles had neglected to mention that before.
“But, money will be made in France. I hope to bring back much of what I owe.”
Philip clapped Charles on the back as he sat next to him. “Well, that is wonderful news! Then, it could be only a short while until all the debts are paid, and you are free to live again in safety.”
“I suppose.” Charles voice was still tense. “But these messages. I do hope the sender believes that I will get the money. I hope that nothing dangerous happens while I am away.”
Philip felt an icy dread stab through his heart. “What sort of things?”
Charles didn’t answer right away but stared off into the distance. Then, his expression cleared, and he chuckled. “Oh, Philip, I do not want to worry you. You can be so serious sometimes, with your pure heart.”
Philip’s dread was not assuaged by Charles’ sudden and odd change in mood, but he did not know what to say.
