Page 63 of A Courtesan Countess Worth the Scandal
“I was eight-and-ten, and still fairly naïve to the ways of the world. My Ma was struggling to take care of Lily, and there was a moment where she nearly took my little sister to an orphanage, just so she’d have a better chance of surviving,” she explained quietly. “I refused to let my Ma do that, but we were all starving, and my Ma wouldn’t let me work on the seam, so I had to make a few coins where I could by scavenging the streets.
“One day, while I was sitting under a tree in the park, resting my legs after hours on my feet, picking up bits of ribbon and cigar ends, and anything else that might make me a penny or two, a shadow passed across me. I opened my eyes to find a gentleman standing in front of me, watching me curiously.” She smiled bitterly. “He was older, but he was still handsome, and there was a warmth in his eyes that made me feel at ease.”
“I should’ve realized then that the worst villains know how to put on a winning smile.” Her eyes stung as she tried to blink away imminent tears. “He offered me a parcel of lemon cakes that he’d been meaning to take to his niece. Starving as I was, I accepted, and he sat with me while I ate.”
Liam nodded slowly. “That is why you despise gifts so much.” It was not a question so much as a dawning realization.
“That is one of the reasons, yes,” she confirmed. “From that day on, he would meet me under that tree, and we would talk of everything and anything. He would even read poetry to me, and flatter me until my cheeks were pink with glee. It wasn’t long before I was utterly besotted by him, for I’d believed his charms were real, and so were his intentions.”
Liam rested his chin on top of her head. “What do you mean?”
“Every time he met with me, he’d tell me how he longed for me to be his wife. Being too young and too desperate to see through his lies, I gobbled up every word, especially when he began to give me money so I could buy food for my Ma and Sister.” Her voice hitched. “They lived because of him, so my hatred for him always has this current of gratitude beneath it.”
“After a month of our meetings, he invited me and my family to stay at his townhouse—the one where I now live,” she went on. “On the second night of our being there, while my Ma and Sister slept, he crept into my bedchamber and forced himself upon me. I tried to scream for help, but he clamped his hand over my mouth so hard that I almost suffocated. All the while, he pounded into me like an animal, robbing me of my virginity.”
Liam wrapped his arms tighter about her, his lips pressing against her hair. “I am so very sorry, Nora.” He sounded tearful as he held her. “I am so sorry that happened to you.”
“That was only the first time. From that moment on, he would come to my chambers every night and do the same, until I learned that there was no use in screaming or fighting. The more willing I appeared, the less he hurt me.” Tears coursed down her cheeks in hot, salty rivulets that trickled into her mouth. “And soon, he began to make those old promises again—that he would marry me. In return, I pretended to enjoy his nightly visits, though I would always be sick afterward.”
“I thought, if I could just endure the indignity a while longer, until we were man and wife, then all would be well. I thought, this is what I have to do to save my family from destitution, and though I hated every moment, I knew there were worse situations I could be in.” She paused, swallowing a sob. “Besides, he was teaching me to read and write, and he’d promised to make sure Lily had a good education.
“It was ironic, really. I discovered that he was already married to someone else—had been for many, many years, in fact.” Her mouth twisted into a grimace. “I realized I’d been tricked, and that made me angry in a way I’d never experienced before. I wanted revenge, for the first time in my life.
“And I got it.” Her body shuddered violently, though not from the cold. “I threatened to expose him, not only to his wife, but to theton.I think he had hopes of gaining an inheritance at the time, which would’ve been ruined if I’d spoken out. Naturally, he threatened to kill me, but I was cleverer than he realized. I told him I had a friend waiting with a letter, and if anything happened to me, that letter would go straight to Bow Street.
“He called me every slur imaginable, but it was enough to force him into doing my bidding, the way he’d forced me to give up the very essence of myself.” She looped her arms around Liam’s neck, clinging to him for dear life. “In return for my silence, he gave me the deed to that townhouse and a modest sum of money. And with my honor already in tatters, I realized the only work I was worthy of was that of a courtesan.”
She nuzzled into his neck, wanting to feel his closeness. “It’s why I used to call myself the ‘London Butterfly’. Because of him, I had to change who I was. I could never be that innocent, foolish girl again—she died the moment he brutalized her. So, I had to transform into something else. I wrapped myself up in a chrysalis of self-preservation and, when I emerged, I spread my wings and became famous throughout London as a rare jewel that could make men empty their coin purses for just the promise of an evening in my company.”
At least, that was how it was supposed to work, in theory. They had other ideas.
“Forgive me, Nora,” Liam breathed, pulling away slightly so he could gaze into her eyes.
She blinked in confusion. “For what?”
“For my sex. For what they have done to you. For all the stories you have not yet told, and those you will never be able to tell. I am eternally sorry.” A tear rolled down his cheek and though she did not know why, she raised her head and kissed it from his skin. It tasted of salt and sadness, but the fact that she could be so near to him and kiss him so intimately changed that salty tang to one of sweet hope.
“You’ve got nothing to apologize for,” she told him. “Until I met you, I didn’t think it possible for me to lie in a man’s arms voluntarily. I didn’t think I’d ever be kissed and not feel that familiar churning in my stomach. But when you’ve held me, like this, and when you’ve kissed me, there has been no revulsion. Instead, I’ve felt anxiety, and wonder, and a desire to be held and kissed again by you. Only you.”
Somehow, like a knight on a white horse, he chased away the black demons that haunted her soul. Perhaps it was because he understood hurt, though she did not know his story. Or perhaps it was because he had never treated her as a lesser individual. Or perhaps it was because he had defended her when no other man would have dared. Whatever the reason, she was glad to have him at her side… even if it did not last.
He tucked a curly strand of hair behind her ear and gazed deep into her eyes, their mouths so close it would have taken less than a second to feel the graze of his lips again. After what she had just told him, she wondered if he thought her to be tainted goods, but she felt lighter for having toldsomeoneof her past.
“I am the same as you,” he confessed, bringing his thumb down and tracing it across her bottom lip. “My heart has been broken, and I have felt betrayal of the second-worst kind—that of infidelity. It pales in comparison to your suffering, but… it makes me feel as though we are kindred spirits. We are both in need of someone to heal us, and when I am near you, I know you are the only one who can do such a thing.”
A moment later, his mouth caught hers, his hands moving down to hold her waist in a passionate clinch. She did not hesitate to respond, her lips pressing hard against his as her fingertips ran through his soft, wavy hair. Kissing one another as though they only had this fleeting window of time, their breaths grew heavy in the silent night air, with puffs of hot condensation mingling in the cold.
Never before had Nora actually wanted a man. Even with her first client, there had been pecks upon the cheek and lips, but she had never had the chance to kiss him with the full fervor of her desire. He had ruined that, and extinguished any passion she might have had, when he had snuck into her bedchamber and ravished her without her consent.
This is what they write poetry about. This is why those writers are always so fixated upon love, when I’ve always thought them to be idiots who are living in fantasies.
As their kiss deepened, the weight of his athletic body pushed her backward, until she lay flat upon the stone platform. His arms bent to either side of her head, one of his hands cradling the back of her neck, as his lips sought hers again and again, his tongue growing bolder as they sank into one another’s embrace.
Ordinarily, she would have felt terror surging through her at the sensation of being pinned down, but his weight and his presence were nothing but comforting. As though his body could protect her from anything, and anyone, that lurked beyond.
“I… am falling in love with you, Nora,” he whispered, before kissing his way along the line of her throat and along the contours of her collarbone.
Her hands pressed to his palms, pushing him away slightly. “You are?”
