Page 33 of The Baroness of Sin
It was during one of these bouts, his head heavy with dark flourishing storm clouds, that he found himself in front of Martha’s manse once again. He had gone for a walk to clear his mind and must have walked here on reflex. He found himself climbing the steps and knocking on the door, despite knowing that Martha wouldn’t be there to comfort him.
The staff wasn’t as surprised to see James again. They had gotten used to seeing him around, and now they were even beginning to expect him to share Benjamin’s company.
Benjamin, on the other hand, was a bit surprised to see him unannounced. “Lord Barristen? Were we planning on meeting today? I am afraid that it may have escaped my mind.”
“To my discredit, good sir, I have arrived unannounced. I apologize,” James sighed and looked around the sitting room helplessly. “I don’t know what I am doing here. Truthfully, I am at my wit’s end.” He paced as he spoke, unable to stand or sit still.
“I can only assume this has to do with my sister?” Benjamin asked and crossed the room to fiddle with a pair of drinking glasses and a bottle. When he returned, he gestured for James to sit across from him and handed him a glass.
“Is it that obvious?” the Earl asked and took a healthy sip.
“What else could we be discussing, My Lord?” Benjamin asked with an arched eyebrow. “What is it that troubles you? As far as I can tell my sister is quite smitten with you and you with her. Can’t say what will come of it, it is true. But that's a better start than some I’ve seen in my life.” He took a sip himself. “What could a gentleman of your esteem have to be concerned with?”
James turned away and looked out the window, a light drizzle settling in around the homes and gardens. “I lost my first wife; I mentioned that to you. Both of us being widowed is what drew your sister and me together; this too you know. What I still struggle with is that fear. What if I choose to love your sister, embrace her, and accept her into my life? What if I do all of those things, and something horrible happens? How could I survive something like that again?” He took another long pull from the glass, and Benjamin couldn’t tell if the glaze on the Earl’s eyes was from the strong alcohol or from sadness.
The moment sat between them. James was surprised that it didn’t feel awkward. Benjamin didn’t feel it or exude it though. The man had been training his whole life to be a balm for suffering souls.
“My Lord, do you know what my family is known for? Has Martha discussed our lineage with you?” Benjamin asked gently.
“I believe Martha mentioned that your father was a minister,” James speculated, not necessarily sure of where the young man was going with this.
He nodded, “That’s right, currently on a mission of faith in the colonies. The whole of our family was raised on a principle of faith. We believe that we are guided in both reason and purpose towards divine goals. Do you understand this?”
James swallowed a bit more, “I do, and no disrespect intended, but I have already had too many people try and convince me my sweet wife burned to death for a greater purpose.”
Benjamin shook his head and gestured dismissively. “No, I have something else I want to talk about. What I mean to say is we do have divine destinies; we are drawn to the people who need us.”
James thought about how his thoughtless wanderings had brought him to this conversation and nodded.
Benjamin continued, “Presuming that you and my sister want to be together, then you should be together.”
James nodded again, a bit more heavily this time. “Yes, believe me, I have concluded this.”
It was Benjamin’s turn to nod, “Right, then consider this: If something horrible is going to happen, then it is absolutely going to happen no matter what.”
James started to get agitated. “This is far from alleviating my concerns.”
Benjamin held up a hand, signaling for the Earl to give him a moment. “So, heaven forbid, if something was going to happen to my sister no matter what, would you rather be there or not?”
James opened his mouth to retort sharply but then stopped short. He felt as if he had been struck. Mr. Bradford was right, and in a way, he had never considered it. What if a terrible or dreadful thing happened to Martha, and he wasn’t able to be there for her. Obviously, that was the worst imaginable version of that fate.
Imagining it was like imagining if he hadn't been there to take Amanda from his dear Lucienne. What a lonely existence that would have been.
“Sir, you are truly in possession of a wisdom beyond your years, and my soul feels lighter from just a few moments of your shared company,” James said before he took a deep relaxed breath.
Benjamin smiled. “You had the wisdom, My Lord; it is within our nature to keep secrets from ourselves. You would be surprised at the answers to the questions you know. The true task of a shepherd of humanity is helping them see what is in front of them, to put it poetically.
“Poet as well as a minister,” James felt elated by the simple relief of having an answer. He offered to toast his final sip of the liquor, and Benjamin joined him.
As their glasses were both emptied, James gestured to see if Benjamin would like more, and Benjamin took him up on it. Benjamin was cracking a joke about having drinks served to him by a Lord for the first time, when he was interrupted by a frantic knocking on the door. Benjamin arched an eyebrow at James, who looked equally confused.
“Who could that be?” James asked, and a moment later both of them could hear panicked crying when the footman answered the door.
* * *
Letty had been wrapped in several blankets while sipping from a steaming cup of tea and brandy, and she was still shivering. The poor woman was soaked and covered so thoroughly in mud that James barely recognized her.
She had insisted several times that time was of the essence, but she had been making so little sense that they had to insist she was calmed and cared for before they would hear her out, if for the sake of them understanding what was going on at all.
