Page 34 of Daring the Forbidden Earl
He took a pensive breath. “I would have told you that I had become fond of you, and that I wished to begin a courtship, if you would have me.” He paused, remembering the scene vividly. “When you said you had something to tell me, that day, I thought you were going to confess. And I realized thatIwanted to confess, because you had become so very dear to me.”
“Is that one of the reasons you hated me?” She blinked slowly. “Did you think I had rejected you?”
He gave a small nod. It had taken him a long time to figure out that it was not just her marriage to his uncle that had inspired bad feelings toward her, but the fact that she had not sought him out as a husband when he had been right there. He had assumed, for many years, that she had known of his affection and had not wanted it.
Her forehead furrowed in thought. “I did not know you wanted to confess to me, that day. Perhaps that sounds ludicrous, considering you and I were spending most of our days and evenings together, but it is the truth.” She sighed. “My heart had been broken not long before we met and, I suppose, that same, wounded heart was not open to the notion that I could be adored by someone.”
“How could anyonenotadore you?” He trailed his fingertips down to her cheek and brushed his thumb over the blushing skin.
Sadness shone in her eyes. “You would be surprised. I never thought myself loveable, and that has caused me untold trouble in my desperate pursuit of affection.”
“What do you mean?” He wanted to know everything there was to know about her, and in this quiet, peaceful room, it felt rather like a confessional.
She turned her head to kiss his chest. “My mother and father were never kindly toward me. They were not cruel, either, but there was no… softness and affection. They viewed that as a sign of weakness. I think they thought it would strengthen me. It did, in many ways, but it also left an absence… an absence that wanted to be filled with love. The older I got, the more intensely I felt that absence.”
He paused in his tender caressing. “Is that where you learned to put on a cold façade? Does that come from your mother and father?”
If the mysterious letter had not come to him, and they had not shared that surprising meeting in his drawing room, he wondered if he would ever have seen the warmer, brighter, more vibrant side of her. He would still hate her, not knowing that he had no reason to.
“I think so.” She hesitated. “But then, I met an associate of my father’s.”
Mark nodded. “Go on…”
“First, I must ask you something,” she replied, looking uneasy.
“Anything.”
Her gaze turned away. “Promise you will not abhor me all over again, once I have told you my story. I realize that is a difficult thing to ask, as you do not yet know the story, but I cannot bear the thought of destroying this with my past.” Her voice hitched. “I have already lost enough.”
Gathering her up into his arms, Mark placed her sideways in his lap, so she could rest her head upon his shoulder. She curled up until she seemed to be half her true size, tucking her whole body into him.
“I promise,” he said without hesitation. “If you can accept me, knowing my… interesting history, then I can accept anything you have to say.”
There were many women in this city who sought him outbecauseof his carnal legacy, but he knew she was not one of them. She was not here because of his infamy, but because she felt something for him. She wrapped one arm around him, as though she needed to hold onto him for courage.
“I fell in love with this associate of my father’s. At least, I thought I loved him, at the time. In truth, he was just the first person who showed me a modicum of affection, and he used that to manipulate me.” Her brow furrowed. “We even had plans to elope, though I suspect they were a falsehood.”
“Bastard,” Mark hissed.
She chuckled faintly. “He was, in the end.” She nestled deeper into his shoulder. “You see… I discovered that I was with child. Young fool that I was, I told him prior to our supposed elopement. He disappeared the very next day, and I have not seen or heard from him since. Nor has my father, though he tried to flush the wretch out on many occasions.”
She has a child?
Mark could not hide his shock, as a muted gasp escaped his lips. No one in his family had ever mentioned an illegitimate child. Obviously, he had not spoken to his uncle about it, but he figured his mother or father would have saidsomething. Nor had Johanna given the impression that she was a mother, when they had spent those cheering days together at his manor.
“I made my second mistake of telling my mother about it,” Johanna continued. “Naturally, she told my father, and they were so furious I thought they would actually kill me. I had shamed and disappointed them in the worst possible way. I believe my father even said, “You will destroy everything I have built with this, you stupid fool.” But my father does not relent so easily. And so, he did everything in his power to find someone to marry me, to save me from that shame.”
The pieces came together in Mark’s mind. “My uncle.”
“Yes, your uncle.” She clung tighter to him, perhaps fearing he might leave. “He was the only one who agreed to marry me and recognize the child as his own. He was much older than me, as you know, and I think he was tired of searching for a wife.”
Mark rubbed her back, hoping it would reassure her. “But where is the child now? Were they sent away?”
“In a manner of speaking,” she replied quietly. And he could have sworn he felt a tear drip onto his skin. “I lost the child shortly after the wedding.”
Mark’s expression hardened. “I am surprised he did not turn you out of his house.”
She lost the child… She lost the only reason she married that cretin.
