Page 5 of Daring the Forbidden Earl
He did not wait for their reply, as he weaved his way through the throngs of merrymakers. To restore his confidence, he made sure to flash a few wolfish smiles at the prettiest of the young ladies in attendance. When they giggled and whispered, he felt his heart slowing to a more natural pace, for it had been beating wildly throughout his conversation with Johanna.
It is only the cheer of the ball, making my heart beat so… It has nothing to do with Johanna’s slender neck, or her ripe, red lips, or her shining eyes, or those exquisite breasts.
Now, if only he could convince himself that was true.
* * *
Out in the dark garden, having just brought her breaths to a calm rhythm, Johanna jumped in fright as she heard the back door of the townhouse creak open. Her eyes snapped up to find a figure in rich, rustling silk making their way across the lawn toward her. She exhaled a sigh of relief, for it was only Nora.
“Do you want some company, or do you want to be left alone?” Nora asked on her approach, as she hesitated to take the seat beside Johanna.
Johanna smiled thinly. “I do not mindyourcompany.”
“Mmm… I had half a mind to slap that silly fool across the cheek for much of what he said, though you seemed to give as good as you got.” Nora sank back into the chair and stretched out her arms. “Still, you shouldn’t pay him any heed. I’ve seen you at the orphanage—you couldn’t love those children more if they were your own flesh and blood, and Lily adored you when she came to visit a few weeks ago.”
Lily Black was Nora’s younger sister. Blind from birth, the young girl did not allow anyone to pity her or think she could not do something simply because she could not see. Johanna had immediately been inspired by the girl and would have liked to have spent more time with her, but Lily and her mother had returned to Liam’s estate in the north after a fortnight in London.
Johanna dipped her chin to her chest. “Do I truly seem cold?”
“Not at all!” Nora insisted. “The thing you’ve got to remember is that these people,” she waved a hand toward the townhouse, “haven’t lived lives like you and me. You came from some wealth, sure, but your family earned it, they weren’t given it. They’ll never understand that people without titles and station tend to put up a façade as a means of protection, because they’ve never had reason to protect themselves from outside judgment.”
Johanna sighed, hearing a great deal of truth and sense in her friend’s words. “Maybe I am cold, but like you say, I was made to be that way. I did not begin like that.” She glanced at Nora, feeling a tremor of anxiety bristle through her. “There have been many mistakes in my life, and I have no one to blame but myself.”
“Mistakes?” Nora leaned toward her friend.
“I know I do not express my emotions well, but I was never taught to,” Johanna went on, not yet sure if she was ready to divulge the buried parts of her past to Nora. “My mother and father never showed affection to one another, and nor did they show affection to me. I was expected to be seen and not heard, and to desire affection was seen as a form of weakness.”
Nora nodded thoughtfully. “Did they come from wealth?”
“Not in the slightest. Everything my father has, he built. I know they suffered hardships before my father’s success, so I suppose it is understandable that they put up façades of their own,” Johanna mused aloud. “But, no matter how I tried, I could not break through their walls.”
She looked out across the shadowed garden, wondering where her parents were at that very moment. They were still alive, but she had not seen them in years. Indeed, she had not seen them since her wedding day, when they had passed her over into her husband, Peter Carlton’s, care. They did not write, they did not ask to see her, and she had long ago ceased trying to get something out of them.
Nora took hold of Johanna’s hand. “It’s no wonder you put on such a strong front, but that’s all it is—a front. I know there’s a warm heart in that chest of yours. I’ve seen it with my own eyes. I’ve seen the way you hold my little girl. There’s nothing cold beneath the surface.”
I used to know how it felt to be soft and vulnerable. Despite my upbringing, I never truly hardened myself to the outside world until…
She thought of the man, before Peter, who she had fallen hopelessly in love with. A business acquaintance of her father, she had assumed he would be the man she would spend the rest of her life with, and she would have been content to do so. She had even given herself to him, believing in every romantic whisper and promise he adorned her with. Back then, she had been too young to know that those promises were nothing but lies, and those whispers were merely tricks to get her to come to his bed.
They had even planned to elope, or so she had thought, until she had told him that she was with child. The very next day, her lover disappeared without a trace, taking her hope of a happy ending with him.
“What does it feel like?” Johanna murmured, drawing a confused gaze from Nora.
“What do you mean?”
“What does true love feel like? Is there passion in your marriage? Do you… desire your husband?” Johanna felt somewhat embarrassed, asking such bold questions, but if anyone would answer them, it was Nora. She had no qualms when it came to such matters, not after the things she had endured when she was a courtesan.
Nora’s face immediately lit up. “There issuchlove andpassion. One feeds the other. Truly, I did not know that kind of intensity could exist until I met Liam. As for desiring him—I desire him every day. Sometimes, I desire him so much that he has to trap me in his arms, so I can’t coax him into another bout.” She chuckled. “And, sometimes, I have to do the same.”
“I would give anything to have that.” Johanna sighed wistfully.
She could not stop the twinge of envy from twisting in her chest. In her limited experience, she could not even imagine such a relationship. Of course, she had thought she felt passion for the man who had abandoned her, but even then, she knew she had convinced herself into believing it was more pleasurable than it actually was. It had been more uncomfortable than anything else.
I do not imagine it would be uncomfortable with Mark. He has had more than enough experience to know what he is doing in a bedchamber.
“Youcanhave it!” Nora cried. “Surely, you must have had some enjoyable encounters with your husband? I know he was old as dust, but they say that with age comes expertise. Didn’t he leave you quivering in pleasure now and again, when he could muster the energy? I’m surprised he could keep his hands off you—you divine creature.”
Johanna turned to Nora, feeling crestfallen. “My marriage had no passion whatsoever. There was no love, either. It was… terrible, in truth. We were like two strangers wandering around in the same house, doing our utmost to avoid one another.” She sighed. “Peter did not arouse any sort of fire within me. On the occasions where we would kiss, it felt rather like an unpleasant chore that had to be endured, rather than enjoyed.”
