Page 38 of Denying a Rakish Duke
He steeled himself against her justified irritation. “Simply put, you should not love me. You should not even try to.” Vanessa rolled her eyes.
“Oh, is that all? More self-pity?” She took a determined step forward. “Let me tell you right now that I will listen to no more of it! Were all of those things that you said earlier just flowery placations? Is that what this marriage will be?” She was so angry that she could feel tears coming once more.
“No, that is not at all what I meant to say— Vanessa, what I meant is that I cannot exist inside of a marriage based on love because love does not exist!”
Vanessa blinked incredulously. “That is the most insane thing to come from your lips yet, Your Grace.”
“Furthermore, marriages should never be based on love alone if such a thing actually exists. There has to be more to a marriage. Conversation, understanding— it should be handled like a business transaction. It is to further the bloodline, the natural continuation of responsibilities and titles. That is the only way for a marriage to be successful and to raise children that do not come to resent their families!” Joseph said and quickly resented himself for it. How easily the words of his father slipped past his lips. Vanessa should have no cause to know how much he injured himself by daring to consider the old bastard's words as truth.
“More nonsense!” Vanessa threw her hand into the air to further punctuate her point. “My parents loved one another very deeply. One only had to be in the same proximity as them to know that as a fact! They had many very happy children, and we are all fond of one another! I heard you speaking earlier to your friends about the love present in their marriage! Now that means nothing?”
“They do not have the specific obligations that come with having a title as heavy as the one that we now share!” Joseph shouted; he could not stop himself.
“And those are the words of a gentleman?!”
“I never proclaimed to be thateither.”
“So that I am certain I understand you properly, you view me as a business partner … and what transpired between us in my bed was nothing more to you thantransactional?” Vanessa shouted back. She would not allow him to bully his way out of this conversation. When he had said those words before, she had not thought that he had actually meant them.
“Are you really so cold? My family was full of compassion, and despite the coldness that you witnessed between my Mama and myself— we are very fond of one another, and I shall do anything and everything in my power to ensure their happiness!” Vanessa held her hands over her own heart as she stepped closer to her husband. “Are you really expecting me to believe that you are so unfeeling, so much of a miserable soul, that you are incapable of love? How do you describe your continued care for the Dowager then? Obligation? I am certain that she will be thrilled to know that.” Vanessa’s eyes narrowed, but she was not finished yet. “I think the truth of your rakish behavior is that you are a coward. To your very core you are nothing more than a coward who chases temporary affection any chance that you can get, but the moment that you are confronted with love, real love without motive, you are frightened and now you are running from me— again!” Vanessa stomped her foot. “I am so cross with you that I could throttle you!”
“You do not understand,” Joseph said— stepping toward her.
“Oh, I think I understand perfectly well,” Vanessa sneered. She would not back down. She would not flinch.
“Just because life has been simple for you does not mean that it is the same for all of us!”
“Certainly not! However, issues in your past should not dictate your future happiness!” Vanessa disagreed again. “On our wedding night, you said that you wished to have children with me! A family of our own! Tell me how do you suppose that will work? Do you honestly believe that I could ever raise children inside of a loveless home? Was it your intention to send the babe and myself away? Stick us in some corner where you would not have to look at us, hear us, until we become of use to you? I will not stand for it, Joseph!” She gestured dramatically to emphasize her point.
“Vanessa— I,” Joseph started.
“Besides, it does not matter your intentions. I find that despite your abhorrent behavior and your cruel treatments of my feelings that I am in love with you anyhow. I cannot seem to rid my thoughts of you! My skin still hums with every place that you have touched me!” Vanessa intoned. “I wear you inside my body, and yet you can say such things to me!” She shook her head. “It would be far simpler to hate you, Joseph, but I cannot.”
Joseph’s expression softened as he stared at her. He inhaled sharply and closed the distance between them in three long strides. His hands cupped her face on either side of her jaw and pulled her to him. His kiss was demanding and insistent. He wished to convey the multitudes of things that he could not explain. The methods of child raising that he mentioned were exactly how he had been raised. The pain that transpired between his brute of a father and his weak-willed mother had imparted nothing positive on him. He had no words of comfort or optimism, and for all of his lofty dreams of having a family of his own, he did not genuinely believe himself to be capable of such affection. He did not believe that he could cherish and nurture a child in the way that a father should.
He did not know how to form the words of assurance that she craved— but for her, he would try to learn them.
He might have been raised with strict behaviors, never allowed to set even a single toe out of line before he came of age and could no longer be stopped. He did not know how to make the version of himself that he knew to be into the version of himself that he dreamed about.
Joseph picked her up, the front of her robe parting as he backed her into the closest wall. She collided roughly but did not remove her lips from his. Her fingers tangled up in his hair as he positioned himself at her entrance and lowered her onto himself. Vanessa’s strangled cry was muffled by his tongue seeking out hers. She clung to him in a way that was so sweet, it was nearly painful to endure. This union was harder, faster, full of need and unspoken confession. Skin hit against skin as Joseph held her in his arms like she was the lifeline that he had never had. He was not prepared to confess his past to her, and for now this might be the only way that he could give himself to her— it was the only way that he had ever learned— and she greedily took it all. If she could, she would have expressed in some way that everything would be all right, but he would need to trust her; he would need to place himself in her care, and she would have to do the same. Their actions, both public and private, directly affected one another now. If he could not see that, she was not certain what she would do next.
She never would have imagined that his internal wounds would be so severe. Joseph’s head dipped lower as he thrust up into her. Her fingers clawed at the skin of his shoulders and neck. His teeth closed over the soft spot on her neck, and her head fell heavily into the wall behind her. Joseph covered her lips with his palm.
“Shh, lest you wake any more of the household,” he muttered teasingly between kisses. “I shall not share you with their eyes any more than you should wish to have me shared.” His piercing blue eyes uplifted to her. “Not when I am so certain now that you are mine and only mine.”
He sounded so vulnerable, his voice raw as his eyes asked the question that his words did not.
“You are … are you not?”
Vanessa kissed the inside of his palm and nodded against his hand. He returned her kind gesture with a powerful thrust, and her eyes closed as he proved to her that he was hers as well, in the only way that he knew how.
* * *
Joseph fell asleep in her bed. It was a strange thing to behold— such a very large man sprawled out on his stomach with his head turned away from her. One of his arms dangled off of the bed, and his legs were splayed awkwardly, the sheet covering his rump as his steady, even breathing marked him as existing inside of a heavy slumber.
Still, she did not feel crowded.
Growing up in a house full of girls who liked to sneak into one another's chambers at night in order to gossip, it was almost impossible to keep anything private. There was very little in the way of personal space, and so she was comforted by him sharing the space with her— however unfashionable it might be to some. It gave her peace of mind to see him here. She lay awake, listening to the sounds of the night bugs outside the window singing their songs to one another while the fireplace crackled merrily and cast flickers of shadows over Joseph’s exposed, bare back that she traced with her finger. He did not seem to mind much.
