Page 92 of Trapped with the Forbidden Duke
“Starting small and then building up,”the physician had recommended upon their arrival.
Isabel had already decided to keep Lucien busy—something Edwina was most looking forward to hearing about.
“He will not,” Lucien assured her.
“What if he blames me for taking away his addiction?”
“Then he can be corrected and blame me first.”
“Lucien.”
“I am serious, Edwina. I do not think he will, nor should you blame yourself. You were a concerned sister who agreed to have her brother rehabilitated. If he is angry, then it means that having you is less important than abusing opiates. In that case, I shall order the lead physician to tighten the protocol. It very well may be that case, and he is bound to crave the relief of addiction, but I believe he will also wish to have you back.”
Edwina could only nod as the doors to the sunroom opened. Lucien lingered in the hallway, allowing her to face her brother for the first time in a month, since their wedding.
There he was, perched on a chair, his face turned up to the early afternoon sun.
Edwina let her shoe scuff against the floor of the terrace, drawing her brother’s attention. “Hello, Nick.”
At that, his face turned to her, and she could have cried at the exhaustion beneath his eyes, the gauntness of his face. It was a mirror image of how he had looked at the lowest moments of his addiction—wasting away—except she had to remind herself that he was recovering.
“Winnie,” he breathed, pushing against the arms of his chair to rise to his feet. And Edwina, for all her nerves and worry, simply threw herself into his arms. “I… I am glad you came. When one of the physicians informed me I could have visitors, I was not sure you would come.”
“And why would I not?” She released him and sat in the chair opposite him.
Edwina had initially planned to walk with Nicholas, but he looked as though his legs would not support him for very long, and she did not have the strength to handle him alone.
“Because of what I have put you through.” There was a hitch in his voice, a tight admission as he looked away from her. “I do not recall a great deal of what we spoke about before you got married, but I know we spoke about forgiveness. But… this time, I wish to speak my mind and know where my thoughts are. Back then, I could feel what was happening, but it was hard to stop my thoughts from slipping away. It was like trying to catch a fish. Hard to keep hold of, hard to feel its true weight. But I am growing more and more lucid by the day.”
“That is excellent,” she whispered, her heart soaring with hope.
“Not quite,” he grumbled. “The lucidity comes with shame, guilt, regret. Every terrible feeling that the opiates had helped me escape. However, by escaping, those feelings would only grow bigger. A vicious cycle.”
“One that you are done with perpetuating?” She pulled back. “I am sorry. Your physician told me not to ask such questions, but?—”
“No, no. Please ask me anything you want. I owe you every answer. And yes, I am done with perpetuating that vicious cycle. One month has felt like an eternity, but at the same time, it is no time at all, really. I could still relapse, and I do not like how it looms over my head like a threat. But in that same thought, I could continue to get better, and I know which future I am consciously working towards.”
Edwina’s eyes welled with tears that she couldn’t hold back. “Nicholas, I am endlessly proud of you.”
“I owe you an apology,” Nicholas murmured. “I am sorry for not being a proper big brother to you as you deserved. You needed a leader, an earl to manage the estate and secure your future. You needed yourbrother. Instead, I kept you in a state of despair and worry. I almost ruined our family, Winnie. I cannot apologize enough for that, but if I have to do it every day for the rest of my life, then I will.” He swallowed, his mouth tightening. “And thank you. For ensuring that I made it here.”
Edwina nodded. “I am just happy to sit with you like this. It has been some time.”
“It has.”
His thoughts seemed heavy, and as much as Edwina wished to ask him to voice them, she held back. She could not push him. This was a visit, not an interrogation.
“I would like to do this often.”
“I will visit you when and if you are feeling well enough for it.”
She smiled brightly at him, really enjoying being in her brother’s company once again after so long of only worrying about him.
“Edwina,” Nicholas said seriously. “The physician who has been monitoring my mental health asked me what might trigger me to chase opiates. I told him you played a role. Not because ofyouspecifically, but because of the pressure to be a good brother, to be the responsible man you needed. I know they report to you about my recovery, so I didn’t want you to hear about it in the wrong context. Whenever I realized how my addiction made me lose my sense of responsibility and honor, see what I was putting you through, I chased another fix to forget it. Again, that vicious cycle. But I do not consider youas a trigger. Please believe me.”
Edwina blinked slowly, processing his words. She could have guessed as much, but to hear such honesty out in the open made her heart swell.
Reaching across the table, she took his hand and squeezed it. It trembled, but this time, it was not from a high dose of laudanum but from the fatigue of recovery.
