Page 111 of His Duchess of Scandal
“Oh, no, not at all, but you are still my friend, and you look terrible. Did you have breakfast today? Are you even aware that the sun has risen?”
“Of course I am,” Charles growled. But in truth, he was not, not really. “I-I slept recently.”
“When? The day before Hermia left?”
Charles flinched at the mention of her name. Instead of answering, he sighed and thought of his daughter.
“Phoebe asked me yesterday if she had done anything wrong. My daughter is ten years old, and she is blaming herself for thedecline of my marriage. Heavens, no, it is not even a decline. It is… it is—” He broke off, growling.
“Charles,” Levi said.
Charles ignored him. “All I could do was kneel before her and try to make her see that she has never done anything wrong. That, in truth, she has never done anything wrong. Save for some pranks, save for some mischievous deeds. If anything, her pranks brought me the happiest thing in my life.”
“Charles.”
“What?” he snapped. “What, Levi? What do you wish to hear? Because my wife has left me, my daughter despises me, and I do not blame her. I-I thought I had finally found peace after so long. I hadher, and I said the worst things ever to her. I let her down. I let Herm—I let my wife down when all she had ever done was be there for me.”
“Charles.”
Charles let his head tip back, glaring at Levi from beneath his lashes. “What?”
“When did you last paint?”
“I have not painted,” he snapped. “I have not slept. I have scarcely stomached a morsel of food. I cannot—I cannot focus with her gone.”
“If you can admit that to me, then you can admit it to Hermia’s face, surely?”
“No.”
“Whyever not?”
“Because I?—”
Because I am too prideful. Because she deserves better, and I want to be that better, no matter what it takes. And because I miss her so much that nothing seems to matter when she is not here.
“Because you are stubborn,” Levi scolded. He folded his arms, his hair impeccably styled, only making Charles realize just how disheveled he was. “And because you do not want her to be right. You want yourself to be right, but perhaps this time you are not.”
“Do not say?—”
“No, I will, because you have chased away the only other person whowouldsay that you are wrong. Lady Phoebe certainly cannot, so it comes down to me. To be frank, my friend, you are repeating your parents’ mistakes.”
“Levi,” Charles growled.
“No, I do not care if you do not want to hear it. Sometimes the hurtful things only hurt because they are the truth. But you are trying to shove down your emotions, ignore anything that feels good or new, and you are trying to hold onto control so badly that you are not able to see the connections you have fostered.
“That is what they did, no? They put you in a box, Charles. That is how you have always described it. A box of pressure and duty. But you are still putting yourself in there, day after day, whenyouare in charge. You are in charge of your life. Why are you still squandering it? Why are you letting your happiness walk right out the front door?”
“Because I was a fool to think the cost of that happiness would not be so high,” Charles muttered. “And I was a fool to think I could afford such luxuries.”
“Youcanafford happiness, for you had it,” Levi bit out. “But do you know what you cannot afford, Charles? You cannot afford to lose her. To lose H?—”
“Levi.”
“No, I will say her name,” his friend insisted. “And so should you.Hermia.For that is who you have told yourself you are content to lose. Except you are not content, are you? A contented man is not sleepless, nor lacking in productivity. So, no, you cannot afford to lose Hermia. Do you realize that yet, Charles?”
Charles only glared at him, hating that he was right.
Heavens, he hated it. Hehatedit. But most of all, he hated himself. He halted himself for letting Hermia walk out, for being content with Phoebe’s upset, for he convinced himself he had only been disciplining her.
