Page 34 of Degrees of Control
“I thought we could talk about a few things,” I start.
“What would you like to discuss, Katarina?” he asks.
“Our relationship, the issues we’re having. We’re together, but not really. Things aren’t quite the same,” I say, dismayed at the hoarseness in my voice.
“I can’t disagree with anything you’ve said,” he says.
“I don’t know how we move forward, Chase. We can’t just keep pretending that this invisible wall is not between us. It’s killing me,” I say.
“Katarina, what is it that you need?” he asks.
“I want things to be the way they use to be, but they’re not. Even the sex, which I never thought would be different, is,” I say.
“What do you think is different about the sex?” he asks, taking a sip of his wine.
“Well, you know. I feel like ever since we’ve been back, things have been different in that department. I know we’ve been together, but you know we haven’t done the things we normally do,” I say, trying to conceal the blush that is starting to warm my cheeks.
“I think the sex has been incredibly satisfying and I thought you were happy with the way things had progressed,” he says.
I feel the warmth rising to my cheeks. “Chase, I didn’t mean that. The umm… training, well that was way beyond astonishing,” I say, taking a sip of my own wine.
“This is the participative part, Katarina. I need you to tell me what exactly it is that you miss in the way of sex,” he says.
“The sex is always great, but you already know that, it’s the other stuff we do that transcends the ordinary, Chase. You know what I’m talking about.”
“I thought last night having you give up your ass was pretty extraordinary,” he says. I am embarrassed talking so explicitly about our lovemaking, but I swallow and try to continue.
“It was unbelievable, but that’s not what I’m talking about.”
“You don’t think what we did involves trust?”
“It’s definitely a different way of making love, but as good as it was, it’s not the same as when you punish me. There’s a difference that transcends what we normally do. I sent you the text about spanking me and you pretty much turned me down flat. No response.”
“Katarina, the things we experimented with were a result of the trust we shared with each other. People can’t possibly be in a sexual relationship like that without a great deal of trust in their partner. I can’t spank you, or punish you otherwise, when I know that the essential component is missing,” he says.
“It seems that it always comes back to this for us, and I really don’t know how to change it, given the facts,” I say.
“Yes, the facts. Would you like to talk about those, Katarina?” he asks.
“Chase, I don’t think I’m prepared for this depth of conversation, even though I thought I was. I don’t know what to say about everything that’s happened. Maybe this wasn’t such a good idea. I’m exhausted and you look as tired as I feel,” I say, stepping out of the water onto the bath mat, pulling my robe protectively around me as I leave the bathroom.
I dry off in the bedroom, putting on a nightgown before crawling into bed. I hear Chase opening and closing the dresser drawers, but keep my eyes closed waiting for him to join me, but instead, the bedroom door softly closes behind him.
I toss and turn trying to get to sleep, waiting for him, wishing that I could have shared my feelings, and at least gotten things out into the open. Instead I send a message to Jenny.
Message:You awake?
Reply:Of course, do I ever sleep?
Message:Not funny!
Reply:What are you doing?
Message:Chase and I aren’t in a good place.
Reply:The trust thing again? Miami?
Message:Among other things. There are a few things I haven’t mentioned.
