Page 116 of A Fate of Ice and Lies
Or did he believe he loved me because of the mate bond he hadn’t rejected? A part of me wanted him to reject it while I hoped beyond hope he never would.
There was so much wrong with that thought.So much wrong with me.But I couldn’t stop hearing Nalari’s words.
“I could never hate you when I feel the magnitude of his love for you.”
While Elias had acted in my best interest time and time again, I hadn’t done the same for him. I hadn’t fought for him.
The truth was, I wasn’t sure I could. Self-preservation and all that.
Where was his self-preservation, though?
While I hated the idea of him forcing me to reject and forget him, it was a sacrifice he’d made for me. Because he thought I’d be better off without him.
The memory of his face, his expression slashed with pain when I’d rejected him the first time, was etched in the back of my mind.
And despite my disdain toward him, he’d still taken care of me without asking for anything in return. Instead, he seemed to live for the small moments I’d given him. Relish in my smiles or laughter. Soak in any attention I offered him.
And then I’d rejected him a second time.
I sat on the porch swing next to Ryenne, not for the first time wishing Mom were with me. Maybe she’d know what to do, what to tell me. Perhaps she wouldn’t, but I wanted her here all the same.
I rested my head on Ryenne’s shoulder. “I don’t deserve him,” I told my best friend.
“For an intelligent, beautiful, strong woman who, by the way, has the bestest best friend anyone could ever ask for, you sure are stupid sometimes,” Ryenne said.
I snorted.
“You deserve the very best the world has to offer you,” she continued. “And Elias deserves to choose who he thinks hedeserves. And if he’s dumb enough to think he’s too good for you, I can teach Hee-haw to headbutt him in the nuts.”
I giggled the way I knew she wanted me to. “I do have the bestest best friend anyone could ever ask for.”
“When are you going to stop moping around and let Elias choose you?” she asked.
I wasn’t sure I was ready for the complications that would follow.
Besides, what if I went to him, and he turned me away?
Chapter
Twenty
ELIAS
My cottage was tooquiet since my friends were out hunting for more livestock. It was something I should have done but couldn't bring myself to do. At least I’d let them absorb some of my magic to help. And for once, Nalari hadn’t grumbled or complained.
Not that I was in any mood to listen to her or anyone.
Yet I wanted someone’s company.
Since seeing Teddy the previous day, it had become more difficult to slip back into the abyss. That was what I called the madness in my head when my primal instincts took over. The emptiness of not thinking or feeling was sublime, and although I wanted to stay there, I couldn’t. Not with Teddy in danger.
She needed me to be at my best, not wallowing over my many mistakes. She’d been right to reject me after she’d learned about my lies and coercion.
Guardians help me, seeing her had shattered whatever remained of my soul. Logically, I knew I shouldreject her so I could move beyond this. But I was hers, belonged solely to her, even if she didn’t want me.
I’d slay a thousand more lirio to keep her safe.
I pushed myself off my bed and headed outside after tucking away the journal I’d finished reading. I welcomed the snow that fell on my face and the cold that seeped deep into my bones. It was one of the few things I’d missed in the two weeks I allowed myself to feel nothing.
